Gotterdammerung.

Translated, this word means something like, "great tragedy." I'm using this word partly in honor of the Super Ferry IV that burned and sank (half-sank, really) just recently, and partly in honor of my learning a new English word. Gotterdammerung is actually German, adopted into the English language, like many others before and after it. I got this from a book which is increasingly becoming one of my favorites, called "How to Build A Better Vocabulary." Yes, yes, I know, I -am- a geek (self-confessed), but the book is very interesting. I never even knew that "mesmerize" actually came from a person's name (someone named Mesmer, I believe) until I read it. And there are tons of othe really interesting words besides. I can certainly use more words, since I plan never to stop writing no matter where life takes me. Writing stimulates my brain, and my brain could always use more stimulating.

So, what else...ah. Yesterday was February 29, a leap year--and Omi's 24th birthday, to boot.^^ It gives me pleasure to know that at least, as I grow, all my favorite anime characters grow with me. Most of them, at least. Ren's now 18, and Pilica just turned 17 some weeks ago, and tomorrow, Jeanne's going to be...14. In May, Yoh and Hao will be turning 19, and Lyserg will be 18 just like Ren. Good to know that everyone's maturing, at least, technically.

Speaking of Omi (first), I haven't done much writing for several months on A Few Good Men, and I really want to. Although I know now that it's Mary Sue-ish (according to Nitpicker's definition of Mary Sue and that on Writers' University), I don't plan on giving it up. I've got something good mapped up, I know I do. Lots of people have told me so as well. And something good is not worth giving up for, just because it's...Mary-Sue-ish. And besides, nobody actually cares. My readers like it, in spite of the existence of Futora (or maybe because of it...she's quite a character). So yeah. I plan on finishing Chapter 6 sometime soon...maybe at the end of Navy and Azure and the subsequent side stories. Which means, sometime in April. Maybe.

Speaking of Ren and Pilica (second), I've finished the Epilogue for Navy and Azure some weeks ago, and although I do think there might still be a couple of kinks here and there, and some weird stuff someplace, I believe it's already along the lines of...good, and worth posting. And I -will- be posting it...soon. Right now, my goal is March 2--Jeanne's birthday, which means, I need to finish up the two lemon side fics I promised by...late tomorrow. And I will try to finish them. The main thing is I won't be posting the Epilogue unless I finish the lemon side fics. And since I haven't posted for a month (the longest for me...in SK, at least), I have to do that soon. And rest assured, I -will- try.

Speaking of Jeanne (third) there's something weird cooking up in my brain...some new stuff for LXJ (and a bit of LXS, too--honeymoon scene^~). It details preparations for their wedding, and some lemonish side scenes during their dates. Honestly, I don't know what it is with the two of them. I've never been -this- obsessed with any pairing before. Anyway, these scenes might go in with Prelude to Destiny, so they're not gonna be useless. At least, if I get to write them. As for the LXS honeymoon scene--I might add this up to my list of SK smut side fics, something new for Reen, to make up for the lateness of the one she requested.

Speaking of Reen, that gets me to thinking about...a little testimonial I wrote for someone, which I don't mean in an offensive way, but sadly might have come out offensive. I'm not sure. While I was writing that, I was just thinking that, she knows my humor, and she knows how crude and sick we can get with each other, so she wasn't going to take it seriously...at least, I hoped. I carelessly sent the file, without even reviewing what cruel content I might have managed to concoct somewhere in my hastiness. Hopefully she isn't going to hate me for what I wrote--because I meant it all as a nice, friendly joke. But I do know, sometimes I can be cruel and tactless...I certainly hope -that- wasn't one of those tactless times.

For the record, it's not Reen, but someone we both know. Will not go into detail with the name here.

Speaking of that, something someone in a mailing list kinda made me think: a little dare about an AU SK Prom fic. My mind has been whipping up something of that sorts for everyone for a week, and maybe I can get it written up sometime, hopefully this week.

Tomorrow, I'll be writing another entry--a review for the ending of Final Fantasy X, which I finally saw early Sunday morning (around 1:30 am). A review of sorts for the ending, as well as the boss fights before it. Yeah. For tomorrow.

Current Mood: Excited (The Academy Awards is airing tomorrow morning, 10am. Or later this morning, rather).
Current Music: I Love You More Today Than Yesterday (but not as much as tomorrow...? Forgot the title. Is that it?).

Sucks.

There's a problem with my PC at home...something quite major when it comes to me. For some reason, it refuses to check my emails and refuses to let me upload or fill out forms. I don't know why. But the thing is, I CAN SURF. I mean it.

Sometimes, when it gets temperamental (semi-nice), it lets me do my uploading and emailing. But mostly, it just sits there and goes into error mode whenever I check my email. I've checked my PC all throughout and I know it's not the OS's problem. It might be the modem, although I don't know how the hell that could possibly be. I mean, I can surf, I can read stories and such. How can it be the modem?

I think I'd better ask my brother about this.

Yeah.

Meanwhile...I'm giving myself until sometime next week to finish Distractions and Disturbances and What Detectives Do After A Case. I'm itching to post the Navy Epilogue. I don't know if I've polished it to it's finest, but I'm getting tired of seeing it unposted. It's been done for a whole week now.

Anyway, it's there. So I'll just have to motivate myself in writing those lemons. Thing is, everytime I try to work on them, I end up working on something else. Like last night. I got the Hao-seduces-Jeanne sex scene written up (I've written the Lyserg-seduces-Jeanne sex scene already, last week I think). I'm not posting it here. I'm waiting until I finish the next few parts of seduction. It's going to be so much fun.^^

Current Mood: Nervous (Sae Kurosawa creeps me out...and those Kiryu twins *shudder*)
Current Music: Fatal Frame II Theme (when you save)

Pissed.
There's something WRONG with FF.NET lately. It's been fooling with my fic format. I suppose that would be alright, but the thing is, it's DESTROYING my fics' perfectly good formatting. I mean it. If you check out my fics (all of them), some parts seriously lack much-needed paragraph breaks, and Obsessive Compulsive little me HATES that. I truly do.

But like, HELLO? I'm not about to waste my precious time reformatting and uploading and re-uploading my previous fics just to comply with ff.net's stripping policy. But I really hate seeing my fics in that state. I like them to look good, as well as be good when it's read. And I mean, I hate reading fics with crappy formatting! Now it's happening to me.

I am pissed.

To console myself, here's a little mini-fic that I've cooked up long ago. It's supposed to be a part of Navy and Azure, but it didn't fit anywhere, so...here.

***

Ren glared at Horo-horo. Horo-horo glared at Ren.

Silence reigned at the dining hall of the Asakura household as the two of them regarded each other steely for a good couple of minutes.

