Prelude to Destiny: Accidental Lemon Scene

I was writing the sketch to "Prelude" some couple of days ago (actually copying off some stuff I wrote in paper before to the PC) when somehow or other, I ended up writing a little lemonish limeish scene for Jeanne and Lyserg again.*shrug* They seem to be the favorite subject of my muse's hentai side. Go figure.

Anyhow, the scene here starts with Lyserg entering the Missionary House with Luc. This is sometime after Chapter 10 of Celebrations. Jeanne and Lyserg are home fresh from Tokyo. Lyserg actually just came from the Missionary House a couple of hours ago (before this scene), but when he got to the detective agency, Luc dragged him to the Missionary house without his consent. He wanted to see Sarah, and he really had no excuse to go to the Missionary unless he was with Lyserg (because of Lyserg's "special" relationship with Jeanne). So yeah, the two men enter the missionary house, and they find Sarah there. Her face colors quite prettily when she sees Luc...and he gently takes her arm and walks her to one side so they could talk, leaving Lyserg on his own. This is where my little scenish scene starts:

A yawning Lyserg watched them(Sarah and Luc) absently as he walked around. He headed off subconsciously to the entrance of the living quarters...and found Jeanne heading down the stairs. She had changed her clothes (from the light pink closed-necked long dress to a fluttery white short-sleeved dress with a scooped neck) and she looked sleepy, but she smiled brightly upon seeing him.

"What are you doing here?" Her face flushed slightly.

He shrugged, then grinned. "Luc dragged me here. Not that I'm complaining..." he watched her closely. "Did you sleep well?"

She yawned. "A little bit," she answered. "But I just had to come down already. I still need to do some work. This jet lag can wait..." She walked slowly towards the archives room. She stood in front of a table, picked up a pen, and started flipping through some records, yawning ocassionally.

He observed her with amusement as he leaned by the door of the room, then he approached her, and wrapped his arms around her waist.

She chuckled softly and leaned against him, but she continued flipping through the papers and noting some information down.

He peered down curiously at what she was doing, and then he kissed her nape. "What's that for?" He breathed against her skin.

She sighed with pleasure as she unconsciously angled her neck to give him better access. "Just something for the latest activities of the...Church..." Her eyes fluttered close as his warm lips traveled from her neck to her ear, then to her cheek. She shifted her head slightly just as his mouth moved forward to touch hers.

A surge of pleasure spread from her head down to the tips of her toes as he leaned her against the table, with soft kisses coaxing her mouth open, and when it did, he slid his tongue inside to mate with hers. Moaning with complete surrender, she turned around completely and slid her arms around his neck, pulling his head down towards her, deepening their kiss, her tongue tangling with his, tasting him with as much hunger and urgency as he was doing to her. His hands traveled from the small of her back to her front, roving all over her body like he couldn't get enough of her, caressing each and every single inch of her worshipfully, making her burn with a fever even through the confines of her clothes. Every inch of her sprang to life at his touches.

Not to be undone, she slid one of her hands down the front of his shirt and hastily dispensed the top buttons. She slipped her hand inside his shirt, savoring the feel of his perfectly toned and well-muscled chest just as his hands slid underneath her dress, his palms swiftly covering her naked breasts. She cried out with ecstasy as his thumbs rubbed across her nipples, hardening them into little buds of desire ready for his mouth to devour, while his hands continuously caressed the soft, creamy swells, practically driving her to the brink of madness.

She whimpered with loss as he tore his mouth from hers, but that soon turned into sighs of pleasure as he began kissing his way down from her chin, to her neck, to her throat, and to her collarbone. And then, he tugged the front of her dress down, baring her breasts to his view, the white, alabaster skin just begging for more of his touch, and the tight, pink nipples extremely flushed with need. Unwilling to wait any longer, she pulled his head down to her breasts, and he obliged most willingly, covering her right nipple with his mouth while his hand stroked the other. He began to suckle, making her cry out his name over and over again. Then, he shifted his positions and ministered the same undivided attention to the other one.

All throughout this, she continued to moan and shift restlessly in his arms. Lyserg raised his head up, savoring her half-naked magnificence as he slid his hand down to her thigh. "Jeanne...open your eyes," he whispered.

Her eyes fluttered open, and she looked down at him. "Lyserg...what are you...ahhh...!" She threw her head back and uttered a soft cry of pleasure as his seeking hand pushed aside her undergarment, enough to reach the heated core of her desire...the haven that he desired most in the entire planet. His fingers thrust up deep inside her, then withdrew, only to enter again and again, until she was arching up against him and begging him to give it all to her. "Please...don't...stop...ahh..."

He watched the expression on her face as she shattered into a million pieces, her climax coming over her, washing over his fingers. He continued to caress her even as her tight walls surrounded him again and again. He would never get enough of her moans of pleasure, and he would never ever tire of seeing her face in such an ethereal, and pure, unadulterated expression of ecstasy.

And then, she opened her eyes again and gazed at him, her face extremely flushed, her lips swollen from his kisses, and her chest heaving up and down. "That was unbelievable," she whispered breathlessly.

He gave her a cocky grin. "I know."

"Still..." her lips curved into a seductive smile. "You know what I REALLY want?" She pulled him up, wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her naked breasts against his chest. She rubbed against him, moaning as her nipples hardened again.

He moaned low in his throat, pulling her body closer against him, savoring the feel of her soft body against his. "...What?"

A grin. "This." She kissed him, her tongue sliding inside his mouth just as one of her hands slid downwards...and delved inside his pants. She started caressing him, and then she unzipped and pulled his pants down low enough to free his struggling manhood before she hiked up the skirt of her dress , slid down her undergarments and pressed her aching core against him. "I want...YOU...inside me."

He gritted his teeth as he fought to keep his desire perfectly leashed, even as his hands subconsciously clasped the sides of her hips and held her up until the tip of his erection penetrated just way above her slick, warm opening. He briefly tried to recall where they were--at her missionary house, no less-- in a room no less-- and with the DOOR open, for crying out loud...

THAT particular detail brought him back to his senses. With the last remaining amount of control he possessed, he pulled his pants up, zipped it up and swiftly helped Jeanne dress up as well, amidst all her moans and cries of protest. "We can't do this here. You KNOW we can't."

"But I want it!" She pouted even as she pulled the top of her dress up. She still couldn't forget his touches and caresses...his erotic tugs at her nipples...and his fingers deep inside her...everything made her blood boil.

"Jeanne," he said firmly, "we're at your MISSIONARY HOUSE. And the door is OPEN," he emphasized with a meaningful incline of his head at the said door.

"Oh," was all she said as she continued to pout. Then, her face turned hopeful. "So...can we do it somewhere else?" She suggested eagerly. "Like your house, or...my room!" Her eyes lit up. "Upstairs!"

Lyserg rolled his eyes to the ceiling. It was like they hadn't talked about this at the Funbari Onsen Inn Bathroom, when they had, in fact. VERY explicitly. "When we're married, we can do it as much as we want, but...NOT before," he said in a voice which left no room for argument. "Alright?" He gave her a soft, sweet smile as he straightened out her dress, making sure that there wasn't any slight evidence of what they had...ALMOST done in the room.

She fiddled with the open buttons of his shirt as she gave him a look reminscent of a sad puppy. "...Alright," she whispered.

He took several deep breaths, visibly relieved that the heat in his body--and in his erection--had now begun to subside. He caressed her nape gently, raised her head up and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. "Good." He then let his lips travel to her eyes. "Now don't look so sad, please?" He murmured as he kissed her eyes, then, the tip of her nose, before he kissed her cheeks. "I don't like seeing you sad..."

Jeanne sighed with pleasure as she savored his soft, feathery kisses. "I know," she said quietly, smiling a little for his benefit.

He chuckled. "That's better." And then, he took her face in his palms and covered her mouth with his.

***

This is where the little scenish lemonish limeish scene ends. More kissing comes afterwards...before Luc and Sarah finally catches them in the act (with Lyserg's shirt half-buttoned, and both of them looking quite tousled and flushed). Luc finally realizes that they were *together* now, in the most ultimate sense of the word, judging from the way they were at it in the making out.^_^

Damn, it's hot (NOTHING to do with my perversity--just the weather. Summer's approaching here). One thing I hate about summers is the HEAT. The heat that makes you sweat...although this is good for Tae-Bo.^^ I'll be doing Tae-Bo tomorrow. Yeah, I need to go on a DIET. My face is bloating up. I wanna look good on my application picture.

So...what's Prelude to Destiny? It's basically part pre-Venice, part post-Venice 1-6, part pre-Celebrations, part post-Celebrations Prologue-10, and part post Venice 7 and Celebrations Epilogue. It's a tie-up of the events in Jeanne and Lyserg's life that didn't appear in any of the aforementioned stories. I'm wondering if I can write this down, though, or if I will even post it up anywhere. Maybe I can just put it up on a site or something. I think I'm too shy to put it up on ff.net.^^;;; Anyhow, if some strange twist of chance Elizabeth (Nagumo) is reading this, I quite apologize for not replying to her email about the story. I told her about this, see, and when she asked about it, I kinda didn't reply.-_- Meanie me. So yeah. So sorry, and when I get this story done, I'll be emailing her and anyone else interested about it (probably Kitsune--she likes LXJ as much as I do.^^). I hope this would suffice for the meantime.

To hell with the number of reviewers for Chapter 11 (of Navy). All I know is that I enjoyed writing it, and I love it to bits. I hope Miko-chan and her Imouto like it too. I wrote it with them in mind, after all.^^

After Navy, I'll be working on the HXT side story next. This time, it's going to take a LONG time for the chapters to come out, because I intend to take my time and make every chapter VERY special...not for any other person but for Yuri Maxwell. I love her to pieces, and I'll be writing the story with her in mind. And by GOD, I intend to make it perfect. PERFECT. Even if it ends up ending after a year or through eternity...just as long as yuri-chan likes it (and no one else), that's enough for me. That's how much I love her.

And then there's that Ken chapter for AFGM...it's for her, too.

