It seems like every single time I write in this thing, it's all about my many problems, and the sick sad sorry excuse of a life that I'm living. Ah, what the hell, isn't that what a blog is for? *shrug* I'm pretty sure -that's- what it's for. Problems. Wastedness. Pathetic existence. Wrong decisions. Sorry regrettable consequences and bad choices.
After a long, agonizing seven months of studying and torturing myself with verbs, vocabulary, grammar and kanji (only for the past three weeks), last Sunday (December 7) my classmates and I finally, finally, FINALLY got to take the Japanese Language Proficiency Exam. The night before the exam, I managed to sleep earlier than I usually do--around 11 pm. Or at the very least, I TRIED my best to sleep...but all the vocabulary and grammar rules were jumping around inside my head, torturing me with their presence and making it very hard for me to get peace (anshin...see, up to now I'm still translating...dammit). All throughout the night, and till the wee hours of the morning, I tossed and turned and tossed and turned. I really COULD NOT sleep for some reason. And I envy my classmates for having been able to get their fair share of sleep that night. Why couldn't I do the same? I honestly don't know.
Anyway, exam went on sometime around...past nine or so Sunday. It ended sometime around 12:30. All I can say about it is that...I messed up, big time. I'm not getting my hopes up on passing that exam. It *might* have been a fluke that I passed the Level 4 exam last year (and people would say, "78 percent? A FLUKE? You're nuts.")...or maybe not. I don't know. But this exam is...different, somehow. I just know that I really, REALLY messed up. I studied so much but I messed up. That sucks, but...I know I tried my best. I REALLY did. But I know I'm still not going to pass.
So, that was why I made up my mind to finally get my life back on track. It's not going anywhere with me being just a bum. I needed to do something productive. Just earlier today (or should I say, earlier yesterday), my friends and I decided to inquire about the Asian Studies masteral program at the University I graduated in. Anyway, they said the requirements could be passed around January next year, so I'm going to do that. I've already got some of the stuff needed prepared. Stupid diploma's not yet available, dammit, but it's a good thing it's not a part of the requirements for the masteral. I sure hope I'll be able to get in. GWA's supposed to be 2.0 or better, and dammit, little miss me is half a decimal away from being cum laude. I think I should have kissed up to my other professors more...then perhaps I would have gotten higher grades. But well, I'm still glad I didn't, because that would have made a complete hypocrite out of me, and I -never- want to be like that. I like myself the way I am, thank you very much. The only thing I can say so much for myself that I'm proud of is that I'm a real person. Although I keep some things from other people, I'm always sincere. Sometimes, to the point of annoyance...but hey, I'm REAL. That's something about me that makes me feel good that I'm me. Doesn't make much of sense, I know, but...that's me. No sense. Weird all throughout.*shrug* People will just have to deal.
Anyway, my friends know how I am, WHO I am. And they love me like this.
At least, I think they do...
Oops. Paranoia check. I need to do something about that. Anyway, speaking of paranoia, upon re-reading the last entry, yes, I do believe I'm just being too depressed and paranoid. I'm just obsessing about it too much. My two friends weren't ignoring me, I know that now. We were just all busy, couldn't catch each other online. I finally -did- get to talk with one of them sometime the week before last, and I'll have to say that I really -missed- chatting with her. We're not of the same nationality, and we've never met each other, but it just feels so -nice- to talk with her. It's like having a younger sister. I can't say I've always wanted a younger sister, because I'm perfectly contented with being the youngest, but when I talk to her...it makes me feel like it would really be nice to have a younger sister. At least, if the younger sister is something like her. She's such a NICE person, I swear to God she is. I hope she's like that in real life as well. Maybe I'll get to meet her someday. Who knows? Either way, I want to continue being online friends with her. I like her. I honestly do.
As for my other friend...haven't had the chance to chat with her again yet, but I do hope to meet her soon. She's in the same country as I am (just a little bit far away), so that could be possible. I mean, I've already met one of my online friends (just earlier yesterday) and although I wasn't able to talk to her that much, I think she's just the same online as she is in person. I just really wish we were able to talk more. At the very least, though, I got to meet her, and that's something. Now I have a face to go with the name, and that's good. Anyhow, the other friend...she just teased me in one of her posts in the mailing list again, so I do believe she's not angry. As for the offended part...I'll have to ask. I wonder what time she usually goes online? I haven't chatted with her in a long time. The important thing is, she's not angry with me. It's just my paranoid little self getting worried over nothing.
