I'm Losing My Touch


I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. I mean, as in REALLY thinking. I don't have much to do, and I usually think at those times. But recently, it's becoming too much. I mean, the thinking. I'm getting tired of thinking...about many things. Fanfics, my high school friends, my college friends, my net friends and email pals, my fic reviewers, the plagiarizers, my work, my student(s) my jap teacher and my jap teacher's assistants, my family, Anime...there are WAYY too many things that occupy my mind, and it JUST GETS SO TIRING sometimes. This is one of those times.

But still, I can't help it. I don't know why. I just do. Perhaps it's because I think more often than I speak. I'm not a very vocal person...never was and probably never will be. But I'm just so SICK of it. I really am.

I was in Church earlier this afternoon (It's Sunday, and I'm Catholic) and although I was physically at Mass, my mind was elsewhere. My mind was on Hao-sama...and a lot of people.

I keep on thinking if I should post the first chapter of this LXJ Celebrations side story I'm writing. It's only about 18k, and frankly, I don't think it's very good. It isn't exactly bad...just really, really weird. I'm honestly afraid of rejection. I'm afraid the readers won't like it much. I don't know. I'm afraid that the readers will end up disappointed that this is what my LXJ for Celebrations was. I mean, they MAY be expecting something else...some other story. I can't give them another story. It would very boring to tell them what happened to these two right AFTER they hooked up in Celebrations. In the after, Marco isn't even a threat anymore, while in the Post-Celebrations, he's VERY much a threat.

Truthfully? I was quite dissatisfied (not really dissappointed) with the way Lyserg and Jeanne's story ended up in Celebrations. I don't think how it came out jived in well with my initial plans...ALTHOUGH what happened was really close...still, I wasn't satisfied. I think I might have lost certain parts of what was really supposed to happen somewhere along the way (it had been in my mind two months ago). I don't really know.

Or...their story might have been overpowered by Ren and Pilica's. I don't know.

I'm really, seriously NEVER ever gonna write a multi-character-centric fic ever again. Or a multi-couple-centric fic. It's hard because you always have to make sure you don't leave anyone out, and it's more DIFFICULT because...I'm human. I FEEL things. And when I write the scenes in the fic, I pour my heart into them to the point of obsession. I really do. And when that happens, I get this certain fixation for a particular couple at a particular moment.

I don't know if it would've done me good to actually separate all the couple scenes into different chapters. I didn't wanna do that...it would lose the whole point of making it unified. But I think in wanting to make the whole thing unified...I managed to neglect a lot of things. In certain chapters, I tend to get...engrossed on one couple over another...and I think that was what might have happened to me in Celebrations. I focused too much on Ren and Pilica and ended up making it bad for Lyserg and Jeanne.

Although...one of my favorite scenes in the Epilogue is the LysergXJeanne scene (scenes; they extended until Manta's scene). I think it might have been too late when I got my momentum back. I should have gotten them back at the onset of Chapter 8...but I got them back on the Epilogue.>_< It...sucks, kind of.

I realize now that...NONE of the chapters in Celebrations suck...more like some are a bit disappointing. I'm disappointed with myself in some of the scenes, especially in the later chapters (sans the Epilogue; I LOVE the Epilogue to bits). Sometimes the chapter ended up long because I put in some scenes that are maybe not necessary but I felt was really necessary at that time. Sometimes I get too wordy. Sometimes I got too repetitive. Either way, there are a lot of "I shouldn't have done's" in the later chapters of Celebrations.

On the whole, though. I was proud of myself for having been able to finish this fic project, and having been able to make a lot of people happy in the process. Although I've lost some readers, I've gained some, as well. And there are those who kept on reviewing consistently and liked the whole thing all throughout. And then there are those who don't review consistently but liked it all anyways...and have told me so in a long, long review. I don't know if I might have gained a following because of this fic, but...*shrug* I don't know. I wonder if I'll lose some readers during the LXJ side story...?

I've been thinking...I wonder if I should take a little break first before I write more of those Side Stories? Maybe it will do me good. But then again...what would I do then? How will I make myself busy if I don't write...?

Oh, yeah...the jap level 3 exam is in TWO months.*shiver* I still have a LOT of things to study. Yeah, that's a good idea. I'll just study.

I think I'll take a week-long break from fanfics...

Hmm...but what about tha LXJ, though...? I wonder if I'll post it tomorrow.

Hmm...I'll sleep on it. Maybe I'll get enlightened. I sure hope so.

I wonder if Ate Syao liked "The Wedding." If she didn't, it doesn't matter. I don't like it much. I'm getting a little too fixated with the Celebrations time line. The Hao in "The Wedding" is my Hao in Celebrations...hm. There isn't much HaoXAnna either.>_< I just don't have the power to write that couple...HaoXApple...now, THAT one I might be able to write.^_^