Some people have asked me about the LXJ/LXS lemon and the RXP one...the links in my profile didn't work before, and now I made it disappear entirely. Just in case any of those people are reading this (doubtful, but nonetheless), I might take long in putting those up. Let me tell you, writing lemon is a lot HARDER than writing normal, non-lemon stories. A LOT HARDER. Especially since we're talking about extended poetic lemon scenes...because I cannot write anything else. I appreciate dirty lemon, but I don't have it in me to write that type of thing. You might say I'm a carnal poetess.*shrug* Go figure. I like poetic symbolic-ish sex scenes, as you could probably note from my lemons. Anyhow, the point here is, a LONG time. I might take a LONG time to get all those lemons out. But I WILL get them out, and that's a promise. Yakusoku suru, kanarazu da.^^

P.S. If ANYONE copies off the lemon scenes here, I will personally hunt you down and murder you. And trust me, I WILL KNOW. And I will KILL you. Got it?

Current Mood: Woozy, light-headed (slept four hours yesterday)
Current Music: A Promise I Make (forgot the band name)

Age.
Current Music: Mr. Deja' Vu (Getbackers)
Current Mood: Bored

Here's something I do everytime I bored: I go online and check out other people's profiles on ff.net and see who's under 17 and who's not. I consider those 17 and above to be...within my age league, mainly because most of them (or most of the ones I know) think along the same lines as I do, in most of the ways that matter. In the other ways, I think there's something different, and it's only minor, and something that normally comes with age. I know for a fact that people's way of thinking changes as time passes, and experiences grow. For example, in my less than 20 friends, I see myself in them the way I was when I was their age. Like when I see this person, and hear this certain person (who's less than 20), I think, "hey, that was the way I am back when I was 17." It somehow makes me feel nostalgic.

And there's the writing.

Fact is, people of different ages write differently. Although I feel this is still a case-to-case and experiential basis, it's mostly true. You're not going to have the same idealisms from when you were 17 by the time you're 21, so naturally, when you're 17, most of your writing reflects those idealisms (and fantasies). And then when you turn 21, you're gonna start writing about different things.

How do I know this? Well, proof of it all is my writing. When I read and look back at all my works from when I was...13 to 17, I cringe a lot and think about how incredibly...eh (sappy and ew is more like it) they are. Most are unrealistic in the sense that, well, when you rationally think about it, even though they're fiction (and fiction is quite liberal), they SIMPLY cannot happen. Like, it's so way too far out that it can't even happen in the fiction world. As in really not possible. Does that make any sense?

I doubt, but somehow, it makes sense to me.

Not that I'm saying I write better now than I did at 13 to 17 (perhaps I do...my grammar is a bit more solid nowadays than they used to...but that's not to say I didn't have impeccable grammar and spelling back then. I did. My senior year literature professor would spank me and confiscate my English medal if she finds out I've been neglecting my values of good grammar, diction, vocabulary and spelling). But I know my thesis adviser would spank me to death if he finds out...how excessively I use ellipses, double dashes, colons, semi-colons, and paragraph breaks. I mean, those were MAJOR editing issues in my thesis, for crying out loud. He tried to correct them, but he canNOT do anything about them because little sweet dear me refused to back down. I wanted my format the way it is, and so he just yielded (quite grudgingly...which probably explains the 1.5).

Anyhow, where was I? Um...yeah. Comparing my 13-17 writings with my 18 and above writings, I could say that...I've really matured. For one, there's a lot more sex in my latest works, compared to before (I wrote minimal sex then; no graphic descriptions, but I realized things were much more interesting when they're described in way too graphic detail). There's also a lot more details and descriptions in my works of late. Before, I only used simple "said" and simple descriptions; now, there's a lot more "said cheerfully, said brightly, etc, etc." which, I think, is a good thing. I personally love descriptions (which explains my love for J.R.R. Tolkien and V.C. Andrews, who both describe everything SO explicitly), and more so if they're in-depthly detailed. I guess that sort of comes with age, too.

So...well...that rounds up the road of explanations for writings and age and how it differs and such.

Now comes the whole point of the thing. Age.

Immunity for the whole "I'm getting old and I don't like it" thing probably also comes with age. Right now, I'm still dealing and agonizing over the fact that I'm in my early twenties (by heck, twenty itself sounds so...old), and I'll probably continue doing this until, say...when I'm forty or so. Or if I get married after 30 ("if" being an operative word; right now, I'm at that point where I'm close to believing that I might possibly end up just like one of those Sex and the City ladies), maybe I'll be too busy worrying about my kids and taking care of them (and having sex with my husband...hehe) that I won't even have time to think about age and getting old.

Anyway, 21. Age. How does this couple up with my being bored and checking out other people's ff.net profile?

Thing is, I see these ages (and sometimes, even birthdates) lined up in the bio of a lot of people, and most of those I've checked out (most of those who read my fics) were actually born right after 1982. Meaning, most of them are YOUNGER than 21. I can only count a handful of those who are my age or older. I think I might be writing in the wrong anime category, because like duh, Apple, the fans of Shaman King -are- mostly below 21. Most of them are even wayy below 17. I even know a couple who are 11 or so, and I think...man, these kids. Kids who are TEN years younger than me. A whole DECADE. Born in 1992. Born during the NINETIES. I mean, I was already alive, conscious of social issues, and watching Japanese tv programs during the nineties, for god's sake. I was already thinking of sex during the nineties. I was already thinking of lots of things. Of futures and presents. Careers and such. Where I should go for high school, and even college. What should I do for a living. Who should I marry. Where should I live. Why do I worship America (I don't anymore; I worship Japan, UK, and Italy these days). So what point do I want to make here?

If I had my period at nine, these girls (and boys) could already be MY kids.

Thankfully, I didn't get my period at nine (I had it at twelve...and I hated it), but a close friend of mine did. Which means, -she- could have had these people as -her- children.

And that thought makes me feel how old I am.

A lot of times I still wish I was eight or seven again. Back then, I looked forward to Christmas and New Year and Birthdays and getting older. Now, everytime those celebrations hit, I just cringe. Another Christmas, another New Year, add plus one more to my age again. I'm in the second to the last week of the calendar, dammit...it won't be long until I reach the end. One more decade.

While these...kids, they have two more decades. Two more decades to enjoy until the time of judgment.

I'm bitter, I know.

I really need to get a life. All this boredom is making me think.

Thinking gets me depressed.

I want to go to school again.

Or work...part time. Like, in the afternoon. Around four hours.

Maybe I'll do that.

I'd better start working on that application essay. It's due on Friday.


Current Music: Mr. Deja' Vu (still)
Current Mood: *still* bored

Sigh.

Current Mood: Tired
Current Music: If Forever's Not Enough by Sarah Geronimo (saw her singing on tv last night)

Somewhat depressed and tired of the way my life is going. Tired of how I say that what other people say don't affect me, when in fact, they do...much to the point that I cease to do what I'm currently doing because of what was said. Much to the point that I cease to feel what I was so convinced I actually felt because of what was said.

And now...look what happened.

Maybe I should just give up on this entirely. I don't know.

Ironic and sad, though, is that it wouldn't make sense to give up entirely right now...not when I'm almost there. Not when I'm almost at the point of reaching what I intended to reach, and attaining my goal. Is this what I'm going to do every single time someone tells me something that serves to dishearten me?

I'm not going to give up.

I'm not going to give that person the satisfaction that whatever she said and did to me made me give up.

I will do this...and I'm going to try not to fail this time.

I've succeeded plenty of times, and I will do so again.

Of course, I've also failed a lot of times...but...not now.

Not this time.


Current Mood: Determined
Current Music: Guadosalam Theme (yeah, yeah, I'm obsessed with FFX-2. Only because I can't figure out the title to that Fatal Frame II theme song)

Prayers.
Current mood: Worried
Current music: Mt. Gagazet Theme (FFX-2)

I received a message today. Something about saying "Our Father" and three "Hail Mary's" and then sending out the message to nine people and something good will happen four days after. I think it's a chain, but anyway, it's a prayer chain, so I thought I might try it out.

Anyway, when I started to recite the prayer(s), for a brief moment, I forgot what they are, and I was a bit alarmed. Even though there was a lot of bullshit going on in my religion, even though I don't care much about devotions and mass eucharists and things like that, and even though my mind is always flying every time I go to mass, I still keep my faith intact. I believe in God and I believe in my religion--just not in the people and the organizations in my country who run it. I believe in the faith itself, not in the people who keep saying that they symbolize and spread the faith.

So yeah...I was a bit alarmed. At some point, though, I started to remember the prayers, much to my relief. I want to prove to myself that, at the very least, I still keep that inside of me, that I haven't quite lost it yet. I never believed everything my elementary school teachers taught me back in those days, but one thing I do believe is that you lose a part of yourself if you've lost your faith in something you've had faith in for a very long time--especially something that was ever-constant and unchangeable--like God (other things don't count).

Just to prove to myself that I haven't forgotten those prayers, here they are:

Our Father who art in Heaven,
Hallowed be thy name,
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on Earth
As it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
And forgive us our sins,
As we forgive those who have sinned against us.
And do not bring us to the test,
But deliver us from evil.
Amen.

Hail Mary, full of Grace,
The Lord is with you.
Blessed are you amongst women,
And blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, mother of God,
Pray for us sinners.
Now, and at the hour of our death.
Amen.

Yes, sometimes I do curse the heavens. I explore the concepts of religion and sex and all the seven deadly sins a lot. I explore the different forms of cultism to my heart's desire. I praise Dante Alighieri and his Inferno, Purgatorio, and Paradiso. I do a lot of things other people would no doubt raise their eyebrows upon (premarital sex counts), but I do have faith, and beliefs. Maybe I don't live by them, but I have them.

Well, either that, or I'm just trying to convince myself.

Am I...?

Whatever.

Current Mood: Relieved and Weirded out
Current Music: FFX-2 Boss Fight Theme (That STUPID Garik is a toughie)

Blank.

Current mood: Huh? What mood?
Current music: Anti-Nostalgic from Gravitation (it's playing inside my brain's jukebox)

Got that music-mood idea recently. I think I might have seen it somewhere, I don't know.

Anyway, like the title says: blank. I feel blank. My mind isn't blank, but I feel blank. Meaning, nothing. Nada, zip, zilch, zero. My heart doesn't feel anything. Not sadness, not anger, not hate, not happiness...no nothing. And the funny thing about that is, every single time I write in this thing, there's always a certain FEELING hovering deep inside of me, but now...there's nothing. And that's weird.

Maybe the passing of 2003 and the onset of 2004 is getting to me.

Maybe it's because...I just woke up about a couple of minutes ago and I don't feel like feeling anything (if that makes any sense).

