Lots of Things

Well.

I just got back home after watching this "best friend" movie with my sister. I thought I was gonna end up making fun of her all throughout for crying, but to my surprise...I was the one who cried. Not at all the bits, mind you--it was half and half a comedy--but some of the scenes really went right to my heart. I don't know why. I can't understand why. I mean, I've never been in that situation before. I couldn't relate to it at ALL. But somehow, I ended up getting teary-eyed. Why?

In the movie, the hero's father died of cancer, and that made me think of my mother. She recently got this lump removed from her breast, and it seems that the findings show that it was a rare kind of cancer which doesn't have much background yet. I was a bit surprised...she has never shown any of the symptoms they have indicated for the cancer (I'm not sure what it's called). The weird thing, too, was the fact that the doctors don't even know yet WHERE in my mom's body the cancer was located.

The first time I heard the news...I didn't cry. I mean, not a single tear. I didn't even feel any pain whatsoever in my heart--like you know, tightenings, constrictions, or anything like that. I just took it all in stride. It's really strange. Am I an unfeeling and uncaring person? I don't know. I mean, although I get angry at her a lot, she's still my mother, and I love her as much as I love my whole family (my dog Omi included). But I don't feel the sadness. I don't feel any pain.

Maybe what my mother said yesterday was true. I wasn't my sister. My sister cried the minute she found out that our mom had cancer. And I mean, really cried. This is one of those times when I wish I was more like her than more like me. I wish I could be more expressive in my emotions. Or maybe...this really is as far as I can go with emotions. I don't know. Maybe it really is my nature to take everything in stride--even serious and sad matters like life and death. I don't know.

I'm confused, though. I mean, speaking like a true realist...and putting it bluntly (I highly doubt if ANYBODY is as blunt as I am), my mother can die anytime...and, well...I don't know. I honestly don't know what I'm going to feel when that time comes. I mean, I've encountered two deaths in my family already, for crying out loud (my grandmother and grandfather on my mom's side) and even though I was so close to the both of them...I never cried. Not even when everyone else was crying. Not even when I should have. I don't know if it's because my aunt kept telling jokes all throughout the whole funeral ceremony...or if it's just really me. I'm just really unfeeling, uncaring, unemotional, and callous. I don't know.

One thing's for sure--I KNOW I love a lot of people. Maybe this is just the way cynics deal with things. I'm a cynic--yes, I admit that. I have the tendency to analyze and overanalyze virtually anything in and out of the face of this earth. Maybe it's because of that. I don't know.

I got a call earlier this morning from my Japanese teacher's assistant. She says I was to take a break from teaching those two Japanese executives mainly because...get this: they didn't like my contacts. YES, MY CONTACTS. I mean, how shallow can you get? I mean, they're not even THAT old, for crying out loud! They should be used to these kinds of things by now. Just so you know--I'm wearing a pair of violet contact lenses with 4.00 grade. I CAN'T take them off, else I'm as good as blind. My glasses don't help because they're about a frequency lower (3.00 I think) and it doesn't help when I go to work...I can't really see very far away, and I absolutely positively NEED to see far away. And yep, I was told that it wasn't ME they didn't like personally--just my contacts. Tch. Go figure.

Well, I don't really know about that, but if THEY don't like my contacts, for me, then BY GOD they sure as HELL don't like ME. I mean, my contacts have become part of who I am as a person--they're MY EYES, for godsakes! I mean, I teach them ENGLISH, not some kind of vision exercises or whatever! If they don't like my contacts, can't they just NOT look me in the EYE? Tch. I don't know. Closed-minded freaks.

So yes, I'm taking a break from teaching those freaking executives English. I've only been teaching for TWO meetings and I'm already getting as good as sacked. Isn't that great? As for me, I still think it's their loss if they're gonna lay me off just because of something as trifle as contact lenses. They can never get a better English teacher than me...except maybe for Dawn, but other than her, no one else is better than me when it comes to English. No one.

Yes, that has successfully lightened my mood and cleared out my head. I gotta do this more often. Till next.