Everyone's eyes were on them. Right across the table from Horo-horo, Asakura Yoh was trying very hard to restrain his wife, who was in danger of bursting at any moment. It should be noted that as of current, Asakura Anna was five months pregnant, and even in her state, it was obvious that she would not hesitate to disembowel both Ren and Horo-horo and throw them unceremoniously out of the house if they get too annoying, regardless if it was the Ainu young man's eighteenth birthday (as, incidentally, it was). Anyway, the current tension between the two young men was annoying Anna to bits and pieces. If you were smart, then you would know that it is not safe at all to get a pregnant woman annoyed.

Especially if the pregnant woman happens to be the infamous Ice Queen Asakura Anna.

Getting her annoyed was like planning one's own suicide, especially if you are a man...as Horo and Ren evidently are. But obviously, neither of the two had any plans whatsoever of backing down from their glares. What exactly are they fighting about, anyway?

"That's MY cheesecake." Ren.

"It's MY birthday!" Horo-horo.

"So? You've already had TWO WHOLE pies. I haven't eaten any yet. This is MINE."

"I saw it FIRST!"

"No you DIDN'T! -I- saw it FIRST!"

"Well I TOUCHED it FIRST!"

"TOUCH it? Yeah right." A sarcastic laugh. "How could you have touched it first when it's right in FRONT of ME?"

"Right in front of YOU? It's right in front of ME!"

"No it's NOT!" Ren tapped the table. "It's on MY side of the table, LOOK!"

"How can it be on YOUR side of the table when it's right in the CENTER?"

"It's NOT! Three-fourths of it is on MY side!"

Meanwhile, at Horo-horo's right side, Pilica exchanged a look with Tao Jun beside her and sighed helplessly. "This could go on forever..."

"It could." Jun agreed cheerfully. "But it won't...not if we have anything to say about it."

Pilica sighed again. "I'm tired of this," she muttered. "Tamao-san...isn't there any more blueberry cheesecake left?"

"I'm sorry, that's...that's the last of it," Tamao replied hesitantly. "I guess maybe I should have baked half a dozen instead of just three pies..." A frown. "I didn't think that your brother would end up eating MOST of it."

"It's not your fault, it's Oniichan's," Pilica assured her. "He's a cheesecake monster and--" she paused abruptly as her brother stood up. "Oniichan, what are you--"

"YOU WANNA SETTLE THIS IN A DUEL?!?"

"DAMN STRAIGHT!" Ren stood up from the table and flashed Horo a challenging look. "...You'll never win against me. I'll get that cheesecake for sure!"

"NO YOU WON'T! IT'S MINE!" Horo yelled.

"I'm refereeing!" Hao, who had been sitting across from Ren at the table chirped cheerfully as he stood up and skipped towards the two fighting young men. "Let's do it!"

"Oniichan..." Yoh gave his twin a pleading look. "Stop encouraging them." He glanced furtively at his wife, who now had a dark, foreboding aura surrounding her whole being. He winced. He flashed the other three women a pleading look as well. "Please, do something."

Jun sighed with resignation and reluctantly stood up. "Ren, could you please--"

"NEESAN!" Ren called out to his sister. "Do NOT let that cheesecake out of your SIGHT! It's MINE!"

"PILICA! GUARD THAT CHEESECAKE WITH YOUR LIFE!" Horo shouted.

"Oniichan!" Pilica rolled her eyes to the ceiling. She looked over at the solitary slice of blueberry cheesecake that was left on the pie plate...and suddenly had an idea.

"Okay!" Hao clapped his hands together gleefully. "Let the fighting begin!" He produced a whistle from out of nowhere and blew it. "Ready...GO!"

"KURORO...IN...IKUPASU!"

"BASON...IN...HOU RAI KEN!"

"HEEY!" Horo-horo and Ren were about to attack each other when a loud shout stopped them. "YOU WERE FIGHTING OVER THIS, WEREN'T YOU?" Pilica smiled sweetly at the both of them and held up the dish with the slice of cheesecake in it. "WHAT IF I DO THIS..." Taking hold of a fork, she stabbed the blueberry cheesecake, raised the whole slice in the air...and popped the whole thing straight into her mouth.

"...NOOOO!!!!" Horo-horo's oversoul vanished, and he rushed back towards the table. He stared at the empty pie dish with horror. "Pilica...how COULD you do this to ME?" He moaned out, tears gushing out of his eyes. "My cheesecake...it's all GONE!" He sobbed.

Pilica rolled her eyes with exasperation and bonked her brother on the head. "Oniichan, you're overreacting," she told him, her mouth still full of cheesecake. She chewed several times, and then swallowed, before turning to the other participant of the fight. "...Ren-kun?"

"Hmph." Ren's oversoul had vanished as well, and he approached the table calmly. He glanced at the pie plate, and confirming that it was indeed, now empty, he shrugged. "Oh well..."

"Ah," Hao sighed mournfully as he settled back again on his seat. "I was really hoping for a nice little fight," he said with disappointment. "Well, at least that's a problem solved, ne, Otouto?" He grinned at his twin, then gave his sister-in-law a furtive glance. He heaved a sigh of relief upon noticing that she was starting to calm down.

"Oniichan, WHAT in the world am I going to do with you?" Yoh exhaled with exasperation. "...And you two, as well," he added, flashing a meaningful look at both Horo-horo and Ren.

"Don't talk to me," Horo-horo sniffed. He was still staring sadly at the empty pie dish. "This is the worst birthday I've ever had...and it's all because of my sister's traitorous actions and my friend's selfishness," he paused to glare darkly at Ren, then at his sister. "This is all YOUR fault. BOTH of YOU."

Ren and Pilica shrugged simultaneously. "It was the only thing I could think of doing to stop your fight," his sister said defensively.

"Hey, I WANTED that cheesecake too, you know," Ren pointed out.

"Then WHY aren't YOU complaining?" Hao inquired sweetly.

"I -am- complaining!" Ren protested. "But unlike HIM," he inclined his chin at Horo, "I do NOT overreact. And besides, it's just dessert. I can always have it some other time--"

"And since it was Pilica-chan who ate it, you don't mind at ALL, right?" Hao supplied with a wink.

"Yeah." Ren answered before he could stop himself. He could feel his face flaming at his very obvious admission. "I mean--"

"If it's any other person, you'll MIND, but if it's HER, it's fine...ne, Ren-kun?" Hao commented again with a teasing grin.

"Yeah." Ren fought the urge to rap his head on the wall as his tongue slipped...again. "I mean...STOP putting words into my mouth, dammit." He glared at the long-haired shaman.

