Depressed.

Here I go again with another one of my ultra-mega depressed entries. Like I've said before (probably at least a thousand times in my mind), it seems like each and every single time I write in this thing, all I can ever write about are sad, depressing things. But like I always tell myself, that's what a blog-journal thingy is for, right? A place (basho/tokoro) to say whatever you feel. A place to vent out all your emotions.

I think my only consolation here is that even though I am often plagued by negative emotions, at least they are feelings of sadness and not anger or hate. Anger and hate takes a lot more from people than sadness ever would...or at least, I think so. Hm, maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better. Maybe on some level, anger, hate and sadness are all pretty much the same, takes equal amounts of strength from people. I don't really know. But I feel that anger and hatred are the worst feelings in the world people could ever have. When you're angry or you hate, there is inevitably another person (or persons) or thing involved, and that's never good. Holding a grudge against someone else is never a good thing.

On the other hand, if you're sad, then...granted, there *might* be another person or persons involved, but most of the time...it's just you yourself. As it is with me. In sadness, you feel the things yourself because of yourself (if that makes any sense). In hatred and anger, you blame other people (or things) for feeling what you're feeling, and blaming other people is never a good thing. Blaming yourself is better...but not too much. Taking all the blame yourself proves that...you know you've done something wrong. However, blaming other people is some sort of...escape for a lot of people who have too much pride and ego and refuse to take the blame (and thus, the punishment) for things they've done. For mistakes they've committed. And refusing that you were wrong when you obviously are is never a good thing. Inevitably, you'll still end up being punished, but punishments are easy to accept if you know and you believe yourself that you are to blame. Defensiveness sometimes (or most of the times) means that you know you have done something wrong yet you refuse to admit it.

Why am I saying all this? I don't really know.

I don't have a point.

Well, at least I didn't start this entry with my usual hard notebook journal entries: "I know I should be doing this, but I just..." stuff. *shrug* My favorite things to do during highschool and college: procrastinate, and then feel guilty about it and write it all out on my big notebook (which contains lots of cut-up stories and poems and sex scenes and such). And then, after the writing, that's when I finally start whatever project I've just successfully managed to put aside in favor of the TV, the telephone, or a new book I happened to come across. Or a new plot whatever that refused to get out of my pretty little head about some new non-existent boy or man or kid in my life.

Will I ever get much out of my life if I keep on doing this? I mean, I'm doing it right now. I gave myself today as a deadline for writing Navy and Azure 7, but as of current I've only written about 9k of the whole thing. That means I still have around 21k to write, and considering how I have been for the past week, writing so little takes SO much effort and drains so much out of me. Imagine: I wrote that 9k for FOUR hours. And that's not even counting the half a day I spent yesterday staring at the computer screen blankly. I just *could not* start it for some reason. There is something really terrifyingly wrong with my brain. I don't know what it is.

I really need to go back to school and get this brain of mine back to work. Maybe then I can get it back to the way it was before...or maybe not. If (actually, more like WHEN) I go back to school (which I have every intention of doing), I will again be disappearing from the world of fanfiction writing entirely--something that has already happened to me back in junior and senior year of college. When I am in school, I am obsessed with school, and my tendency is to focus my entire body, heart, and soul on school work, spending what little I have of my free time hanging out with my friends, watching television, reading books and writing fictions (nota bene, por favor: FICTIONS, without the "FAN" prefix). Even though they have the disadvantage of lack of timeline, back-story and character existence, I still prefer writing fictions to fanfictions, because with fictions, I have free reign over everything. I don't have to worry about OOCs or even OCs or inconsistencies to the plot with the way the Anime/Manga was. I have freedom to do whatever I want. I can even make myself the main character, if I want. Me and my friends, just like I did with that short little fiction called "Love Fool" which I seriously planned to write more extensively. I wanted to make it a lot longer, with a lot more explanations, humor, men, and of course...sex. And in Love Fool, sex is so easy to write, because I can write them as dirty as I want them to be. I can be as carnal as I want (and among my friends, I am probably the second most carnal...Dawn is the first). And best of all, I can play around with all of my friends' characters all I want, and they won't kill me or flame me for it.