Maybe it's because I slept too much yesterday morning, evening and afternoon (I did NOT sleep at all on the 30th...seriously. My eyes just refused to close, for some reason).

Or...

Maybe it's just me.

Hm.

I think it's just me.

There's something really seriously wrong with me. Not just with my brain, my body, or my heart--but me, as in the whole package. When the powers that be created me, they made a lot of mistakes thereby leading to certain horrifying malfunctions, and it's not good at all. It's not good because it's bad enough that I'm far from normal, now I realize that I'm SO far from normal-weird too. I mean, some people are normally weird, but me--I'm ABnormally weird, if you get what I mean. I'm weird and strange (redundant, but it gives off my meaning, so there) in a way that NORMALLY weird people aren't. And I don't exactly know if I should be happy about that...or sad...or alarmed. On the upside, I'm SO unique it's wonderful. On the downside, I'm SO unique it's positively scary, and incredibly alarming. Meaning, I'm practically on the brink (yes, redundant again) of being sent to the mother of all ward 7's, the epitome of mental institutions (I don't know where that is). It's terrifying, yet...strangely thrilling, somehow.

But then again...

I live by this philosophy that...you are only really truly insane if you cannot admit to yourself the fact that you ARE insane. But if you admit it, then you're not quite there yet. It means that there's still a chance that you can be cured...or a chance that you're NOT insane. Which means, that I'm NOT what I think I am, that I'm...NORMAL, despite what I feel I am.

I don't know if I should feel good about that. I like being weird.

On second thought, I SHOULD feel good about that. I mean, I like being weird, but not to the point that I can be classified as insanely insane. I like being weird NORMAL, because that's the best thing in the world to be. Being normal NORMAL is incredibly boring.

So yeah. I like being weird.

I still feel blank, though.

Anyway, I remember my last entry was...December 16 and I suddenly realized that I hadn't been able to relay the story of one of my closest friend (of 7 years)'s departure for Minnesota. She and her parents are living there for good...and she left last December 14. When we were saying goodbye to her, I frankly couldn't cry much, I'm not sure why. I think it's because of her. I love the fact that whenever she and I are together, even if what we're already talking about are seriously infuriating and tear-jerking things, we still always manage to laugh. I guess that's what I'll always remember about the times we had together...the laughter. It's a constant for the two of us. We CAN be serious too, but really...seriousness sometimes takes the fun out of life. As for laughter (I mean SINCERE laughter), it makes happy times even happier. I guess you can say that I'll always remember her happy. I'll feel sad everytime I remember our happy times together...because it can never be like that with anyone else. It just wouldn't be the same without her.

Ah. There we go. I'm not feeling so blank anymore.

At least I can still contact her through cell phone and email once in a while. That makes me happy too.

Anyway, it was right after that day when we said goodbye to her (once I got home) that I actually felt the sadness washing over me. I guess that must have been the time when it really hit me that she was leaving us for good. And then, sometime around 8am of the 14th, she texted me this message:

"I want to protect someone sweet, I want to stop my weak self from saying 'farewell'...something I've never done before...a song falls from my lips--a rough stone that shines like a diamond from within me. I'll take you with me...hope you'll take me with you..."

I'm not sure if this came from a certain song or whatever, I just know that...even if I was still half-asleep at that time, I felt the tears well up my eyes. I cried, even though it was so early in the morning. I truly did.

I can never have another friend like her, I know that. There can never be anyone else.

I hope I can see her again someday...

I've never had a best friend (okay, so I DID once, but we never lasted that long...just around 4 years, then we drifted apart), and I can't really call her my best friend, but I DO have a handful of really really intimately close friends, and I can honestly say that she's one of them. I can tell them everything I want to tell them, and they'll never throw me away no matter how crazy I might get (they're as crazy as I am), and I do hope we'll be together for a long time...even until we're, say, 70 or so. I would like that a lot.

Just recently, last 30th of December, me and my crazy friends went on a late post-Christmas-pre-New-Year dinner at some fairly costly Italian place somewhere around QC. We had a real blast. We ALMOST ended up as the ones to close the restaurant ourselves, but we had fun. We laughed a lot (and went to the bathroom a lot...their iced tea takes up quite a toll on the bladder^^) and I treated them all to dessert. I got home around midnight, and I think too much fun (or maybe iced tea) might have been the reason why I couldn't sleep AT ALL that day. But I don't care. I got to see my friends, and I had fun with them, and that's what matters to me.

Now it's the 1st of January, 2004. I wince at that even-numbered year, because it reminds me that it's only about five months until I turn into an even-numbered age myself. I wish it could be fourteen, sixteen, eighteen, or I'll even take twenty, but unfortunately...it's twenty-two. I found something good in twenty-one before--in one of the Catholic groups here in my country, the cut-off age for the youth convention was 21, and because of that, I was still able to consider myself a YOUTH. But in a couple of months, I'll no longer belong to that youth category.*wince* I hate getting old.

At the very least, though, I can always console myself with the thought that even though I'll be turning twenty-two, my sister will be turning twenty-four, and my brother just turned twenty-six last November. There's always going to be someone older than me, and that makes me feel better. Sick reasoning, I know, but still, it makes me feel better.

Anyways...

It's been three months since I've written this HaoXAnnaXYoh of sorts one-shot fic, and I STILL haven't posted it up. Until now, I still feel that it sucks. It was a gift for one of my friends, and I do think she liked it (she might have been just trying to be nice, though), but I don't feel so good about it myself. I've had one of my other friends and her sister beta-read it for me, and they've showed me ALL the faults of the fic (and there was a lot) and I really thank them for that, because I think they've been able to point out all of the errors I've seen for myself but refused to correct. I've corrected it a bit myself, but frankly...I *still* feel that it's not very good. I think I'm really hopeless when it comes to HaoXAnnaXYoh.-_- Ah. Well, I can't write everything, can I?

Maybe I'll post it up one of these days. I think there're still two parts I have to rewrite for inconsistencies. I don't think I'll check in anymore with my beta-readers; they've done me enough favors already. I'll be focusing myself on finishing the fic I dedicated to the two of them (Navy and Azure). I do believe 10% or so of Chapter 9 is somewhere along the lines of done already. I'm planning to post it up this Saturday. It's coming to a close, only five more chapters to go. Originally, it was only supposed to be ten chapters. I don't know how it got so long. When I finish with it, it'd end up with 13 chapters...3 chapters excess of my original plan. I wanted to give Chii, Ken and Pan a little more air time, and Ran too. Ren's been a little on the stupid side so far in Navy and Azure, allowing his father to manipulate him...but I'm planning to raise up his status to kick-ass mode once again starting with Chapter 10 (in Chapter 9, he only appears briefly at the very end^~). Pilica's been quite a character in the previous chapters, and I like that. She doesn't have much of a role in the main Mankin, and I wasn't sure if I would be able to make her character effective and non-OOC in Navy, but I think I'm succeeding so far. She's just exactly the way she is in the Anime, except this time, I'm showing a little more emotional side to her.

As for Ren...in Navy, he's almost exactly the way he is in the Anime, except for the emotional side. I'm not sure if I made him too...stupid in Navy, but just in case anyone contests that part, I have an explanation at the ready. As for his treatment of Pilica, and his lack of courage and guts when it comes to her, that's pretty Ren-ish, in my opinion. He's always been sort of afraid to express his feelings to people he cares about, and I do believe that it's partly because he's afraid to be rejected, as he himself has always rejected people ever since he was young. He didn't want people treating him the way he used to treat them, hence the fear.

And then, Pilica...she's not so much the brat she used to be anymore, which is explained by maturity. Age. In my opinion, she wouldn't act the way she acted at 11 when she's 22 (which is her age in Navy), so she's a little more thoughtful yet still ultra-emotionally-charged, the way she was when she was younger (I think she cried a lot). She's a very emotional young woman. What I haven't shown here yet is her forceful and physically strong side--this would be showcased in Chapter 9.^^

Hm. Studying Psychology has been really good for me. Character analyses come so naturally. I think I've already done this with Jeanne and Lyserg, during Venice and in the two side stories. I've even explained why Jeanne is so aggressive and so eager to love. As for Lyserg...I don't think he'd ever forgive the man who killed his parents, but given his character, and the lessons he learned from Yoh, and from the love of his life, toleration is quite a start. Jeanne despises Hao, too...and she and Lyserg would be somehow similar with their regard for him. But the fact that they now have each other, and the fact that they have Hao to thank partly for making them see the light, would be a cause for them to...somehow be able to tolerate Hao to a higher degree.

As for Marco...he goes with whatever Jeanne-sama wants, so he'd be treating Hao the same way she does. For the Lyserg bit, though...I really don't think it would be a long time before he actually learns to accept wholeheartedly that his almost-daughter Jeanne was deeply involved with one of his former comrades, and worse (anime-wise), one who had left them to go back to the friends he once knew. If he discerns it all up, he'd know and realize that there's always been something more than just a simple Mistress-Angel Protector relationship between Jeanne and Lyserg (much in the same way that there's always been something in between Ren and Pilica than just him being her brother's rival and her being his rival's sister).

Anyway, maybe in the near future I'll write something where they've all learned to accept each other. Maybe I will.

Which reminds me...

I wonder how the heck En will be able to really, honest-to-goodnessly accept Pilica as his son's (future) wife?

Hm. I'll have to work on that.

I still have to finish that little lemon fic I promised Reen I'd write for her. I hope she'll forgive me if I don't get it out by Saturday. I am quite uninspired with lemon-writing right now.

But maybe I'll get inspired later.

I'll be writing the rest of Chapter 9 a little later on, too.

So yeah, maybe I'll end with that.

Current mood: Eager
Current music: Yuragi Koto Nai Ai from GetBackers

Depressed.

Here I go again with another one of my ultra-mega depressed entries. Like I've said before (probably at least a thousand times in my mind), it seems like each and every single time I write in this thing, all I can ever write about are sad, depressing things. But like I always tell myself, that's what a blog-journal thingy is for, right? A place (basho/tokoro) to say whatever you feel. A place to vent out all your emotions.

I think my only consolation here is that even though I am often plagued by negative emotions, at least they are feelings of sadness and not anger or hate. Anger and hate takes a lot more from people than sadness ever would...or at least, I think so. Hm, maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better. Maybe on some level, anger, hate and sadness are all pretty much the same, takes equal amounts of strength from people. I don't really know. But I feel that anger and hatred are the worst feelings in the world people could ever have. When you're angry or you hate, there is inevitably another person (or persons) or thing involved, and that's never good. Holding a grudge against someone else is never a good thing.

