Restless.

Well.

It's a little bit -too- early for me to be doing this. In all truth and honesty, semi-employed-cum-student me should still be sleeping on my cozy bed (not four-poster, dammit) until, say, around 10 to 10:30 today. But no. It's a minute before seven am and I am bloody awake. Since early dawn, there have been too many things on my mind...too many thoughts preventing me from sleeping as soundly as I should be. Too many things...and they're not even about Japanese. I wish they could have been about Japanese...then at least I know I'll have proof that I've been studying, because I -have- been studying. I've been studying so dizzyingly since last week. And yet it seems like nothing's getting through my pretty little mind. I can't seem to remember -anything- I've been studying. I've been trying to memorize a lot of stuff...and IT'S NOT WORKING, dammit. I've been reading them, but...sometimes my mind wanders off to a lot of different places. And that's preventing me from focusing. And that's not good at all. I worry. I worry a -lot- about many things. And lately, seems like there's nothing that I want to do. I want to give up a lot of things which I haven't even started much on.

I think about my English teaching sessions. I haven't had one in quite a long while, and frankly...I don't even know if I -still- want to teach. I've been degraded so much by those Japanese men because of their dislike for my contact lenses that I don't even want to face them anymore. I don't want to see them. I want a new student who doesn't know me, who hasn't seen me, and who has nothing (as of yet) against my contacts. My contacts are a part of me, dammit, and if they can't accept that...they can't accept me. And that's the biggest hurdle I can't tell my sensei right now. I don't want to teach that...man anymore because he doesn't like my contacts. How trivial. How very trivial, especially since I've been warned at the onset that Japanese men do -not- like colored contacts. It's my own fault, really. But dammit, it's really not my contacts that are important, it's -me- and what I'm teaching them. What they'll be learning from me. That's what's important, right?

So, bottom line is...I don't want to teach anymore. Not if I'm going to get the same student who rejected my contacts. And not if I'm going to get that same student who probably won't be able to come early not even if his life depended on it. I have no patience with those kinds of people. I -hate- those kinds of people. They have no right to be demanding when they themselves can't even go by protocol. It's honestly infuriating, sometimes. I'll be infuriated if I had the ability to -be- infuriated, but...fury's just not me. Anger's not me. So...yeah. I hate those kinds of people. And I don't want to deal with them anymore. People can say that I've given up when I haven't even gone past middle, but I don't care. I'm tired. I don't want to do it anymore. But the question is: how do I tell them? How do I tell my parents? I mean, this teaching thing is the closest thing I have for an employment...the one thing that's preventing me from calling myself an unemployed useless bum. Can I really just give it up like that?

Maybe I'll apply in a call center to get a job.>_< Yeah, right. As if I really would.

I think about my writing. My fanfic writing. I think I've been trying to do too much. Twice a week of update is quite a toll on me. I never did that on AFGM, and...I don't know...maybe I shouldn't be doing it with these other stories. They're suffering because of my extreme...desire to finish the stories as fast as I can. Maybe I should stick again to the once a week thing like before. The quality of my chapters are going down the drain, and I hate it. I think I'll go back to the once a week thing. I mean, I look at all my previous writings and I'm like...wow. These are SO GOOD. And when I compare them with my recent (Navy and Azure), my previous writings are way -up- there, and my recent...sucked like any, plain as day. Maybe I need a break on it. Maybe I need to refresh myself with reading. I'm losing words. I have no inspiration for the story. I feel...nothing every time I write it. It's like I need lots of willpower just to get it out. It seriously sucks.

Maybe it's just me. Or maybe I just don't have the inspiration for that particular story. I mean, I -never- felt that way at any time when I was writing Venice. I totally enjoyed writing Venice...up to the lime-ish lemonish outtakes. I totally enjoyed writing those, too. Or maybe (as I've suspected for quite a while now) the reason why I can't seem to get inspired for Navy is because...I'm too freaking obsessed with LXJ and Venice? I don't know. But the thing is, I've been trying to get rid of my fixation for a long time. It's been more than a week since I've finished Venice and I -should- have gotten over it...should have...but I still have residues of it up here in my mind. Post-epilogue stories. Future stories for it. Plenty more Hao-Lyserg conversations. Plenty more Lyserg-Jeanne love scenes. Yeah, lots of those hovering in my mind. Not that I don't appreciate the inspiration...but they're getting annoying, especially since I've been trying badly to get inspired with -something- else other than LXJ.

I'm thinking if maybe I might have overdone Jeanne's character a little bit. She's -too- loving and eager for love in my stories...and I'm seriously wondering if that's really, genuinely her...or if I might just be trying to live myself through her.*shrug* Well, I'm really not sure. Maybe I -am- trying to live myself through her stories...because really, that's about all I can do. But well...my explanations for Jeanne's total surrender to love and eagerness in loving and making love to Lyserg *wink* is this: repression. Having been Iron Maiden Jeanne, and having been a nun-in-training for quite a while, she's never been allowed to express her feelings when it came to wants, needs and desires ever since she was a child. It's only later when she grows up and is no longer Iron Maiden anymore that she sort of becomes allowed to express herself...and Jeanne's just like your normal young woman in a lot of ways. Somehow or other, in my LXJ stories I've tried to illustrate a Jeanne who's no longer the X-LAWS leader--a Jeanne without the limitation or repression that her former position (or work) gave her. A tough, commanding Jeanne who just happens to be a little *too* fond of one of her former comrades...and later, that fondness turned into something far more: love that was so intense, it was almost indecent--if I were to quote Caesar.

Hm. I guess this is the reason why I like writing what I think. A minute ago I was doubtful of my portrayal of Jeanne's character, now I've managed to convince myself that my portrayal was logical. Well, that certainly takes one problem out of my mind.

I'm still not entirely sure if I'll be able to get inspiration for Navy in the next couple of days. I'm hoping and praying that I -will- be, if only to satisfy myself with finishing at least one chapter per week. I might have to change that notice up on my profile.

I really don't want to teach those Japanese anymore. But I don't want to quit. My sensei's only got me left, because Dawn's giving up, and that other teacher crossed over to her province. I wish she can get a new person hired soon. I don't want to teach that guy who rejected my contacts anymore. I don't want to see him.

Dammit, in a couple of days I'll only have a MONTH FLAT to study for the Level 3 proficiency exam. I still have LOTS of studying to do. Lots of things to memorize and understand. Lots and lots. Damn.

Oh, yes. I was going to request my teacher if I can take a leave from that teaching this month so I can study for the proficiency exam. I'm going to have to convince them. I need this whole month for studying. I need it.

And besides, I really don't want to see that freaking Japanese anymore...