Anyway, that's what I love about fiction writing. Although it's harder, it allows me much more freedom.

Just to clear it out, I still have plans to write out Love Fool, when I get the inspiration again. I mean, I have the Christina-Jonathan story almost completely written out, so that's one less problem (that's my story, in case anyone was wondering). I only have to write out a couple more: the Dawn-Eddie-Joseph-Bryan-MJ-Ronan story, the Pat-Jon-uhm...Jerry (?) story, the Pam-TJD story (which is half-written already), the Jan-Brad story, the Jeanette-Christopher (or Mark...might have to change his name to Mark) story, and the Poca-Lawrence story (which is a very short piece). I'm still thinking of whether I should add a Tessa-Justin story, because I can't think of any plot for them. Either way, I want to get it written someday. I want to finish "Sixteen" too, come to think of it. And then there's its sequel, "Seventeen," and the third and fourth story, "Starting Anew" and "Three Proposals." And then there's "Witness." And then, there's "Stars and Fireworks on New Year's Eve."

And there's this one whose title I forgot...anyway, the story on this is about this little girl searching for her mother, and how she manages to get herself into a place where children are used by the antagonist to earn money. She meets a lot of kids--all of them orphans, and they all grow to love her--except for Matthew, that is. He hates her because he's the tough thug leader of the children, and she's taken their attention away from him. But well...eventually (yatto), he falls in love with her, gets to be her first in everything (yes, of *course* there's sex in it!), and well...yeah. It's a love story between a sweet, beautiful girl (her name is Callie) and a smart ass thug with no feelings (Matthew). I haven't got a title for this yet (I've seen my notes), but maybe I can call it...Faith. Yeah. And the title for its sequel is "Hope." The sequel will be about Callie's brother Arthur and one of the orphans, Anna. There's a sort of happy ending already for Callie and Matthew for this part. Arthur is a cripple, and Anna is a sad orphan. Anna wants to help Arthur walk again, but Arthur has no more hope...and he loses that even more when he is unable to help his sister when she was going into labor.

Anyway, if I can get to writing this, there might be a third part..."Love," I think, this time. The final part. This will be about the youngest of all the orphans, Elizabeth, or Liz. At the time of this story, Liz has been legally adopted by the Diana McMillian (Callie and Arthur's mom). Angel is 3 years old, Arthur is starting to walk (and starting to woo Anna) and Callie and Matthew (the Ryans) are living happily ever after. Anyway, Liz is torn between all of her "brothers," the orphaned boys: Richard, Andrew, Charlie (Anna's brother), Thomas, Dennis, Nat, and Parker. They all nurtured her and took care of her...and she has to choose one of them. Okay, I've only developed the plot of this now, so I don't know how this is going to end up, but...at least I have it here.

So anyway, there's one other work I wanted to write..."Clouds," but it looks like it will be kept in the cabinet, as I have no inspiration for it. And then, there's my online story, "Portraits of Memories," which a good friend of mine liked. I *might* continue that if I get the inspiration back...even though I have absolutely no knowledge and talent when it comes to art, and that's what that story is all about. The only art background I have was from fifth grade, and from Claudia Kishi of The Baby-Sitters Club, and that's not a lot. But I *do* love the best friend thing plot of that. Yes, I do.

So, how much fiction do I have pending for me?

1. Love Fool
2. Sixteen, Seventeen, Starting Anew, Three Proposals
3. Witness
4. Stars and Fireworks on New Years Eve
5. Faith, Hope, Love
6. Portraits of Memories

And yep, I forgot to mention some of the other stuff I've begun to write like way before sixth grade but suddenly lost interest in. The pseudo-V.C. Andrews types of work. I don't think I'll ever do them. I mean, all I ever get up to is the Prologue and Epilogue, and even then, there isn't a lot to the stories. Maybe someday I'll get the inspiration back, so I'll keep the notes just in case.