On the other hand, if you're sad, then...granted, there *might* be another person or persons involved, but most of the time...it's just you yourself. As it is with me. In sadness, you feel the things yourself because of yourself (if that makes any sense). In hatred and anger, you blame other people (or things) for feeling what you're feeling, and blaming other people is never a good thing. Blaming yourself is better...but not too much. Taking all the blame yourself proves that...you know you've done something wrong. However, blaming other people is some sort of...escape for a lot of people who have too much pride and ego and refuse to take the blame (and thus, the punishment) for things they've done. For mistakes they've committed. And refusing that you were wrong when you obviously are is never a good thing. Inevitably, you'll still end up being punished, but punishments are easy to accept if you know and you believe yourself that you are to blame. Defensiveness sometimes (or most of the times) means that you know you have done something wrong yet you refuse to admit it.

Why am I saying all this? I don't really know.

I don't have a point.

Well, at least I didn't start this entry with my usual hard notebook journal entries: "I know I should be doing this, but I just..." stuff. *shrug* My favorite things to do during highschool and college: procrastinate, and then feel guilty about it and write it all out on my big notebook (which contains lots of cut-up stories and poems and sex scenes and such). And then, after the writing, that's when I finally start whatever project I've just successfully managed to put aside in favor of the TV, the telephone, or a new book I happened to come across. Or a new plot whatever that refused to get out of my pretty little head about some new non-existent boy or man or kid in my life.

Will I ever get much out of my life if I keep on doing this? I mean, I'm doing it right now. I gave myself today as a deadline for writing Navy and Azure 7, but as of current I've only written about 9k of the whole thing. That means I still have around 21k to write, and considering how I have been for the past week, writing so little takes SO much effort and drains so much out of me. Imagine: I wrote that 9k for FOUR hours. And that's not even counting the half a day I spent yesterday staring at the computer screen blankly. I just *could not* start it for some reason. There is something really terrifyingly wrong with my brain. I don't know what it is.

I really need to go back to school and get this brain of mine back to work. Maybe then I can get it back to the way it was before...or maybe not. If (actually, more like WHEN) I go back to school (which I have every intention of doing), I will again be disappearing from the world of fanfiction writing entirely--something that has already happened to me back in junior and senior year of college. When I am in school, I am obsessed with school, and my tendency is to focus my entire body, heart, and soul on school work, spending what little I have of my free time hanging out with my friends, watching television, reading books and writing fictions (nota bene, por favor: FICTIONS, without the "FAN" prefix). Even though they have the disadvantage of lack of timeline, back-story and character existence, I still prefer writing fictions to fanfictions, because with fictions, I have free reign over everything. I don't have to worry about OOCs or even OCs or inconsistencies to the plot with the way the Anime/Manga was. I have freedom to do whatever I want. I can even make myself the main character, if I want. Me and my friends, just like I did with that short little fiction called "Love Fool" which I seriously planned to write more extensively. I wanted to make it a lot longer, with a lot more explanations, humor, men, and of course...sex. And in Love Fool, sex is so easy to write, because I can write them as dirty as I want them to be. I can be as carnal as I want (and among my friends, I am probably the second most carnal...Dawn is the first). And best of all, I can play around with all of my friends' characters all I want, and they won't kill me or flame me for it.

Anyway, that's what I love about fiction writing. Although it's harder, it allows me much more freedom.

Just to clear it out, I still have plans to write out Love Fool, when I get the inspiration again. I mean, I have the Christina-Jonathan story almost completely written out, so that's one less problem (that's my story, in case anyone was wondering). I only have to write out a couple more: the Dawn-Eddie-Joseph-Bryan-MJ-Ronan story, the Pat-Jon-uhm...Jerry (?) story, the Pam-TJD story (which is half-written already), the Jan-Brad story, the Jeanette-Christopher (or Mark...might have to change his name to Mark) story, and the Poca-Lawrence story (which is a very short piece). I'm still thinking of whether I should add a Tessa-Justin story, because I can't think of any plot for them. Either way, I want to get it written someday. I want to finish "Sixteen" too, come to think of it. And then there's its sequel, "Seventeen," and the third and fourth story, "Starting Anew" and "Three Proposals." And then there's "Witness." And then, there's "Stars and Fireworks on New Year's Eve."

And there's this one whose title I forgot...anyway, the story on this is about this little girl searching for her mother, and how she manages to get herself into a place where children are used by the antagonist to earn money. She meets a lot of kids--all of them orphans, and they all grow to love her--except for Matthew, that is. He hates her because he's the tough thug leader of the children, and she's taken their attention away from him. But well...eventually (yatto), he falls in love with her, gets to be her first in everything (yes, of *course* there's sex in it!), and well...yeah. It's a love story between a sweet, beautiful girl (her name is Callie) and a smart ass thug with no feelings (Matthew). I haven't got a title for this yet (I've seen my notes), but maybe I can call it...Faith. Yeah. And the title for its sequel is "Hope." The sequel will be about Callie's brother Arthur and one of the orphans, Anna. There's a sort of happy ending already for Callie and Matthew for this part. Arthur is a cripple, and Anna is a sad orphan. Anna wants to help Arthur walk again, but Arthur has no more hope...and he loses that even more when he is unable to help his sister when she was going into labor.

Anyway, if I can get to writing this, there might be a third part..."Love," I think, this time. The final part. This will be about the youngest of all the orphans, Elizabeth, or Liz. At the time of this story, Liz has been legally adopted by the Diana McMillian (Callie and Arthur's mom). Angel is 3 years old, Arthur is starting to walk (and starting to woo Anna) and Callie and Matthew (the Ryans) are living happily ever after. Anyway, Liz is torn between all of her "brothers," the orphaned boys: Richard, Andrew, Charlie (Anna's brother), Thomas, Dennis, Nat, and Parker. They all nurtured her and took care of her...and she has to choose one of them. Okay, I've only developed the plot of this now, so I don't know how this is going to end up, but...at least I have it here.

So anyway, there's one other work I wanted to write..."Clouds," but it looks like it will be kept in the cabinet, as I have no inspiration for it. And then, there's my online story, "Portraits of Memories," which a good friend of mine liked. I *might* continue that if I get the inspiration back...even though I have absolutely no knowledge and talent when it comes to art, and that's what that story is all about. The only art background I have was from fifth grade, and from Claudia Kishi of The Baby-Sitters Club, and that's not a lot. But I *do* love the best friend thing plot of that. Yes, I do.

So, how much fiction do I have pending for me?

1. Love Fool
2. Sixteen, Seventeen, Starting Anew, Three Proposals
3. Witness
4. Stars and Fireworks on New Years Eve
5. Faith, Hope, Love
6. Portraits of Memories

And yep, I forgot to mention some of the other stuff I've begun to write like way before sixth grade but suddenly lost interest in. The pseudo-V.C. Andrews types of work. I don't think I'll ever do them. I mean, all I ever get up to is the Prologue and Epilogue, and even then, there isn't a lot to the stories. Maybe someday I'll get the inspiration back, so I'll keep the notes just in case.

And oh yeah...I forgot about this half-fanfiction, half-original fiction I have in the works..."Again." This is about Hisashi and Ayumi...getting back together and stuff. There's a lot of basketball here. I want to continue this too, as well as its sequel..."Beautiful," which is about Ayumi's cousin Rumiko, and Nobunaga, another basketball player. There are also a passel of side stories for this (and lots of sex scenes for Ayumi and Hisashi...LOTS). Speaking of that, I remember one entry I have here...in it, Hisashi was stuck with the hard on.^^;;; I'm proud to say that Hisashi is no longer stuck on that hard-on, because they've managed to get it over and done with already.*grin* Yes, I've managed to finish the sex scene for that, and I honestly like it. One more successful sex scene for me--not too dirty, not too clean. Just the right amount of lust and love to keep me going.*grin* Hisashi has a lot of hormones he needs to extinguish...and Ayumi is a very beautiful and very willing uh...extinguisher. Honestly? I don't know how Ayumi manages not to get pregnant. I mean, they don't do withdrawal (I DON'T like withdrawal), Hisashi doesn't use condoms (he's a one-woman-man, anyways) and Ayumi doesn't use diaphragms or whatever. But...oh yeah. She uses lots and lots of birth control pills--same thing that K does in "Sixteen."

Have I ever explained the plot of "Sixteen?" It's just a simple story with lots of sex. A simple girl with lots of dreams, and a rich, rich boy...and they fall in love. In "Seventeen," Joey (the hero in Sixteen) starts taking advantage of K, and K hates it. A half-British, half-Arab friend of Joey's studies in their school for that year, and he...takes care of K everytime Joey makes her cry. In the end, he falls in love with her, and she, with him. She ends up leaving both of them, not wanting to choose between either one of them for fear of hurting them both. And she moves somewhere far away for College...and meets a half-Japanese, half-American genius of a boy. This is where "Starting Anew" starts...uhm, begins, rather. The two of them becomes best of friends, and she dates his three brothers, and he, her roommate, before the two of them realize that they were in love with each other all along. Lots of things happen before they finally get together. But they do...and right after graduation, K's two other old flings from high school visit...and here's where the three proposals part comes in. I kinda mapped out already who she'll end up with, but I *do* have alternative stories in case I suddenly decide that she should end up with one of the other two she rejected.*shrug*

Uhm...so where was I? Oh, yes. Fictions. I've just given the massive amount of fictions I've begun to work on ever since I was ten or eleven years old. Actually, I haven't even counted here the others which I have no intention of working on anymore. There are LOTS, I think...and my extensive notebook collection of brief conversations and monologue-ish discourse prove that. I've always wanted to be a writer. Isn't that obvious? Yet...I want to own a computer company like IBM someday too. And I also want to write my own lifestyle column. And be a translator of Japanese. And be a lifestyle magazine editor. I want to do a lot of things. Yeah, I do. Hm. At least I'm still in my early twenties, which means I still have almost two decades or so to accomplish everything I want to accomplish. And oh yeah...I want to travel around the world as well. Too many things, no?*shrug* And what am I currently doing to accomplish any of this? Nothing. I'm sitting out here and writing my blog on an offline notepad.