"I'm not," Hao countered, smiling sweetly. "I am merely trying to elicit a couple of confessions from you...and it looks like I'm succeeding." He paused to smile at the young Ainu woman. "...Ne, Pilica-chan?"

"Huh? Uhm..." It was then that Ren noticed that her face was blushing beet red. His eyes followed her movements as she glanced furtively at her brother's direction. Her eyes swung around the room slowly...before they finally settled on him. For a few precious seconds, golden eyes regarded dark blue ones hesitantly and vice versa, searching for any sign of...something he couldn't quite pinpoint.

Before they could even get a chance to explore further, she looked away, and for some reason, he found himself doing the same thing. It was as if he was...afraid to explore whatever it was that was there. Afraid to find out what it was...that certain something that had always been there, but has only recently surfaced. Recently awakened by certain events, and things...weddings, garters, dances, thoughts, touches...and kisses.

What -was- it, exactly?

"Pilica-chan? You haven't answered my question," Hao's voice interrupted his thoughts.

"Uhm..." Pilica looked quite confused, and she was still blushing profusely. She gave Ren a bewildered look, before she hastily stood up. "Uhm...I'll just be out back. I need to get some fresh air." Then, she rushed out and disappeared.

"Ren-kun, you should follow her," Hao suggested, smiling sweetly at the Chinese shaman. He raised an eyebrow and glanced meaningfully at Horo-horo, who was still staring sadly at the empty pie dish and did not seem to have heard anything that had just transpired.

Ren rolled his eyes and sighed, reluctantly standing up and heading towards the direction where the young Ainu woman disappeared to. Hao didn't need to tell him. He had every intention of going after her.

***

Yep. That's my only consolation. I don't wanna reformat my fics, it would take too much time. I have too many chapters uploaded. This sucks.

Current Mood: Pissed.
Current Music: Toxic (it's got great lyrics, too).

Quizzes, etc.

Current Mood: Boggled (there's something wrong with the 45% so far of what I have written of the Navy Epilogue, I'm just not sure what it is)
Current Music: Toxic by Britney Spears (I don't like her much, but the song's pretty catchy)

I've taken a lot of quizzes in my whole net life; sadly, I hardly ever save any of the "proof" thingies showing my results. But what little I have saved of the URLs of those, I'll be placing in this entry. I've currently saved two. I'll be putting more soon.

Elrond...well. I suppose there's something good about that, though I've never thought of myself as the "Elrond" type. I think I'm more Gimli-ish, but obviously, this quiz says otherwise. Anyway, I do like Elrond...more so in the Tolkien books than in the movie, though. He didn't do much in the War of the Rings trilogy, but he was quite a character in the other books (Silmarillion and Unfinished Tales). He does exude wisdom and knowledge and strength and all that all throughout, so that's something good, I guess. Do I have wisdom? Weeelll...yes, if there's a "tooth" attached to it.^^;;; But the real thing? I'm not so sure.

Speaking of Rings...I'm rooting for ROTK in the Oscars, no matter how good they say the other movies are. ROTK should bag the award--they all deserve it. Peter Jackson deserves the best director award, too. David Wenham should get an award for longest, most protruding nose. Viggo Mortensen should get an award for being the oiliest. Orlando Bloom should get an award for having the best hairdo at all times. Lastly, John Rhys-Davies should get an award for being the funniest character in the movie. Well, him and Treebeard.^_^ I LOVE Treebeard.

And oh YEAH--Gollum. How can I forget. Andy Serkis is phenomenal as Gollum, he really is. I love the character to pieces. "Leave now and never come back." Hah. I love that line (wait, that was in The Two Towers...yeesh). Rather, "The preciousss will be oursss...the fat hobbitssesss knowsss..."


Hao's Pants - Lucky you! You've got STYLE! And the
best pants on the list! That's why they have a
shrine! All of Hao's powers secretly derive
from these awesome pants. Don't believe that
Great Spirit of Fire crap. HIROYUKI LIES.

Which Shaman King character's pants should YOU wear?
brought to you by Quizilla

Yeah...well. Hao's pants. I *wanted* Hao's pants badly, so I kind of chose the answers that led to...Hao's Pants.^^;;; Predictably what anyone who takes this quiz would do, I guess. There's something quite explicitly obvious about the choices in the quiz, that it doesn't really cut out as valid. Anyway, that's irrelevant, because this is just for fun. However, I would have liked to get into Lyserg or Ren's pants, too...I mean...*cough* I would have liked to have their pants as well. Yeah. That's what I meant.

Speaking of SK...here's a little bit of my notes for the Epilogue of Navy. I have a little problem with it, currently. It might take a while before I post it...like maybe this weekend, the earliest. Anyway, here it is:

*1. I like it and all, but there's something wrong with it...I'm just not sure what. Do a revision, probably tomorrow.
*2. The baby is born at 7 am Beijing time, 8 am Tokyo time, and 11:30pm (the day before) London time (Jeanne is with Lyserg at the mansion). I suck at computing time zones.
*3. Manta is at work (somewhere in North America, whereabouts unknown); Chocolove is probably at work as well (New York, 5:30 pm) so no calls. They don't need to call. I don't need to provide air time for them. Do I?

The first one is the worst of it all, though. The others I can add into the story. But knowing that there's something wrong with the way the story is without knowing -what- exactly is wrong...that's the worst. Hopefully I'll be able to solve this soon.

Anyhow, the surest thing is, I'll be posting this chapter side by side with the two smut side fics, which means, if I take too long in finishing those two, even if I have -this- finished, I won't be doing any posting. When everything as in EVERYTHING is done, that's when the posting will take place. I'm trying to make the juices flow (aarghh...not THOSE juices...cease, perverted mind, cease). Unfortunately, setting the mood is always the hardest, and that's my problem for the RXP lemonish side fic. Maybe I'll write the sex first...it's always the easiest.

But the thing is, I always write the mood along with the sex. At the same time. So without the mood, no sex.>_< Darn it.

Speaking of sex, I've thought a lot about Hao/Jeanne for the past couple of...days. And I seriously think I'll never be able to see them together in anything except really torrid, hot sex...love not included. I just don't see them doing it in any passionate or loving sort of way. I don't see Jeanne ever falling in love with Hao or whatever, and I don't see her as the soft little delicate thing that everyone seems to think she is. The soft, delicate fragile whatnot is just the exterior. Repeat: EXTERIOR. Looks can be deceiving, as it is with her. Underneath that...virginal aura she seems to exude to everyone, deep inside, she's tough, aggressive, seductive...what have you. Anna-like, though not as demonstrative. She's a little more subtle.