And oh yeah...I forgot about this half-fanfiction, half-original fiction I have in the works..."Again." This is about Hisashi and Ayumi...getting back together and stuff. There's a lot of basketball here. I want to continue this too, as well as its sequel..."Beautiful," which is about Ayumi's cousin Rumiko, and Nobunaga, another basketball player. There are also a passel of side stories for this (and lots of sex scenes for Ayumi and Hisashi...LOTS). Speaking of that, I remember one entry I have here...in it, Hisashi was stuck with the hard on.^^;;; I'm proud to say that Hisashi is no longer stuck on that hard-on, because they've managed to get it over and done with already.*grin* Yes, I've managed to finish the sex scene for that, and I honestly like it. One more successful sex scene for me--not too dirty, not too clean. Just the right amount of lust and love to keep me going.*grin* Hisashi has a lot of hormones he needs to extinguish...and Ayumi is a very beautiful and very willing uh...extinguisher. Honestly? I don't know how Ayumi manages not to get pregnant. I mean, they don't do withdrawal (I DON'T like withdrawal), Hisashi doesn't use condoms (he's a one-woman-man, anyways) and Ayumi doesn't use diaphragms or whatever. But...oh yeah. She uses lots and lots of birth control pills--same thing that K does in "Sixteen."

Have I ever explained the plot of "Sixteen?" It's just a simple story with lots of sex. A simple girl with lots of dreams, and a rich, rich boy...and they fall in love. In "Seventeen," Joey (the hero in Sixteen) starts taking advantage of K, and K hates it. A half-British, half-Arab friend of Joey's studies in their school for that year, and he...takes care of K everytime Joey makes her cry. In the end, he falls in love with her, and she, with him. She ends up leaving both of them, not wanting to choose between either one of them for fear of hurting them both. And she moves somewhere far away for College...and meets a half-Japanese, half-American genius of a boy. This is where "Starting Anew" starts...uhm, begins, rather. The two of them becomes best of friends, and she dates his three brothers, and he, her roommate, before the two of them realize that they were in love with each other all along. Lots of things happen before they finally get together. But they do...and right after graduation, K's two other old flings from high school visit...and here's where the three proposals part comes in. I kinda mapped out already who she'll end up with, but I *do* have alternative stories in case I suddenly decide that she should end up with one of the other two she rejected.*shrug*

Uhm...so where was I? Oh, yes. Fictions. I've just given the massive amount of fictions I've begun to work on ever since I was ten or eleven years old. Actually, I haven't even counted here the others which I have no intention of working on anymore. There are LOTS, I think...and my extensive notebook collection of brief conversations and monologue-ish discourse prove that. I've always wanted to be a writer. Isn't that obvious? Yet...I want to own a computer company like IBM someday too. And I also want to write my own lifestyle column. And be a translator of Japanese. And be a lifestyle magazine editor. I want to do a lot of things. Yeah, I do. Hm. At least I'm still in my early twenties, which means I still have almost two decades or so to accomplish everything I want to accomplish. And oh yeah...I want to travel around the world as well. Too many things, no?*shrug* And what am I currently doing to accomplish any of this? Nothing. I'm sitting out here and writing my blog on an offline notepad.

Well, my only consolation as of now is this: it's almost Christmas, I've just finished that hell of a Japanese Exam, and I deserve a little break. By January, I'll have to start moving my feet again. I need to get those recommendation letters for the masteral. And I need to submit my transcript. By God, they had better accept me. I mean, I know I don't have a cum laude attached to my graduated status, but hell, I *have* worked hard. I just don't kiss up to my teachers as much as my other batchmates do (not my classmates, though). In my course, sometimes it takes more than talent to go up...sometimes (or most of the times) it takes a lot of kissing up to professors. And a lot of professors are in love with students who kiss up to them.

My thesis adviser isn't one of them, I know. Nor are some of the other teachers I like. My thesis adviser just *can't* understand that I have *no talent* whatsoever when it comes to technical writing. I am hopeless at that kind of thing. Utterly hopeless. Utterly not (kesshite) talented. No skill in it whatsoever. I think his head hurt a lot from reading my thesis. I've read it once and I don't want to read it anymore, but I know...it sounds horribly like a novel waiting to happen, even my analysis. Truth and fact is that I just *can't* write technically. I am such a loser when it comes to those things, which probably explains my mediocre grade in all the papers I've ever submitted to him. Okay, okay, they're not exactly mediocre...but not a grade I'll be proud of, anyway. My work is somewhere along the middle. Not too high, not exactly average. Alright, so maybe I *can* write technically if I really want to try...but I am hopeless at trying something like that...just as I am hopeless in writing anything short. Like as in *short,* you know.