Well, my only consolation as of now is this: it's almost Christmas, I've just finished that hell of a Japanese Exam, and I deserve a little break. By January, I'll have to start moving my feet again. I need to get those recommendation letters for the masteral. And I need to submit my transcript. By God, they had better accept me. I mean, I know I don't have a cum laude attached to my graduated status, but hell, I *have* worked hard. I just don't kiss up to my teachers as much as my other batchmates do (not my classmates, though). In my course, sometimes it takes more than talent to go up...sometimes (or most of the times) it takes a lot of kissing up to professors. And a lot of professors are in love with students who kiss up to them.

My thesis adviser isn't one of them, I know. Nor are some of the other teachers I like. My thesis adviser just *can't* understand that I have *no talent* whatsoever when it comes to technical writing. I am hopeless at that kind of thing. Utterly hopeless. Utterly not (kesshite) talented. No skill in it whatsoever. I think his head hurt a lot from reading my thesis. I've read it once and I don't want to read it anymore, but I know...it sounds horribly like a novel waiting to happen, even my analysis. Truth and fact is that I just *can't* write technically. I am such a loser when it comes to those things, which probably explains my mediocre grade in all the papers I've ever submitted to him. Okay, okay, they're not exactly mediocre...but not a grade I'll be proud of, anyway. My work is somewhere along the middle. Not too high, not exactly average. Alright, so maybe I *can* write technically if I really want to try...but I am hopeless at trying something like that...just as I am hopeless in writing anything short. Like as in *short,* you know.

Well, at least I know the basics and I can work on them. There's this work around here that pays good bucks to technical writers...and I wondered before if I can maybe apply, but truth is...technical writing isn't something I want to do. I would never enjoy it, because although I love English grammar and such, I detest technical writing. It's so rigid. So unlike creative writing...well, once in my life, I found creative writing rigid, too--back in senior year at high school.

My stupid creative writing and journalism teacher hates me and my classmates so much, I think. She hardly ever approves of anything we write...my works, in particular. I think I have this...revolutionary way of writing in her class. I don't like her (and I used to see her in church every Sunday...*shudders* and she always looks at me like she wants me to greet her...*shudders even more* ew.), and I know she doesn't like me much. No, she's not an old maid--she's quite young, actually (I think she might be...26 or 27 now), but the way she is, you'd think she's in menopause or something. Anyway, why do I say that I sorta write revolutionary in her classes? Well...she asks us to write stories, poems, analysis of magazine ads, stuff. My magazine add was about nail polish...and I don't know how I managed to make my analysis sorta...sexual. Carnal, even. She gave me a 94 for that paper, but I think she had been forced to, just because she realized that I knew more about sex more than she ever would, even though she probably had more experience than me at that time (I was just sixteen then). And then, there's my poem about this ren...uhm, RED (my hands want me to write up the rest of Navy and Azure) sunset...I got a low grade for that because...I think my poem was kind of bloody and gory. I think she didn't like that.>_< I didn't like the picture she wanted us to write the poem about, so I was in a bad mood, I think. I *might* have wanted to kill her that time.

Our final final exam was something I remember a lot...a classmate of mine praised my story because it made her shiver all over.*grin* I am proud of myself for that one, but I only wish I had a copy of it. But no...it was an impromptu story that was submitted to our dear teacher and never returned. She should suffer the worst karma if she ever submits that anywhere and puts her name on it.*frowns darkly* If she ever does that, I hope she dies. Anyway, I know she gave me a high grade for that one (it showed on my report card), albeit grudgingly. At the time of the exam (when I wrote that story) I was feeling very pissed and depressed and down...and I hated her even more immensely then for putting me up to the torture of forced writing, of asking me to force myself to let the bloody creative juices flow. And the juices did flow, mind you...extensively. My story ended up in suicide. Yep, it was a short, short piece on suicide...of this girl whose parents were murdered, and of her sister who was raped and killed.*shrug* Her suicide was gory as well--bloody knife. That piece was goth-horror, and when I got out of class that day, I felt lighter. That story had been a wonderful emotional outlet for me.

I only wish I was able to keep a copy of it.

There are two other high school stories I wish I was able to keep a copy of. One of them was this fairy-tale sort of story called "The Queen, the Mirror, and the Princess." My teacher (my English teacher, whom I totally love this time), praised me so much for this. And there was NO correction AT ALL in the story. I think I got a 98 for this. Anyway, I really wish I could have kept a copy of it, because I really loved it. So beautiful. Not too short nor too long, too.

The other story was written in our language, and it was about a girl. Her father died, and her mother left her and her brother all alone. After a couple of years, the mother came back, and the daughter wouldn't accept her mother no matter how many times she said sorry. But time passed...the mother died of cancer, and this is the only time the daughter was able to accept her mother again. It's a sad story that (I think) made my (Filipino) teacher cry. I especially loved the ending of that: (in tagalog, of course) "It's never too late to forgive...it's never too late." I remember that, because I loved it so much.*sigh* I really wish I could have kept a copy of that.

Enough about that, and my writing. This has gotten too long already.

I just recently saw that Nezumi-chan has put up her own LJ. Hm. She said in her entries that...my blog inspired her.*winces* I am *SO* majorly embarrassed. There are a lot of things here about...a lot of stuff and it's kind of embarrassing if she has read any of my entries.*winces repeatedly* But then again, it is *my* fault for putting this up into public eye. Now I know three people who read my blog. SO embarrassing.

And plus, if she's read my recent entries, I think...well, um. There's something about it. I'm not going to say anymore. I've been incredibly honest in my blog lately. And it's so awfully embarrassing. The people don't comment on my blog, but darn, they read it...and I used to think nobody reads my blog. I only allowed Pam and Lai to read my blog before (when it was still in 22Blog, but now it's in Tripod) because...well, just wanted to test it out. I never intended to have people read my blog, but like I've said...it's my own fault for putting this up somewhere public. FF.net is *so* much more public than my website, especially now. I know a lot of people read my stories even if they don't review (now I realize why...I write way long chapters, and I don't ask for anything specific in a review...well, I'm not really looking for reviews much these days. It's enough that some people enjoy my stories, nevermind the reviews), and if I don't update, that would mean they either access my stories on the SK pages, or *wince* at my profile. And my blog is right up there on my profile, so it's so easy to click on.*shakes head* Me and my sick thoughts. Sick me. Ah, well.

Oh yeah...that nice person who sent me the cute LXJ pic sent me some pics of Ren (and Lyserg) I think sometime over the weekend. I asked her if she had any request from me, and she told me none. But now, I know she reads my stories, because on her email she gave me one comment (which I appreciate). It went something like why there was always a third party of sorts in my stories...there was Marco in Venice, and now, En in Navy and Azure. She says they are bad and all, but why do I do that? The novelty wears off after sometime...well, I wish to address that here. Maybe she's reading this, maybe not, but...anyway, I'll do this. Thing is, in relationships, third parties (in the relationship) are not the worst obstacles in the world. There are others. And in the case of Venice, it's Marco; in Navy, it's En. Other than that, I have this...phobia, for lack of a better term, regarding third parties. In love stories, sometimes it's the most obvious obstacle that could break up a relationship, aside from the really, really, *really* obvious obstacle that is...the lovers themselves. And since I've gotten over that girl-and-boy-need-to-work-this-out parts, I've decided: other than third parties, what other factor can break the couple up? I'm trying to be a little realistic here. I've grown up over the years, and if I were seventeen now instead of twenty-one, I'd probably go with the third party option, but now...I think about other things.

In a relationship, sometimes love just isn't enough to keep two people together. Even without third parties in the way, sometimes, things *happen.* And realistically, taking into account culture, people, and background, En going against Ren and Pilica's relationship to the point that he would want to separate them by getting rid of her is *entirely* possible. I've thought about this a lot before I wrote everything. In the case of Lyserg and Jeanne, though...with Jeanne, Marco is hardly a threat, but with Lyserg...with what I know of the Anime and Manga, it's entirely possible that he would be quite scared of Marco...not to the point that he would really cower, of course, but, well...um. If anyone gets interested, there's a back-back story way before Venice that I've begun to work on. I don't think I'll be posting it anywhere, but maybe I can get a little synopsis of sorts started. This includes Caesar, Luc and Sarah too. This new LXJ is a pre-prequel to Venice, and it would tell the story of how Jeanne and Lyserg's relationship actually developed, as well as what had caused Marco's animosity and uhm...*cough* hatred for Lyserg. And why it was Jeanne who visited Lyserg's detective agency and not Lyserg who visited the missionary house often before the confessions in Celebrations took place.

Well...alright. I don't know if I was able to explain it that clearly, but uh...*shrug*. Anyway, all the same, I appreciate her comments. The HoroXTamao side story will be a little different from Venice and Navy, because although there *would* be a great obstacle, it's something unexpected.

My biggest problem now: it seems that I can't get inspired to write a YohXAnna, which makes me feel so ashamed as I love them to pieces. I hope I'll get inspired soon. But I don't think I'll go through with the supposed lemon side story for them anymore. I've totally lost the inspiration.

After Navy and Azure, I'll work on the smut side stories. I need to get them all out of my head.

Ohh, what a long entry. I seriously need to write Navy and Azure 7. Like as in right now.

Darn it. I've got to go end this.

Nope, no longer depressed. Just weirded out. And feeling hopeless.

(Goddammit, I need to write Navy and Azure)

Heh.

It seems like every single time I write in this thing, it's all about my many problems, and the sick sad sorry excuse of a life that I'm living. Ah, what the hell, isn't that what a blog is for? *shrug* I'm pretty sure -that's- what it's for. Problems. Wastedness. Pathetic existence. Wrong decisions. Sorry regrettable consequences and bad choices.

After a long, agonizing seven months of studying and torturing myself with verbs, vocabulary, grammar and kanji (only for the past three weeks), last Sunday (December 7) my classmates and I finally, finally, FINALLY got to take the Japanese Language Proficiency Exam. The night before the exam, I managed to sleep earlier than I usually do--around 11 pm. Or at the very least, I TRIED my best to sleep...but all the vocabulary and grammar rules were jumping around inside my head, torturing me with their presence and making it very hard for me to get peace (anshin...see, up to now I'm still translating...dammit). All throughout the night, and till the wee hours of the morning, I tossed and turned and tossed and turned. I really COULD NOT sleep for some reason. And I envy my classmates for having been able to get their fair share of sleep that night. Why couldn't I do the same? I honestly don't know.