And yes, it is EXTREMELY possible that she would want to be leading when she and Lyserg are having sex. And honestly, I think Lyserg would enjoy it...just as Yoh enjoys having Anna dominate him. There's something quite...MANLY about being dominated by a woman, I'm just not sure what it is.

And if we talk about Ren...well...this guy is half-dominant, half-dominated. Pilica's exterior is something similar to that of Jeanne's, except that everyone knows exactly how she is--brutal, frank, firm, tough...and dominating. Well, depending on the person, at least. If it's her brother, a full domination can be expected when it comes to training and responsibilities and such, but when it comes to other things, ultimately, he is still her older brother, and he takes care of her much like a second father, meaning, extreme protectiveness, no matter how reluctant she is to accept it.
On the other hand, if it's Ren...the softness in her kicks in. There's just something about that guy which makes every woman want -him- to take care of -her-, if you know what I mean. There's something about him that can make a woman feel like a woman...and in some ways, Pilica is no exception. Despite the tough exterior she has, she still needs and wants protection...and not just any kind of protection, but...the kind that Ren can give. However, in the same manner, despite his extremely tough, unemotional facade, in reality, Ren is a lost little boy in need of a lot of protection, too....and a lot of love. And Pilica provides him with exactly that.

If we're talking about sex, these two would be half and half. There are times when Ren would want to be on top (and leading) as well as times when -he- would let Pilica be on top and leading...or else, she would demand it from him, and he would give in. Now if you're thinking that Ren would never let a woman dominate over him, ESPECIALLY in bed, you are dead wrong. I think he'd be open to the possibility. Besides, having the woman leading and on top is quite kinky and enjoyable.^_^

Horo and Tamao...I'm still thinking about this, but from what I know of Tamao, she wouldn't mind being dominated...and Horo wouldn't mind dominating over her. She's like the traditional delicate little perfect bride, and although that's not all who she is, well...she gives off that aura. Although I do believe she's only shy around Anna, Yoh, and the Asakura family. With other people, I think she's more...vocal and expressive. Still though, she grew up soft, and she will probably remain soft even when she turns, say, twenty-plus or so. I guess with her, the way she acts depends on who you are...but not to say that she's got different personalities...it's just that she deals with different kinds of people in different ways, which makes a lot of sense.

With Horo-horo...this guy is in need of protection, but a different kind of protection than what is typically thought--more exactly on the kind of protection Tamao can give. Pilica can only do so much to protect him this way (make sure he eats right, he's healthy and taken care of, that kind of thing). Horo is desperately in need of tender loving care that only Tamao...sweet, soft Tamao can give him. Although Pilica is capable of giving that kind of love, she couldn't very well give it to her brother now, could she? I mean, how incestuous is that?

As for Horo...well, we know what he can be to Tamao. It's no secret that she's desperately in love with Yoh, and I think even though she understands that Yoh and Anna are truly meant for each other, deep inside of her, she still keeps this little sparkling flicker of hope that one day, he'll return her feelings. She'll probably keep this vigil until she realizes it's for naught...when Yoh and Anna finally marry, that is. No matter how hard she tries to accept it all, she still gets her heart broken...and -this- is the ONLY possible time when Horo can come in.

The way I figured, once Yoh and Anna are married and once they have that Onsen business in the works, Tamao would still be around to help them out...and Horo, as Yoh's friend, would also be around...to feed off on the couple's kindness. Hence, that thing with the food (in Celebrations). For a little while, Tamao nurses her broken heart (in futility, because she feels the pain every time she sees Yoh and Anna together), and whilst she is doing that, here enters Horo-horo to demand food from her. Annoyance comes over Tamao, and Horo continues to demand food from her as the time passes by. In the end, she forgets all about her broken heart because of Horo-horo's tireless countless demands for food...but she doesn't realize it until years later. She fell hard and deep for Yoh, and because he never reciprocated her feelings, she almost crashed and burned...ALMOST...if it wasn't for Horo-horo. The weirdest thing of all was...if she hadn't thought about it all, she would never realize what he was able to do--that he had broken her fall and caught her just before she had hit the ground, and in the most unlikely way--through annoying her. Theirs would certainly be an example of love being like a wildflower--that it blooms in the strangest places, and in the strangest of situations.^_^

Well, what do you know, I've formed the plot of my HoroXTamao side story. I'm sure Yuri would be pleased.^^

I still don't have a title. Anyway, here are my title options:

1. Forget-me-Nots and Roses (my tentative as of late; it's kinda long)
2. Crash and Burn (uh...a song title?)
3. Wild Flowers (eww, sounds too girly)
4. Someone to Catch Me (more like a title chapter)
5. Questions and Answers (sounds like an SAT book)
6. Fortunes, Fate, and the Future (sounds good. kinda longer than the first one, though)

Here's a little chapter/title sketch thing I cooked up:

Forget-Me-Nots and Roses. [Questions and Answers.] [Fortunes, Fate, and the Future.]

Prologue: The Prediction  [Will it Happen?]  [Maybe, Maybe Not.]
Chapter 1: The Journey Starts [Where Are We?]  [Right Here.]
Chapter 2: Happiness Blooms  [What is Happiness?]  [You Are.]
Chapter 3: The Withering Flower  [Why?]  [I Don't Know.]
Chapter 4: Awakening Storm  [What Does it All Mean?]  [I'm Not Sure.]
Chapter 5: Memories of Her  [How Can I Tell Her?]  [Just Tell Her.]
Chapter 6: His Plea  [Do You Love Me?]  [I Do.]
Chapter 7: An Unexpected Visit  [What is Love?]  [Love is You.]
Epilogue: The Future Begins  [If I Fall, Will You Catch Me?]  [Yes.]

Umm...I think I'll still go with the first one (and the first column) for now. Until I think of something better.

Current Mood: Same as above
Current Music: Girlfriend by Justin Timberlake (stupid goddamn neighbors)

Prelude to Destiny: Accidental Lemon Scene

I was writing the sketch to "Prelude" some couple of days ago (actually copying off some stuff I wrote in paper before to the PC) when somehow or other, I ended up writing a little lemonish limeish scene for Jeanne and Lyserg again.*shrug* They seem to be the favorite subject of my muse's hentai side. Go figure.