Well, at least I know the basics and I can work on them. There's this work around here that pays good bucks to technical writers...and I wondered before if I can maybe apply, but truth is...technical writing isn't something I want to do. I would never enjoy it, because although I love English grammar and such, I detest technical writing. It's so rigid. So unlike creative writing...well, once in my life, I found creative writing rigid, too--back in senior year at high school.

My stupid creative writing and journalism teacher hates me and my classmates so much, I think. She hardly ever approves of anything we write...my works, in particular. I think I have this...revolutionary way of writing in her class. I don't like her (and I used to see her in church every Sunday...*shudders* and she always looks at me like she wants me to greet her...*shudders even more* ew.), and I know she doesn't like me much. No, she's not an old maid--she's quite young, actually (I think she might be...26 or 27 now), but the way she is, you'd think she's in menopause or something. Anyway, why do I say that I sorta write revolutionary in her classes? Well...she asks us to write stories, poems, analysis of magazine ads, stuff. My magazine add was about nail polish...and I don't know how I managed to make my analysis sorta...sexual. Carnal, even. She gave me a 94 for that paper, but I think she had been forced to, just because she realized that I knew more about sex more than she ever would, even though she probably had more experience than me at that time (I was just sixteen then). And then, there's my poem about this ren...uhm, RED (my hands want me to write up the rest of Navy and Azure) sunset...I got a low grade for that because...I think my poem was kind of bloody and gory. I think she didn't like that.>_< I didn't like the picture she wanted us to write the poem about, so I was in a bad mood, I think. I *might* have wanted to kill her that time.

Our final final exam was something I remember a lot...a classmate of mine praised my story because it made her shiver all over.*grin* I am proud of myself for that one, but I only wish I had a copy of it. But no...it was an impromptu story that was submitted to our dear teacher and never returned. She should suffer the worst karma if she ever submits that anywhere and puts her name on it.*frowns darkly* If she ever does that, I hope she dies. Anyway, I know she gave me a high grade for that one (it showed on my report card), albeit grudgingly. At the time of the exam (when I wrote that story) I was feeling very pissed and depressed and down...and I hated her even more immensely then for putting me up to the torture of forced writing, of asking me to force myself to let the bloody creative juices flow. And the juices did flow, mind you...extensively. My story ended up in suicide. Yep, it was a short, short piece on suicide...of this girl whose parents were murdered, and of her sister who was raped and killed.*shrug* Her suicide was gory as well--bloody knife. That piece was goth-horror, and when I got out of class that day, I felt lighter. That story had been a wonderful emotional outlet for me.

I only wish I was able to keep a copy of it.

There are two other high school stories I wish I was able to keep a copy of. One of them was this fairy-tale sort of story called "The Queen, the Mirror, and the Princess." My teacher (my English teacher, whom I totally love this time), praised me so much for this. And there was NO correction AT ALL in the story. I think I got a 98 for this. Anyway, I really wish I could have kept a copy of it, because I really loved it. So beautiful. Not too short nor too long, too.

The other story was written in our language, and it was about a girl. Her father died, and her mother left her and her brother all alone. After a couple of years, the mother came back, and the daughter wouldn't accept her mother no matter how many times she said sorry. But time passed...the mother died of cancer, and this is the only time the daughter was able to accept her mother again. It's a sad story that (I think) made my (Filipino) teacher cry. I especially loved the ending of that: (in tagalog, of course) "It's never too late to forgive...it's never too late." I remember that, because I loved it so much.*sigh* I really wish I could have kept a copy of that.

Enough about that, and my writing. This has gotten too long already.

I just recently saw that Nezumi-chan has put up her own LJ. Hm. She said in her entries that...my blog inspired her.*winces* I am *SO* majorly embarrassed. There are a lot of things here about...a lot of stuff and it's kind of embarrassing if she has read any of my entries.*winces repeatedly* But then again, it is *my* fault for putting this up into public eye. Now I know three people who read my blog. SO embarrassing.