Anyway, exam went on sometime around...past nine or so Sunday. It ended sometime around 12:30. All I can say about it is that...I messed up, big time. I'm not getting my hopes up on passing that exam. It *might* have been a fluke that I passed the Level 4 exam last year (and people would say, "78 percent? A FLUKE? You're nuts.")...or maybe not. I don't know. But this exam is...different, somehow. I just know that I really, REALLY messed up. I studied so much but I messed up. That sucks, but...I know I tried my best. I REALLY did. But I know I'm still not going to pass.

So, that was why I made up my mind to finally get my life back on track. It's not going anywhere with me being just a bum. I needed to do something productive. Just earlier today (or should I say, earlier yesterday), my friends and I decided to inquire about the Asian Studies masteral program at the University I graduated in. Anyway, they said the requirements could be passed around January next year, so I'm going to do that. I've already got some of the stuff needed prepared. Stupid diploma's not yet available, dammit, but it's a good thing it's not a part of the requirements for the masteral. I sure hope I'll be able to get in. GWA's supposed to be 2.0 or better, and dammit, little miss me is half a decimal away from being cum laude. I think I should have kissed up to my other professors more...then perhaps I would have gotten higher grades. But well, I'm still glad I didn't, because that would have made a complete hypocrite out of me, and I -never- want to be like that. I like myself the way I am, thank you very much. The only thing I can say so much for myself that I'm proud of is that I'm a real person. Although I keep some things from other people, I'm always sincere. Sometimes, to the point of annoyance...but hey, I'm REAL. That's something about me that makes me feel good that I'm me. Doesn't make much of sense, I know, but...that's me. No sense. Weird all throughout.*shrug* People will just have to deal.

Anyway, my friends know how I am, WHO I am. And they love me like this.

At least, I think they do...

Oops. Paranoia check. I need to do something about that. Anyway, speaking of paranoia, upon re-reading the last entry, yes, I do believe I'm just being too depressed and paranoid. I'm just obsessing about it too much. My two friends weren't ignoring me, I know that now. We were just all busy, couldn't catch each other online. I finally -did- get to talk with one of them sometime the week before last, and I'll have to say that I really -missed- chatting with her. We're not of the same nationality, and we've never met each other, but it just feels so -nice- to talk with her. It's like having a younger sister. I can't say I've always wanted a younger sister, because I'm perfectly contented with being the youngest, but when I talk to her...it makes me feel like it would really be nice to have a younger sister. At least, if the younger sister is something like her. She's such a NICE person, I swear to God she is. I hope she's like that in real life as well. Maybe I'll get to meet her someday. Who knows? Either way, I want to continue being online friends with her. I like her. I honestly do.

As for my other friend...haven't had the chance to chat with her again yet, but I do hope to meet her soon. She's in the same country as I am (just a little bit far away), so that could be possible. I mean, I've already met one of my online friends (just earlier yesterday) and although I wasn't able to talk to her that much, I think she's just the same online as she is in person. I just really wish we were able to talk more. At the very least, though, I got to meet her, and that's something. Now I have a face to go with the name, and that's good. Anyhow, the other friend...she just teased me in one of her posts in the mailing list again, so I do believe she's not angry. As for the offended part...I'll have to ask. I wonder what time she usually goes online? I haven't chatted with her in a long time. The important thing is, she's not angry with me. It's just my paranoid little self getting worried over nothing.

I have another online friend, whom I think is such a nice person. She and her sister are such nice people. She doesn't review much for my fics, but I know she and her sister read them, and that's good enough for me. I'm not really asking for reviews from people. The most important thing for me is that people read and enjoy them, nevermind the reviews. And besides, some of them tell me personally how much they like my stories, and for me, that's better than any ff.net review in the world. Especially with this online friend of mine. She knows she doesn't need to review (I know how busy she is) but still, once in a while she emails me and lets me know how much she and her sister like the latest chapters. She adds lots of comments (even for the unposted side-fics) and I totally enjoy her comments. Her emailing me personally makes me happy. And I'll have to say, I like her too. I want to meet her, as well. I'm sure she's a very nice person.

Among all of them, though, I honestly like my Chinese friend best. She's such a sweet person. Sometime ago, she even sent me an e-card to cheer me up (during one of my blue funks), and I appreciate that very much. I also feel that...there's so much about her to like. I really hope I can meet her someday. I consider her now as one of my friends. We've known each other for six months, but we've officially been friends for three months. I hope we'll stay friends. I'd like to have her as an online friend--and hopefully a real-life friend. That would make me very happy.

But I do like them all, I honestly do. At least, what I know of them. With these fanfic-writer people, though, I think who they are online is pretty much who they are in person. I mean, I *know* online me is pretty much just like real-life me--even the hentaishness. Everything, actually. So maybe my online friends are like me, as well. What you...uhm, -write- is what you get. Heh.

There's another nice person who's been emailing me for the past two days. She's another ff.net person, and she sent me a grownup fanart of Iron Maiden Jeanne, which is extremely nice of her. It's a sweet thing when people give you something to show that they appreciate a certain thing you've done for them...and in this case, I've written fics. She hasn't reviewed for any of my singular works, though. I'm not sure if she reads my fics--maybe she does. I think she does. After all, that was how she got my email addresses. She wrote to me on the hotmail one, too. Actually, she wrote to me there first. She's the one who was asking for a beta-reader. Which reminds me--I have a little story to tell about that later. Anyway, I thanked her for the pictures, and just earlier tonight (December 9), I saw her reply, and she sent me TWO more pictures! She's SO nice. Her sending me pictures actually makes me feel even more guilty that I didn't beta her fic when she asked for it...but as I've said before, she didn't ask me specifically, so I shouldn't be feeling guilty.

Anyway, about that story. She sent me another email which explained about the beta-ing thing. I was honestly surprised to receive an email with that subject. I just added the sorry bit in the thank-you email I gave her because I wanted to pacify my own guilt about not being able to find her a beta reader and not volunteering to beta it, because I really *did* feel guilty. So anyhow, she did email me about the beta thing...and she even said that she read that entry in my blog (SO embarrassed...I was asking for SEX at the final lines.*wince*). She apologized for the whole thing, and...I don't know. I feel weird about it. She's SO darn NICE. I mean, she didn't need to apologize, -I- was the one who owed the apology, that was why I gave it. At least, I *think* I owed her at least a small sorry. I think I might have given myself some sort of a guilt trip. I do that a lot, I know that now. I just really felt so badly about the whole thing. I feel like I could have been at least a bit more...kind to her. I don't know. What does all of this say about me? I don't know.

So...I do believe she meant that email to apologize to me, but...I feel like...I'm inside that self-created web of guilt trip all over again. I just really feel like I *should* have done something, because I didn't. *sigh* I think I'm going to reply to her sometime after I post this, just to clear things up a bit.

Anyway, having received that from her, I've realized that people read my blog after all. *shrug* Well, they're my thoughts, so...at least I don't name names most of the time, but if people who know me read my blog, they'll know who I'm talking about. Ah, well...

Oh, wait a sec. I'm supposed to be posting up my problems here. I've already said my first problem of sorts earlier, so now I'm relaying my second dilemma. It's not really a dilemma, just a minor problem. It's this: it seems that when I took a 2-week break from writing Navy and Azure (to prepare for the freaking national Japanese exam that I probably [tabun] didn't pass), my brain and inspiration took a break right along with it and now it appears like they no longer want to come back. I was planning to finish Navy and Azure by January 1 (Ren's 18th birthday) but it doesn't look like (nai rashii) I'll be able to. I haven't even started on chapter 6 yet, and I *should* (hazu) be starting on it now. I should (hazu) have started on it last Monday...but I didn't. And I can't even write other things decently. Something has gone horribly wrong inside my brain. Something is malfunctioning. I don't know what it is. I do hope it's not permanent.

Either way, I'm hoping I'll be able to at least finish most of chapter 6 later in the morning till the night. I hope to get it up and posted by Friday evening at the latest. In the next couple of weeks, I want to go back to the twice-a-week thing again. I'm gonna have to, if I want to finish this by January. Which means I need to get my inspiration back...fast.

So, maybe for now, I can end with that. It's 1:40 am.

God, I am such a sicko...

Feeling Heavy (Omoi)

I'm a little depressed today. I don't even know why. Or, more correctly, I'm not exactly -sure- why. There are a lot of factors contributing to this, I'm sure. I'm just not quite certain which is the worst (or gravest) of them all.

First: two weeks ago, I said something about not calling the people in charge for my teaching English, right? Well...I was afraid that Friday that on Saturday, when I have my Japanese classes, I would be...what's the word for it...scolded for not calling and skipping my classes. I was feeling trepidation all throughout my trip towards the office where we held our classes. I was feeling very apprehensive.

When I got there, though, I wasn't told off at all...rather, it was as if none of it ever happened. I don't know if I should feel good or bad about that, but...well, I certainly felt...weird. I was afraid to ask, because I know that would be proof that I knew I was guilty of something, and I WAS, but I really had no intention of admitting it. And besides, I really didn't want to see those Japanese fellows anymore. I don't wanna teach them anymore if they're going to say something again about my contacts (yes, I know. I'm dwelling on the contacts issue again..sue me). But the thing is, I don't want to tell them that I don't want to teach anymore. I'm a little...afraid. I mean, this is the only thing I have that's preventing me from calling myself a full-fledged unemployed bum, so I didn't want to lose it...but I didn't want to continue it anymore, either.

That's so confusing, isn't it? And then, there's that fact that I feel somewhat...ignored during the class. Or perhaps it was just me thinking that. I don't really know for sure. But...well...it was just really weird.

Well, one thing's for sure: I had better pass this Level 3 proficiency exam (ta hou ga ii desu). I had better pass it so that I can move on and plan whatever future I can plan for myself. I am not going to spend all of my life writing stuff for people who don't pay me to write, dammit. If I'm going to write in the future, I wish to get paid for it. I wonder if I can start writing my own book. I want to write, but I'm a little afraid that I won't get to finish it. Not too many of the works I've started are finished. Actually, none of my original fictions (not counting short stories on theme papers in high school) are finished. Some are halfway done, some...have the start and the end, while some...have the outlines, but nothing's quite...there, you know. Everything's half-baked. That sucks, because I want to write my own book someday. I want to be able to sell it and get paid for it. Yes, I want to get paid for writing.