Anyhow, the scene here starts with Lyserg entering the Missionary House with Luc. This is sometime after Chapter 10 of Celebrations. Jeanne and Lyserg are home fresh from Tokyo. Lyserg actually just came from the Missionary House a couple of hours ago (before this scene), but when he got to the detective agency, Luc dragged him to the Missionary house without his consent. He wanted to see Sarah, and he really had no excuse to go to the Missionary unless he was with Lyserg (because of Lyserg's "special" relationship with Jeanne). So yeah, the two men enter the missionary house, and they find Sarah there. Her face colors quite prettily when she sees Luc...and he gently takes her arm and walks her to one side so they could talk, leaving Lyserg on his own. This is where my little scenish scene starts:

A yawning Lyserg watched them(Sarah and Luc) absently as he walked around. He headed off subconsciously to the entrance of the living quarters...and found Jeanne heading down the stairs. She had changed her clothes (from the light pink closed-necked long dress to a fluttery white short-sleeved dress with a scooped neck) and she looked sleepy, but she smiled brightly upon seeing him.

"What are you doing here?" Her face flushed slightly.

He shrugged, then grinned. "Luc dragged me here. Not that I'm complaining..." he watched her closely. "Did you sleep well?"

She yawned. "A little bit," she answered. "But I just had to come down already. I still need to do some work. This jet lag can wait..." She walked slowly towards the archives room. She stood in front of a table, picked up a pen, and started flipping through some records, yawning ocassionally.

He observed her with amusement as he leaned by the door of the room, then he approached her, and wrapped his arms around her waist.

She chuckled softly and leaned against him, but she continued flipping through the papers and noting some information down.

He peered down curiously at what she was doing, and then he kissed her nape. "What's that for?" He breathed against her skin.

She sighed with pleasure as she unconsciously angled her neck to give him better access. "Just something for the latest activities of the...Church..." Her eyes fluttered close as his warm lips traveled from her neck to her ear, then to her cheek. She shifted her head slightly just as his mouth moved forward to touch hers.

A surge of pleasure spread from her head down to the tips of her toes as he leaned her against the table, with soft kisses coaxing her mouth open, and when it did, he slid his tongue inside to mate with hers. Moaning with complete surrender, she turned around completely and slid her arms around his neck, pulling his head down towards her, deepening their kiss, her tongue tangling with his, tasting him with as much hunger and urgency as he was doing to her. His hands traveled from the small of her back to her front, roving all over her body like he couldn't get enough of her, caressing each and every single inch of her worshipfully, making her burn with a fever even through the confines of her clothes. Every inch of her sprang to life at his touches.

Not to be undone, she slid one of her hands down the front of his shirt and hastily dispensed the top buttons. She slipped her hand inside his shirt, savoring the feel of his perfectly toned and well-muscled chest just as his hands slid underneath her dress, his palms swiftly covering her naked breasts. She cried out with ecstasy as his thumbs rubbed across her nipples, hardening them into little buds of desire ready for his mouth to devour, while his hands continuously caressed the soft, creamy swells, practically driving her to the brink of madness.

She whimpered with loss as he tore his mouth from hers, but that soon turned into sighs of pleasure as he began kissing his way down from her chin, to her neck, to her throat, and to her collarbone. And then, he tugged the front of her dress down, baring her breasts to his view, the white, alabaster skin just begging for more of his touch, and the tight, pink nipples extremely flushed with need. Unwilling to wait any longer, she pulled his head down to her breasts, and he obliged most willingly, covering her right nipple with his mouth while his hand stroked the other. He began to suckle, making her cry out his name over and over again. Then, he shifted his positions and ministered the same undivided attention to the other one.

All throughout this, she continued to moan and shift restlessly in his arms. Lyserg raised his head up, savoring her half-naked magnificence as he slid his hand down to her thigh. "Jeanne...open your eyes," he whispered.

Her eyes fluttered open, and she looked down at him. "Lyserg...what are you...ahhh...!" She threw her head back and uttered a soft cry of pleasure as his seeking hand pushed aside her undergarment, enough to reach the heated core of her desire...the haven that he desired most in the entire planet. His fingers thrust up deep inside her, then withdrew, only to enter again and again, until she was arching up against him and begging him to give it all to her. "Please...don't...stop...ahh..."

He watched the expression on her face as she shattered into a million pieces, her climax coming over her, washing over his fingers. He continued to caress her even as her tight walls surrounded him again and again. He would never get enough of her moans of pleasure, and he would never ever tire of seeing her face in such an ethereal, and pure, unadulterated expression of ecstasy.

And then, she opened her eyes again and gazed at him, her face extremely flushed, her lips swollen from his kisses, and her chest heaving up and down. "That was unbelievable," she whispered breathlessly.

He gave her a cocky grin. "I know."

"Still..." her lips curved into a seductive smile. "You know what I REALLY want?" She pulled him up, wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her naked breasts against his chest. She rubbed against him, moaning as her nipples hardened again.

He moaned low in his throat, pulling her body closer against him, savoring the feel of her soft body against his. "...What?"

A grin. "This." She kissed him, her tongue sliding inside his mouth just as one of her hands slid downwards...and delved inside his pants. She started caressing him, and then she unzipped and pulled his pants down low enough to free his struggling manhood before she hiked up the skirt of her dress , slid down her undergarments and pressed her aching core against him. "I want...YOU...inside me."

He gritted his teeth as he fought to keep his desire perfectly leashed, even as his hands subconsciously clasped the sides of her hips and held her up until the tip of his erection penetrated just way above her slick, warm opening. He briefly tried to recall where they were--at her missionary house, no less-- in a room no less-- and with the DOOR open, for crying out loud...

THAT particular detail brought him back to his senses. With the last remaining amount of control he possessed, he pulled his pants up, zipped it up and swiftly helped Jeanne dress up as well, amidst all her moans and cries of protest. "We can't do this here. You KNOW we can't."

"But I want it!" She pouted even as she pulled the top of her dress up. She still couldn't forget his touches and caresses...his erotic tugs at her nipples...and his fingers deep inside her...everything made her blood boil.

"Jeanne," he said firmly, "we're at your MISSIONARY HOUSE. And the door is OPEN," he emphasized with a meaningful incline of his head at the said door.

"Oh," was all she said as she continued to pout. Then, her face turned hopeful. "So...can we do it somewhere else?" She suggested eagerly. "Like your house, or...my room!" Her eyes lit up. "Upstairs!"

Lyserg rolled his eyes to the ceiling. It was like they hadn't talked about this at the Funbari Onsen Inn Bathroom, when they had, in fact. VERY explicitly. "When we're married, we can do it as much as we want, but...NOT before," he said in a voice which left no room for argument. "Alright?" He gave her a soft, sweet smile as he straightened out her dress, making sure that there wasn't any slight evidence of what they had...ALMOST done in the room.

She fiddled with the open buttons of his shirt as she gave him a look reminscent of a sad puppy. "...Alright," she whispered.

He took several deep breaths, visibly relieved that the heat in his body--and in his erection--had now begun to subside. He caressed her nape gently, raised her head up and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. "Good." He then let his lips travel to her eyes. "Now don't look so sad, please?" He murmured as he kissed her eyes, then, the tip of her nose, before he kissed her cheeks. "I don't like seeing you sad..."