And plus, if she's read my recent entries, I think...well, um. There's something about it. I'm not going to say anymore. I've been incredibly honest in my blog lately. And it's so awfully embarrassing. The people don't comment on my blog, but darn, they read it...and I used to think nobody reads my blog. I only allowed Pam and Lai to read my blog before (when it was still in 22Blog, but now it's in Tripod) because...well, just wanted to test it out. I never intended to have people read my blog, but like I've said...it's my own fault for putting this up somewhere public. FF.net is *so* much more public than my website, especially now. I know a lot of people read my stories even if they don't review (now I realize why...I write way long chapters, and I don't ask for anything specific in a review...well, I'm not really looking for reviews much these days. It's enough that some people enjoy my stories, nevermind the reviews), and if I don't update, that would mean they either access my stories on the SK pages, or *wince* at my profile. And my blog is right up there on my profile, so it's so easy to click on.*shakes head* Me and my sick thoughts. Sick me. Ah, well.

Oh yeah...that nice person who sent me the cute LXJ pic sent me some pics of Ren (and Lyserg) I think sometime over the weekend. I asked her if she had any request from me, and she told me none. But now, I know she reads my stories, because on her email she gave me one comment (which I appreciate). It went something like why there was always a third party of sorts in my stories...there was Marco in Venice, and now, En in Navy and Azure. She says they are bad and all, but why do I do that? The novelty wears off after sometime...well, I wish to address that here. Maybe she's reading this, maybe not, but...anyway, I'll do this. Thing is, in relationships, third parties (in the relationship) are not the worst obstacles in the world. There are others. And in the case of Venice, it's Marco; in Navy, it's En. Other than that, I have this...phobia, for lack of a better term, regarding third parties. In love stories, sometimes it's the most obvious obstacle that could break up a relationship, aside from the really, really, *really* obvious obstacle that is...the lovers themselves. And since I've gotten over that girl-and-boy-need-to-work-this-out parts, I've decided: other than third parties, what other factor can break the couple up? I'm trying to be a little realistic here. I've grown up over the years, and if I were seventeen now instead of twenty-one, I'd probably go with the third party option, but now...I think about other things.

In a relationship, sometimes love just isn't enough to keep two people together. Even without third parties in the way, sometimes, things *happen.* And realistically, taking into account culture, people, and background, En going against Ren and Pilica's relationship to the point that he would want to separate them by getting rid of her is *entirely* possible. I've thought about this a lot before I wrote everything. In the case of Lyserg and Jeanne, though...with Jeanne, Marco is hardly a threat, but with Lyserg...with what I know of the Anime and Manga, it's entirely possible that he would be quite scared of Marco...not to the point that he would really cower, of course, but, well...um. If anyone gets interested, there's a back-back story way before Venice that I've begun to work on. I don't think I'll be posting it anywhere, but maybe I can get a little synopsis of sorts started. This includes Caesar, Luc and Sarah too. This new LXJ is a pre-prequel to Venice, and it would tell the story of how Jeanne and Lyserg's relationship actually developed, as well as what had caused Marco's animosity and uhm...*cough* hatred for Lyserg. And why it was Jeanne who visited Lyserg's detective agency and not Lyserg who visited the missionary house often before the confessions in Celebrations took place.

Well...alright. I don't know if I was able to explain it that clearly, but uh...*shrug*. Anyway, all the same, I appreciate her comments. The HoroXTamao side story will be a little different from Venice and Navy, because although there *would* be a great obstacle, it's something unexpected.

My biggest problem now: it seems that I can't get inspired to write a YohXAnna, which makes me feel so ashamed as I love them to pieces. I hope I'll get inspired soon. But I don't think I'll go through with the supposed lemon side story for them anymore. I've totally lost the inspiration.

After Navy and Azure, I'll work on the smut side stories. I need to get them all out of my head.

Ohh, what a long entry. I seriously need to write Navy and Azure 7. Like as in right now.

Darn it. I've got to go end this.

Nope, no longer depressed. Just weirded out. And feeling hopeless.

(Goddammit, I need to write Navy and Azure)