I have another online friend, whom I think is such a nice person. She and her sister are such nice people. She doesn't review much for my fics, but I know she and her sister read them, and that's good enough for me. I'm not really asking for reviews from people. The most important thing for me is that people read and enjoy them, nevermind the reviews. And besides, some of them tell me personally how much they like my stories, and for me, that's better than any ff.net review in the world. Especially with this online friend of mine. She knows she doesn't need to review (I know how busy she is) but still, once in a while she emails me and lets me know how much she and her sister like the latest chapters. She adds lots of comments (even for the unposted side-fics) and I totally enjoy her comments. Her emailing me personally makes me happy. And I'll have to say, I like her too. I want to meet her, as well. I'm sure she's a very nice person.
Among all of them, though, I honestly like my Chinese friend best. She's such a sweet person. Sometime ago, she even sent me an e-card to cheer me up (during one of my blue funks), and I appreciate that very much. I also feel that...there's so much about her to like. I really hope I can meet her someday. I consider her now as one of my friends. We've known each other for six months, but we've officially been friends for three months. I hope we'll stay friends. I'd like to have her as an online friend--and hopefully a real-life friend. That would make me very happy.
But I do like them all, I honestly do. At least, what I know of them. With these fanfic-writer people, though, I think who they are online is pretty much who they are in person. I mean, I *know* online me is pretty much just like real-life me--even the hentaishness. Everything, actually. So maybe my online friends are like me, as well. What you...uhm, -write- is what you get. Heh.
There's another nice person who's been emailing me for the past two days. She's another ff.net person, and she sent me a grownup fanart of Iron Maiden Jeanne, which is extremely nice of her. It's a sweet thing when people give you something to show that they appreciate a certain thing you've done for them...and in this case, I've written fics. She hasn't reviewed for any of my singular works, though. I'm not sure if she reads my fics--maybe she does. I think she does. After all, that was how she got my email addresses. She wrote to me on the hotmail one, too. Actually, she wrote to me there first. She's the one who was asking for a beta-reader. Which reminds me--I have a little story to tell about that later. Anyway, I thanked her for the pictures, and just earlier tonight (December 9), I saw her reply, and she sent me TWO more pictures! She's SO nice. Her sending me pictures actually makes me feel even more guilty that I didn't beta her fic when she asked for it...but as I've said before, she didn't ask me specifically, so I shouldn't be feeling guilty.
Anyway, about that story. She sent me another email which explained about the beta-ing thing. I was honestly surprised to receive an email with that subject. I just added the sorry bit in the thank-you email I gave her because I wanted to pacify my own guilt about not being able to find her a beta reader and not volunteering to beta it, because I really *did* feel guilty. So anyhow, she did email me about the beta thing...and she even said that she read that entry in my blog (SO embarrassed...I was asking for SEX at the final lines.*wince*). She apologized for the whole thing, and...I don't know. I feel weird about it. She's SO darn NICE. I mean, she didn't need to apologize, -I- was the one who owed the apology, that was why I gave it. At least, I *think* I owed her at least a small sorry. I think I might have given myself some sort of a guilt trip. I do that a lot, I know that now. I just really felt so badly about the whole thing. I feel like I could have been at least a bit more...kind to her. I don't know. What does all of this say about me? I don't know.
So...I do believe she meant that email to apologize to me, but...I feel like...I'm inside that self-created web of guilt trip all over again. I just really feel like I *should* have done something, because I didn't. *sigh* I think I'm going to reply to her sometime after I post this, just to clear things up a bit.
Anyway, having received that from her, I've realized that people read my blog after all. *shrug* Well, they're my thoughts, so...at least I don't name names most of the time, but if people who know me read my blog, they'll know who I'm talking about. Ah, well...
Oh, wait a sec. I'm supposed to be posting up my problems here. I've already said my first problem of sorts earlier, so now I'm relaying my second dilemma. It's not really a dilemma, just a minor problem. It's this: it seems that when I took a 2-week break from writing Navy and Azure (to prepare for the freaking national Japanese exam that I probably [tabun] didn't pass), my brain and inspiration took a break right along with it and now it appears like they no longer want to come back. I was planning to finish Navy and Azure by January 1 (Ren's 18th birthday) but it doesn't look like (nai rashii) I'll be able to. I haven't even started on chapter 6 yet, and I *should* (hazu) be starting on it now. I should (hazu) have started on it last Monday...but I didn't. And I can't even write other things decently. Something has gone horribly wrong inside my brain. Something is malfunctioning. I don't know what it is. I do hope it's not permanent.
Either way, I'm hoping I'll be able to at least finish most of chapter 6 later in the morning till the night. I hope to get it up and posted by Friday evening at the latest. In the next couple of weeks, I want to go back to the twice-a-week thing again. I'm gonna have to, if I want to finish this by January. Which means I need to get my inspiration back...fast.
So, maybe for now, I can end with that. It's 1:40 am.
God, I am such a sicko...
Posted by apple-chan
at 1:42 AM WST