Jeanne sighed with pleasure as she savored his soft, feathery kisses. "I know," she said quietly, smiling a little for his benefit.

He chuckled. "That's better." And then, he took her face in his palms and covered her mouth with his.

***

This is where the little scenish lemonish limeish scene ends. More kissing comes afterwards...before Luc and Sarah finally catches them in the act (with Lyserg's shirt half-buttoned, and both of them looking quite tousled and flushed). Luc finally realizes that they were *together* now, in the most ultimate sense of the word, judging from the way they were at it in the making out.^_^

Damn, it's hot (NOTHING to do with my perversity--just the weather. Summer's approaching here). One thing I hate about summers is the HEAT. The heat that makes you sweat...although this is good for Tae-Bo.^^ I'll be doing Tae-Bo tomorrow. Yeah, I need to go on a DIET. My face is bloating up. I wanna look good on my application picture.

So...what's Prelude to Destiny? It's basically part pre-Venice, part post-Venice 1-6, part pre-Celebrations, part post-Celebrations Prologue-10, and part post Venice 7 and Celebrations Epilogue. It's a tie-up of the events in Jeanne and Lyserg's life that didn't appear in any of the aforementioned stories. I'm wondering if I can write this down, though, or if I will even post it up anywhere. Maybe I can just put it up on a site or something. I think I'm too shy to put it up on ff.net.^^;;; Anyhow, if some strange twist of chance Elizabeth (Nagumo) is reading this, I quite apologize for not replying to her email about the story. I told her about this, see, and when she asked about it, I kinda didn't reply.-_- Meanie me. So yeah. So sorry, and when I get this story done, I'll be emailing her and anyone else interested about it (probably Kitsune--she likes LXJ as much as I do.^^). I hope this would suffice for the meantime.

To hell with the number of reviewers for Chapter 11 (of Navy). All I know is that I enjoyed writing it, and I love it to bits. I hope Miko-chan and her Imouto like it too. I wrote it with them in mind, after all.^^

After Navy, I'll be working on the HXT side story next. This time, it's going to take a LONG time for the chapters to come out, because I intend to take my time and make every chapter VERY special...not for any other person but for Yuri Maxwell. I love her to pieces, and I'll be writing the story with her in mind. And by GOD, I intend to make it perfect. PERFECT. Even if it ends up ending after a year or through eternity...just as long as yuri-chan likes it (and no one else), that's enough for me. That's how much I love her.

And then there's that Ken chapter for AFGM...it's for her, too.

Some people have asked me about the LXJ/LXS lemon and the RXP one...the links in my profile didn't work before, and now I made it disappear entirely. Just in case any of those people are reading this (doubtful, but nonetheless), I might take long in putting those up. Let me tell you, writing lemon is a lot HARDER than writing normal, non-lemon stories. A LOT HARDER. Especially since we're talking about extended poetic lemon scenes...because I cannot write anything else. I appreciate dirty lemon, but I don't have it in me to write that type of thing. You might say I'm a carnal poetess.*shrug* Go figure. I like poetic symbolic-ish sex scenes, as you could probably note from my lemons. Anyhow, the point here is, a LONG time. I might take a LONG time to get all those lemons out. But I WILL get them out, and that's a promise. Yakusoku suru, kanarazu da.^^

P.S. If ANYONE copies off the lemon scenes here, I will personally hunt you down and murder you. And trust me, I WILL KNOW. And I will KILL you. Got it?

Current Mood: Woozy, light-headed (slept four hours yesterday)
Current Music: A Promise I Make (forgot the band name)

Age.
Current Music: Mr. Deja' Vu (Getbackers)
Current Mood: Bored

Here's something I do everytime I bored: I go online and check out other people's profiles on ff.net and see who's under 17 and who's not. I consider those 17 and above to be...within my age league, mainly because most of them (or most of the ones I know) think along the same lines as I do, in most of the ways that matter. In the other ways, I think there's something different, and it's only minor, and something that normally comes with age. I know for a fact that people's way of thinking changes as time passes, and experiences grow. For example, in my less than 20 friends, I see myself in them the way I was when I was their age. Like when I see this person, and hear this certain person (who's less than 20), I think, "hey, that was the way I am back when I was 17." It somehow makes me feel nostalgic.

And there's the writing.

Fact is, people of different ages write differently. Although I feel this is still a case-to-case and experiential basis, it's mostly true. You're not going to have the same idealisms from when you were 17 by the time you're 21, so naturally, when you're 17, most of your writing reflects those idealisms (and fantasies). And then when you turn 21, you're gonna start writing about different things.

How do I know this? Well, proof of it all is my writing. When I read and look back at all my works from when I was...13 to 17, I cringe a lot and think about how incredibly...eh (sappy and ew is more like it) they are. Most are unrealistic in the sense that, well, when you rationally think about it, even though they're fiction (and fiction is quite liberal), they SIMPLY cannot happen. Like, it's so way too far out that it can't even happen in the fiction world. As in really not possible. Does that make any sense?

I doubt, but somehow, it makes sense to me.

Not that I'm saying I write better now than I did at 13 to 17 (perhaps I do...my grammar is a bit more solid nowadays than they used to...but that's not to say I didn't have impeccable grammar and spelling back then. I did. My senior year literature professor would spank me and confiscate my English medal if she finds out I've been neglecting my values of good grammar, diction, vocabulary and spelling). But I know my thesis adviser would spank me to death if he finds out...how excessively I use ellipses, double dashes, colons, semi-colons, and paragraph breaks. I mean, those were MAJOR editing issues in my thesis, for crying out loud. He tried to correct them, but he canNOT do anything about them because little sweet dear me refused to back down. I wanted my format the way it is, and so he just yielded (quite grudgingly...which probably explains the 1.5).

Anyhow, where was I? Um...yeah. Comparing my 13-17 writings with my 18 and above writings, I could say that...I've really matured. For one, there's a lot more sex in my latest works, compared to before (I wrote minimal sex then; no graphic descriptions, but I realized things were much more interesting when they're described in way too graphic detail). There's also a lot more details and descriptions in my works of late. Before, I only used simple "said" and simple descriptions; now, there's a lot more "said cheerfully, said brightly, etc, etc." which, I think, is a good thing. I personally love descriptions (which explains my love for J.R.R. Tolkien and V.C. Andrews, who both describe everything SO explicitly), and more so if they're in-depthly detailed. I guess that sort of comes with age, too.

So...well...that rounds up the road of explanations for writings and age and how it differs and such.

Now comes the whole point of the thing. Age.