But I don't want to be a journalist. That's, like, forced writing. If I am going to work in a newspaper, I want to write something I will enjoy...else I want to be an assistant editor or something to that effect. I'd like to edit. I like editing. I like grammar.

So yeah, that's basically the whole and the half of what I want to do with my life right now.

Maybe I should get a job. All this moping around might be the one causing my frequent blue funks. I wonder if I should apply somewhere, like on a broadsheet or something. Maybe I need to work this off. Hm. I'll think about it after the proficiency exam. Yep, maybe I'll get a job...

Okay, let's move on to the second: I have this little online friend. I'm not going to say who she is (she might be reading this). Anyway, I feel like lately, she's been ignoring me. I don't know. She's not answering my mails or mailing me or anything. She hasn't mailed me anything for two weeks, and we've never gone off that long without mailing each other. Last Monday, I sent her an email, though...but she hasn't answered yet. I don't know why. Maybe she's angry at me, though I don't know for what reason, because I *know* for a fact that I haven't done anything to offend her in any way. I don't know. Or maybe it's just me who's feeling this way. Maybe I'm just expecting too much. Am I?

Or maybe this too much moping is really getting to me, and I'm starting to think that something is there even though it really isn't. I don't know.

I should probably just concentrate on studying those Japanese verbs. But dear God, I am just so SICK of them. Halfway through memorizing earlier this evening, I started to get dizzy. I'll memorize the other half tomorrow...and plus, brush up on the 200 kanji once again to see if I have them all completely memorized. Earlier this afternoon, I was brushing up on my nouns, conjunctions, prepositions, adverbs, and adjectives. I have like three pages which contains around....a thousand words, maybe. And I was trying to see if I had them all memorized. After that, I had moved on to the verbs (300+ of them). I don't know why I'm still alive and breathing right now. I didn't get them all memorized. I promise I really will tomorrow...and I hope I'll be able to live up to my promise. I've still got the 34 special conjugation and all the 5 verb forms to memorize and study and understand. And the if-when verb forms, and the conjunctive forms, and the comparison and the special verbs and...

I think I'll probably be dead before this is all over.

Or maybe not. I'll probably be dead after the proficiency exam. I really hope I'll pass this. I really need to pass this. I don't want to take another exam like this next year. I want to leave this sorry excuse for a country. I want to leave and never come back. I want to form my own future somewhere else....preferably NOT here. This is a sick sorry sad place. I don't like sick sorry sad places. I want to be happy, and I do believe I'll be happier living somewhere else. Some other country that is not here.

Japan is certainly a good option. I'll just get new, clear contact lenses so that the freaking men and women won't get freaked out with my eyes.

Enough about that. For my third thing: I have another online friend whom I think has been ignoring me as well. I know she may just be busy but...I'm hoping she didn't get offended by what I wrote. I mean, sure, it -was- a little extreme, but...I do hope it wasn't that offensive. I feel like she might have been offended because...well...in the mailing list we both belonged to, she didn't answer my question to her. I don't know if she hasn't read it or whatever but...well, I just feel...weird about it. Maybe she was offended. Or maybe I'm just too paranoid for my own health and peace of mind. I don't know. Either way, I feel weird about it. I feel kinda sad, too, because I feel that she's kinda ignoring me. And I don't like it when people ignore me. It makes me sad.

For the fourth thing: I don't think I've ever mentioned this, but...a while back, there was this person who mailed me and asked me if I knew some beta readers (cause I seem to know a lot of people in the ff community) and she wondered if she could maybe request me to ask them if any one of them would mind beta-ing her fic for her. What she said was somewhere along those lines, and I was thinking, she wanted -someone else- and not me to beta her fic for her. She wanted someone I -knew-, and not me per se. That was how I interpreted her mail, anyways. And then, I thought about it. I was wondering if whether I should reply to her or not. I was thinking it might be good polite courtesy (is that redundant?) to reply to her even though I haven't found any beta readers for her just so she'll know that I've read and taken her letter into account. So I did give her a reply. An online friend (the one who's been ignoring me--the first one) advised me on some of the things that I should tell my mailer. What I said was somewhere along the lines of: "you know, if I didn't have so many fic projects of my own lined up (and I -did- have projects...still -do-, in fact), I'd volunteer to beta your fic for you, but as it is...I do. Anyway, I'll try to ask some of the people I know if they wouldn't mind. If you're anxious to get a beta reader quickly, why not just email a couple of people and ask them yourself?"

My mail went something like that, I believe. And I think I added a few more stuff, like, how I didn't want to suggest any of my friends' names because it wouldn't be proper for me to go on suggesting them like that without their permission, stuff. And I -did- say I'll ask around, but...I don't really have time to do people I don't know many favors, and what she was asking me was kind of a big favor. I did ask one of my online friends...but just like me, she had stuff lined up for her, too. And besides, none of us have any beta readers. I don't have one myself, and -she- doesn't have one either, and I'm pretty sure my other friend (the second ignorer) doesn't have one too. It's just fact that not a lot of people in the ff community have beta readers (that's why around 60% of the fics in ffnet are loads of CRAP...you can only count the ones that are really of good quality, and they don't even get too many reviews...sheesh. Goes to show that not a lot of people have much of a taste...particularly in the SK fanfic community). It's hard to get beta readers, and good ones, too. Jenavira (one of the columnists in ff) wrote something about that. I believe around 75% of ffnet fics don't pass through the rough tests of beta-reading. Some people beta-read their own fics themselves (that's hardly beta-reading; just editing), like me, for example. It's a hard thing to get a good beta reader. And besides, -who- has time for it, really? I know -I- don't.

Anyway, this person who emailed me finally posted her fic on ffnet I think earlier this morning. She even said on her notes that no one wanted to beta-read the fic for her, and when I read that, I felt...a bit guilty. I *could* have beta'd the fic for her. I know I could have. I mean, I could have volunteered in my reply email, but the thing I've been justifying here is that SHE DIDN'T ASK ME. She asked me if I knew someone who could beta-read for her. Like I've said a while ago, she didn't ask me DIRECTLY if I could beta it for her. And sweet, wonderful little me just didn't feel like volunteering...I mean, volunteering to beta: there are all sorts of connotations for this (and knowing me as well as I do, I take note of ALL connotations). If I had volunteered, it would seem like I was *very* confident of my grammar and my beta-ing skills--and I'm not. I may be good, but DARN, I'm not THAT good. Not good enough to VOLUNTEER myself as a beta-reader, at least. Now, if she'd ask me like as in EXPLICITLY asked me somewhere along the lines of: "Hi Apple-chan, I have this fic. I was wondering if you could beta-read it for me. Please? Thanks." then maybe I WOULD have said yes. I mean, I've been asked once before. I've beta-read before, so I can beta-read again, but thing is, she should have asked me directly, not asked me if I knew someone, because although I know she might have been hoping that I'd volunteer, I wouldn't do something like that.
The question has to be direct, for me.

Anyway, like I said, for some reason, when I saw her fic (and her aforesaid comments) earlier, I felt somewhat guilty. Like maybe I should have volunteered to beta her fic for her. I know I have some valid justifications, but I wondered if maybe, just maybe--I could have made that little exception and confidently volunteered. But I'm just not like that. I have this obsessive compulsiveness for connotations...just like my obsession for grammar and with typo errors and paragraph breaks and such. It's unnerving, but...that's me.

I don't have any resolution for any of these problems. I just wanted to console myself, and I don't have anyone I can tell this to but my PC and the net. No one will ever understand this but me. Which is why I can't share this to the world. I don't think I'll be able to explain this orally even if I shared this to, say, my mom or my dear friend or my sister. It's just going to be too damn complicated orally. I know nobody ever reads my blog, but I feel better stating it out in something sorta published.

...There. See? I feel better now. Not quite so heavy anymore. Still feeling a bit depressed, but hey, I'll take what I can get.

Got to finish Azure chapter 5. I plan to have it out by Friday morning, latest. I hope I'll be able to get it out. I still have a short (long?) flashback sequence to write, plus an intro paragraph for one of the sequences. A semi-long introductory paragraph. I'm just glad I wrote out the dialogue way before. I can't even begin to think what my situation would be now if those exchanges aren't there yet. I'd be wringing my brain crazy for sentences and emotions. Well, no point in thinking about that. Important thing is, I have those dialogues written. I just need to work on the narrations.

I think after this passel of side stories, it's the end of it for my fic-making frenzy. I might post something here and there occasionally, but I don't think I'll be going through anymore with the Celebrations sequel thingie. After the side fics, I AM DONE.

Maybe I'll get started on the novel I want to get published...there are lots of written out plots in my notebooks I can use. All I need is an inspiration.

Damn. I think I need a sex life.

I want sex.

Anyone want to give me sex?

(...Right. As if anyone would.)

Confused.

It's past midnight, and I have these weird feelings tumbling out of my heart. I'm just so confused.

The weirdest dilemma I have right now is my part-time teaching job. Truth and fact is, I really, really, *really* don't want to go back to that place anymore...not if the guy I'm going to teach is the same guy who's refused me because of my contacts and the guy who doesn't even know the meaning of the word "punctual." As I've said previously, I REALLY hate those kinds of people. And I don't wanna go back there if he's the one I'm going to face. I'd rather get the old guy. I'd rather get a new student. Someone new--yes, I'd much rather prefer that. I really would.

The trouble, though, is, I've been evading my employer's assistant's calls. Last week, she's texted me saying that I had a class last Monday, but I bailed out with so much passion, saying that there was something important I had to take care of when the truth was I just really *didn't* want to teach that guy anymore. The moment I found out it was that guy I was going to teach YET AGAIN, I wanted to run away. I think I should have never asked. Then I wouldn't be in this situation right now--confused, unsure of what my next action should be because I know for a fact that I've just done (and am still doing) something terribly, inevitably wrong--and all because I wanted to get out of a teaching job.

So anyway, after I had texted the assitant finally relented, informing me as well that the other contract (with my friend) had been cancelled due to my friend's excessive latenesses. Wait a sec--that was BEFORE I started texting with passion. After I texted and they relented, Miss Assistant told me (or at least that was how I interpreted it) that Sensei was scheduled to *talk* with the company's admi because of the revoked contract...and that the other contract (with Mr. Late Guy) was also revoked already. I said a million couple of tearful sorry texts after that, and she didn't reply, and OF COURSE I knew why she didn't reply. I felt so incredibly bad that day, but I merely shook my feelings away and focused, focused on writing, and writing, and writing...and studying. I had to do SOMEthing to take my mind off all of it, of course. And well...surprisingly, I didn't harbor any deep feelings of guilt deep within me (inai=within) at all, which led me to believe that I *might* be doing the right thing after all.