Immunity for the whole "I'm getting old and I don't like it" thing probably also comes with age. Right now, I'm still dealing and agonizing over the fact that I'm in my early twenties (by heck, twenty itself sounds so...old), and I'll probably continue doing this until, say...when I'm forty or so. Or if I get married after 30 ("if" being an operative word; right now, I'm at that point where I'm close to believing that I might possibly end up just like one of those Sex and the City ladies), maybe I'll be too busy worrying about my kids and taking care of them (and having sex with my husband...hehe) that I won't even have time to think about age and getting old.

Anyway, 21. Age. How does this couple up with my being bored and checking out other people's ff.net profile?

Thing is, I see these ages (and sometimes, even birthdates) lined up in the bio of a lot of people, and most of those I've checked out (most of those who read my fics) were actually born right after 1982. Meaning, most of them are YOUNGER than 21. I can only count a handful of those who are my age or older. I think I might be writing in the wrong anime category, because like duh, Apple, the fans of Shaman King -are- mostly below 21. Most of them are even wayy below 17. I even know a couple who are 11 or so, and I think...man, these kids. Kids who are TEN years younger than me. A whole DECADE. Born in 1992. Born during the NINETIES. I mean, I was already alive, conscious of social issues, and watching Japanese tv programs during the nineties, for god's sake. I was already thinking of sex during the nineties. I was already thinking of lots of things. Of futures and presents. Careers and such. Where I should go for high school, and even college. What should I do for a living. Who should I marry. Where should I live. Why do I worship America (I don't anymore; I worship Japan, UK, and Italy these days). So what point do I want to make here?

If I had my period at nine, these girls (and boys) could already be MY kids.

Thankfully, I didn't get my period at nine (I had it at twelve...and I hated it), but a close friend of mine did. Which means, -she- could have had these people as -her- children.

And that thought makes me feel how old I am.

A lot of times I still wish I was eight or seven again. Back then, I looked forward to Christmas and New Year and Birthdays and getting older. Now, everytime those celebrations hit, I just cringe. Another Christmas, another New Year, add plus one more to my age again. I'm in the second to the last week of the calendar, dammit...it won't be long until I reach the end. One more decade.

While these...kids, they have two more decades. Two more decades to enjoy until the time of judgment.

I'm bitter, I know.

I really need to get a life. All this boredom is making me think.

Thinking gets me depressed.

I want to go to school again.

Or work...part time. Like, in the afternoon. Around four hours.

Maybe I'll do that.

I'd better start working on that application essay. It's due on Friday.


Current Music: Mr. Deja' Vu (still)
Current Mood: *still* bored

Sigh.

Current Mood: Tired
Current Music: If Forever's Not Enough by Sarah Geronimo (saw her singing on tv last night)

Somewhat depressed and tired of the way my life is going. Tired of how I say that what other people say don't affect me, when in fact, they do...much to the point that I cease to do what I'm currently doing because of what was said. Much to the point that I cease to feel what I was so convinced I actually felt because of what was said.

And now...look what happened.

Maybe I should just give up on this entirely. I don't know.

Ironic and sad, though, is that it wouldn't make sense to give up entirely right now...not when I'm almost there. Not when I'm almost at the point of reaching what I intended to reach, and attaining my goal. Is this what I'm going to do every single time someone tells me something that serves to dishearten me?

I'm not going to give up.

I'm not going to give that person the satisfaction that whatever she said and did to me made me give up.

I will do this...and I'm going to try not to fail this time.

I've succeeded plenty of times, and I will do so again.

Of course, I've also failed a lot of times...but...not now.

Not this time.


Current Mood: Determined
Current Music: Guadosalam Theme (yeah, yeah, I'm obsessed with FFX-2. Only because I can't figure out the title to that Fatal Frame II theme song)

Prayers.
Current mood: Worried
Current music: Mt. Gagazet Theme (FFX-2)

I received a message today. Something about saying "Our Father" and three "Hail Mary's" and then sending out the message to nine people and something good will happen four days after. I think it's a chain, but anyway, it's a prayer chain, so I thought I might try it out.

Anyway, when I started to recite the prayer(s), for a brief moment, I forgot what they are, and I was a bit alarmed. Even though there was a lot of bullshit going on in my religion, even though I don't care much about devotions and mass eucharists and things like that, and even though my mind is always flying every time I go to mass, I still keep my faith intact. I believe in God and I believe in my religion--just not in the people and the organizations in my country who run it. I believe in the faith itself, not in the people who keep saying that they symbolize and spread the faith.

So yeah...I was a bit alarmed. At some point, though, I started to remember the prayers, much to my relief. I want to prove to myself that, at the very least, I still keep that inside of me, that I haven't quite lost it yet. I never believed everything my elementary school teachers taught me back in those days, but one thing I do believe is that you lose a part of yourself if you've lost your faith in something you've had faith in for a very long time--especially something that was ever-constant and unchangeable--like God (other things don't count).

Just to prove to myself that I haven't forgotten those prayers, here they are:

Our Father who art in Heaven,
Hallowed be thy name,
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on Earth
As it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
And forgive us our sins,
As we forgive those who have sinned against us.
And do not bring us to the test,
But deliver us from evil.
Amen.

Hail Mary, full of Grace,
The Lord is with you.
Blessed are you amongst women,
And blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, mother of God,
Pray for us sinners.
Now, and at the hour of our death.
Amen.

Yes, sometimes I do curse the heavens. I explore the concepts of religion and sex and all the seven deadly sins a lot. I explore the different forms of cultism to my heart's desire. I praise Dante Alighieri and his Inferno, Purgatorio, and Paradiso. I do a lot of things other people would no doubt raise their eyebrows upon (premarital sex counts), but I do have faith, and beliefs. Maybe I don't live by them, but I have them.

Well, either that, or I'm just trying to convince myself.

Am I...?

Whatever.

Current Mood: Relieved and Weirded out
Current Music: FFX-2 Boss Fight Theme (That STUPID Garik is a toughie)

Blank.

Current mood: Huh? What mood?
Current music: Anti-Nostalgic from Gravitation (it's playing inside my brain's jukebox)

Got that music-mood idea recently. I think I might have seen it somewhere, I don't know.

Anyway, like the title says: blank. I feel blank. My mind isn't blank, but I feel blank. Meaning, nothing. Nada, zip, zilch, zero. My heart doesn't feel anything. Not sadness, not anger, not hate, not happiness...no nothing. And the funny thing about that is, every single time I write in this thing, there's always a certain FEELING hovering deep inside of me, but now...there's nothing. And that's weird.

Maybe the passing of 2003 and the onset of 2004 is getting to me.