After that, I started to think about Thursday, and if I had a teaching job, but I know that I actually read the text and the text said that the contract was being revoked for BOTH clients, so...I assumed pretty much that I didn't have a job that day. I didn't text to confirm or disconfirm it. I admit that the reason why I did that was I was afraid to find out that my interpretation was wrong, and I had a teaching job with Late Man after all that Thursday. I just kept ASSUMING that my interpretation was correct...and that Thursday came and went with me bumming around the house and occasionally writing and studying for the proficiency exam (I have a MONTH FLAT dammit). I didn't suffer any guilt trips, although I was actually terribly afraid of coming to class that Saturday (verily forgetting it was November 1, which would have calmed my fear of wrath from Sensei considerably) and facing Sensei. I know I have sinned. Sometimes, during the course of last week until the recently passed weekend, I consoled myself with thoughts and justified that I was really feeling impossibly OUT OF IT that Monday and I needed that break so much even if I gave another reason (very vague reason) and even though it had caused the Japanese to revoke their contract. Most of the time, I believed myself. And most counts for a lot, and I've forgotten about the few times.

Anyway, Saturday came by without a hitch, and I was relieved that before that I was able to decide that it was a holiday and we PROBABLY had no class. I was relieved.

Monday came...and I didn't go anywhere. I just stayed at home and studied some until I got dizzy from all the Kanji. And my new problem came at night: the assistant texted me, asking me if I had a teaching job, and little me texted back that I didn't know about it and I thought the contract had been revoked. Assistant texted that I should call her the next morning at this number. I went as far as recording the number and placing a reminder in my phone that I had to make a call the next day...yet I was still AFRAID. I erased the reminder before I slept that night, and in the morning, erased the text with the number, my little self dismissing my erasure as an "accident," with a little vocalized reaction from me to back it up. I was feeling guilty that Tuesday. I ignored it...and told myself that it would depend on what I would be feeling the next day (Wednesday) if I would text and ask for the number and call. I could simply excuse myself this Saturday and say that, because of all the studying I was doing, my mind somehow lost track of everything else and I'd forgotten to call.

Honestly, I wanted to call...I really did. I wanted to plead to them, to tell them if I *might* be excused just for this month so I could focus and study for the proficiency exam...but I was afraid they'd say no. They said no a couple of times to my plea last Monday about excusing me for the teaching job that day...but when I told them it was really important and I really *couldn't* get out of it...they'd said yes, grudgingly, making me feel so VERY guilty that I had to apologize a million times. So, to make it short--I didn't call because...I was afraid to. And now, my final day to call has passed and I don't have any more chances...tomorrow (rather, TODAY) is my mom's birthday and just CAN'T be home late. I hope no texts come tomorrow.

Now, I'm still afraid of coming to class this Saturday. I know I have some explaining to do. I'm still wondering what I should say.

Hm. Will Sensei be firing me? God, I hope not. This is my first job out of college, and I don't fancy getting fired, dammit.

I don't want to quit either. Can I just tell her honestly that I don't want that freaking excuse for a man as a student anymore? I can wait for Mr. Kudo. Even if he comes back next year, I SWEAR, I'll wait for him.

I really hope I don't get any texts in the morning. Or calls. I can tie up the calls, but I can't tie up my texts. I'll simply have to tell them that, just like last week Monday, I simply *cannot* make it today. I have to. I can't be gone for my mom's birthday. I just can't.

It's November 6, and has officially been since an hour ago. Happy Birthday, Mama.

Two entries in a week. Wow.

Restless.

Well.

It's a little bit -too- early for me to be doing this. In all truth and honesty, semi-employed-cum-student me should still be sleeping on my cozy bed (not four-poster, dammit) until, say, around 10 to 10:30 today. But no. It's a minute before seven am and I am bloody awake. Since early dawn, there have been too many things on my mind...too many thoughts preventing me from sleeping as soundly as I should be. Too many things...and they're not even about Japanese. I wish they could have been about Japanese...then at least I know I'll have proof that I've been studying, because I -have- been studying. I've been studying so dizzyingly since last week. And yet it seems like nothing's getting through my pretty little mind. I can't seem to remember -anything- I've been studying. I've been trying to memorize a lot of stuff...and IT'S NOT WORKING, dammit. I've been reading them, but...sometimes my mind wanders off to a lot of different places. And that's preventing me from focusing. And that's not good at all. I worry. I worry a -lot- about many things. And lately, seems like there's nothing that I want to do. I want to give up a lot of things which I haven't even started much on.

I think about my English teaching sessions. I haven't had one in quite a long while, and frankly...I don't even know if I -still- want to teach. I've been degraded so much by those Japanese men because of their dislike for my contact lenses that I don't even want to face them anymore. I don't want to see them. I want a new student who doesn't know me, who hasn't seen me, and who has nothing (as of yet) against my contacts. My contacts are a part of me, dammit, and if they can't accept that...they can't accept me. And that's the biggest hurdle I can't tell my sensei right now. I don't want to teach that...man anymore because he doesn't like my contacts. How trivial. How very trivial, especially since I've been warned at the onset that Japanese men do -not- like colored contacts. It's my own fault, really. But dammit, it's really not my contacts that are important, it's -me- and what I'm teaching them. What they'll be learning from me. That's what's important, right?

So, bottom line is...I don't want to teach anymore. Not if I'm going to get the same student who rejected my contacts. And not if I'm going to get that same student who probably won't be able to come early not even if his life depended on it. I have no patience with those kinds of people. I -hate- those kinds of people. They have no right to be demanding when they themselves can't even go by protocol. It's honestly infuriating, sometimes. I'll be infuriated if I had the ability to -be- infuriated, but...fury's just not me. Anger's not me. So...yeah. I hate those kinds of people. And I don't want to deal with them anymore. People can say that I've given up when I haven't even gone past middle, but I don't care. I'm tired. I don't want to do it anymore. But the question is: how do I tell them? How do I tell my parents? I mean, this teaching thing is the closest thing I have for an employment...the one thing that's preventing me from calling myself an unemployed useless bum. Can I really just give it up like that?

Maybe I'll apply in a call center to get a job.>_< Yeah, right. As if I really would.

I think about my writing. My fanfic writing. I think I've been trying to do too much. Twice a week of update is quite a toll on me. I never did that on AFGM, and...I don't know...maybe I shouldn't be doing it with these other stories. They're suffering because of my extreme...desire to finish the stories as fast as I can. Maybe I should stick again to the once a week thing like before. The quality of my chapters are going down the drain, and I hate it. I think I'll go back to the once a week thing. I mean, I look at all my previous writings and I'm like...wow. These are SO GOOD. And when I compare them with my recent (Navy and Azure), my previous writings are way -up- there, and my recent...sucked like any, plain as day. Maybe I need a break on it. Maybe I need to refresh myself with reading. I'm losing words. I have no inspiration for the story. I feel...nothing every time I write it. It's like I need lots of willpower just to get it out. It seriously sucks.

Maybe it's just me. Or maybe I just don't have the inspiration for that particular story. I mean, I -never- felt that way at any time when I was writing Venice. I totally enjoyed writing Venice...up to the lime-ish lemonish outtakes. I totally enjoyed writing those, too. Or maybe (as I've suspected for quite a while now) the reason why I can't seem to get inspired for Navy is because...I'm too freaking obsessed with LXJ and Venice? I don't know. But the thing is, I've been trying to get rid of my fixation for a long time. It's been more than a week since I've finished Venice and I -should- have gotten over it...should have...but I still have residues of it up here in my mind. Post-epilogue stories. Future stories for it. Plenty more Hao-Lyserg conversations. Plenty more Lyserg-Jeanne love scenes. Yeah, lots of those hovering in my mind. Not that I don't appreciate the inspiration...but they're getting annoying, especially since I've been trying badly to get inspired with -something- else other than LXJ.

I'm thinking if maybe I might have overdone Jeanne's character a little bit. She's -too- loving and eager for love in my stories...and I'm seriously wondering if that's really, genuinely her...or if I might just be trying to live myself through her.*shrug* Well, I'm really not sure. Maybe I -am- trying to live myself through her stories...because really, that's about all I can do. But well...my explanations for Jeanne's total surrender to love and eagerness in loving and making love to Lyserg *wink* is this: repression. Having been Iron Maiden Jeanne, and having been a nun-in-training for quite a while, she's never been allowed to express her feelings when it came to wants, needs and desires ever since she was a child. It's only later when she grows up and is no longer Iron Maiden anymore that she sort of becomes allowed to express herself...and Jeanne's just like your normal young woman in a lot of ways. Somehow or other, in my LXJ stories I've tried to illustrate a Jeanne who's no longer the X-LAWS leader--a Jeanne without the limitation or repression that her former position (or work) gave her. A tough, commanding Jeanne who just happens to be a little *too* fond of one of her former comrades...and later, that fondness turned into something far more: love that was so intense, it was almost indecent--if I were to quote Caesar.

Hm. I guess this is the reason why I like writing what I think. A minute ago I was doubtful of my portrayal of Jeanne's character, now I've managed to convince myself that my portrayal was logical. Well, that certainly takes one problem out of my mind.

I'm still not entirely sure if I'll be able to get inspiration for Navy in the next couple of days. I'm hoping and praying that I -will- be, if only to satisfy myself with finishing at least one chapter per week. I might have to change that notice up on my profile.

I really don't want to teach those Japanese anymore. But I don't want to quit. My sensei's only got me left, because Dawn's giving up, and that other teacher crossed over to her province. I wish she can get a new person hired soon. I don't want to teach that guy who rejected my contacts anymore. I don't want to see him.

Dammit, in a couple of days I'll only have a MONTH FLAT to study for the Level 3 proficiency exam. I still have LOTS of studying to do. Lots of things to memorize and understand. Lots and lots. Damn.

Oh, yes. I was going to request my teacher if I can take a leave from that teaching this month so I can study for the proficiency exam. I'm going to have to convince them. I need this whole month for studying. I need it.

And besides, I really don't want to see that freaking Japanese anymore...