Maybe it's because...I just woke up about a couple of minutes ago and I don't feel like feeling anything (if that makes any sense).

Maybe it's because I slept too much yesterday morning, evening and afternoon (I did NOT sleep at all on the 30th...seriously. My eyes just refused to close, for some reason).

Or...

Maybe it's just me.

Hm.

I think it's just me.

There's something really seriously wrong with me. Not just with my brain, my body, or my heart--but me, as in the whole package. When the powers that be created me, they made a lot of mistakes thereby leading to certain horrifying malfunctions, and it's not good at all. It's not good because it's bad enough that I'm far from normal, now I realize that I'm SO far from normal-weird too. I mean, some people are normally weird, but me--I'm ABnormally weird, if you get what I mean. I'm weird and strange (redundant, but it gives off my meaning, so there) in a way that NORMALLY weird people aren't. And I don't exactly know if I should be happy about that...or sad...or alarmed. On the upside, I'm SO unique it's wonderful. On the downside, I'm SO unique it's positively scary, and incredibly alarming. Meaning, I'm practically on the brink (yes, redundant again) of being sent to the mother of all ward 7's, the epitome of mental institutions (I don't know where that is). It's terrifying, yet...strangely thrilling, somehow.

But then again...

I live by this philosophy that...you are only really truly insane if you cannot admit to yourself the fact that you ARE insane. But if you admit it, then you're not quite there yet. It means that there's still a chance that you can be cured...or a chance that you're NOT insane. Which means, that I'm NOT what I think I am, that I'm...NORMAL, despite what I feel I am.

I don't know if I should feel good about that. I like being weird.

On second thought, I SHOULD feel good about that. I mean, I like being weird, but not to the point that I can be classified as insanely insane. I like being weird NORMAL, because that's the best thing in the world to be. Being normal NORMAL is incredibly boring.

So yeah. I like being weird.

I still feel blank, though.

Anyway, I remember my last entry was...December 16 and I suddenly realized that I hadn't been able to relay the story of one of my closest friend (of 7 years)'s departure for Minnesota. She and her parents are living there for good...and she left last December 14. When we were saying goodbye to her, I frankly couldn't cry much, I'm not sure why. I think it's because of her. I love the fact that whenever she and I are together, even if what we're already talking about are seriously infuriating and tear-jerking things, we still always manage to laugh. I guess that's what I'll always remember about the times we had together...the laughter. It's a constant for the two of us. We CAN be serious too, but really...seriousness sometimes takes the fun out of life. As for laughter (I mean SINCERE laughter), it makes happy times even happier. I guess you can say that I'll always remember her happy. I'll feel sad everytime I remember our happy times together...because it can never be like that with anyone else. It just wouldn't be the same without her.

Ah. There we go. I'm not feeling so blank anymore.

At least I can still contact her through cell phone and email once in a while. That makes me happy too.

Anyway, it was right after that day when we said goodbye to her (once I got home) that I actually felt the sadness washing over me. I guess that must have been the time when it really hit me that she was leaving us for good. And then, sometime around 8am of the 14th, she texted me this message:

"I want to protect someone sweet, I want to stop my weak self from saying 'farewell'...something I've never done before...a song falls from my lips--a rough stone that shines like a diamond from within me. I'll take you with me...hope you'll take me with you..."

I'm not sure if this came from a certain song or whatever, I just know that...even if I was still half-asleep at that time, I felt the tears well up my eyes. I cried, even though it was so early in the morning. I truly did.

I can never have another friend like her, I know that. There can never be anyone else.

I hope I can see her again someday...

I've never had a best friend (okay, so I DID once, but we never lasted that long...just around 4 years, then we drifted apart), and I can't really call her my best friend, but I DO have a handful of really really intimately close friends, and I can honestly say that she's one of them. I can tell them everything I want to tell them, and they'll never throw me away no matter how crazy I might get (they're as crazy as I am), and I do hope we'll be together for a long time...even until we're, say, 70 or so. I would like that a lot.

Just recently, last 30th of December, me and my crazy friends went on a late post-Christmas-pre-New-Year dinner at some fairly costly Italian place somewhere around QC. We had a real blast. We ALMOST ended up as the ones to close the restaurant ourselves, but we had fun. We laughed a lot (and went to the bathroom a lot...their iced tea takes up quite a toll on the bladder^^) and I treated them all to dessert. I got home around midnight, and I think too much fun (or maybe iced tea) might have been the reason why I couldn't sleep AT ALL that day. But I don't care. I got to see my friends, and I had fun with them, and that's what matters to me.

Now it's the 1st of January, 2004. I wince at that even-numbered year, because it reminds me that it's only about five months until I turn into an even-numbered age myself. I wish it could be fourteen, sixteen, eighteen, or I'll even take twenty, but unfortunately...it's twenty-two. I found something good in twenty-one before--in one of the Catholic groups here in my country, the cut-off age for the youth convention was 21, and because of that, I was still able to consider myself a YOUTH. But in a couple of months, I'll no longer belong to that youth category.*wince* I hate getting old.

At the very least, though, I can always console myself with the thought that even though I'll be turning twenty-two, my sister will be turning twenty-four, and my brother just turned twenty-six last November. There's always going to be someone older than me, and that makes me feel better. Sick reasoning, I know, but still, it makes me feel better.

Anyways...

It's been three months since I've written this HaoXAnnaXYoh of sorts one-shot fic, and I STILL haven't posted it up. Until now, I still feel that it sucks. It was a gift for one of my friends, and I do think she liked it (she might have been just trying to be nice, though), but I don't feel so good about it myself. I've had one of my other friends and her sister beta-read it for me, and they've showed me ALL the faults of the fic (and there was a lot) and I really thank them for that, because I think they've been able to point out all of the errors I've seen for myself but refused to correct. I've corrected it a bit myself, but frankly...I *still* feel that it's not very good. I think I'm really hopeless when it comes to HaoXAnnaXYoh.-_- Ah. Well, I can't write everything, can I?

Maybe I'll post it up one of these days. I think there're still two parts I have to rewrite for inconsistencies. I don't think I'll check in anymore with my beta-readers; they've done me enough favors already. I'll be focusing myself on finishing the fic I dedicated to the two of them (Navy and Azure). I do believe 10% or so of Chapter 9 is somewhere along the lines of done already. I'm planning to post it up this Saturday. It's coming to a close, only five more chapters to go. Originally, it was only supposed to be ten chapters. I don't know how it got so long. When I finish with it, it'd end up with 13 chapters...3 chapters excess of my original plan. I wanted to give Chii, Ken and Pan a little more air time, and Ran too. Ren's been a little on the stupid side so far in Navy and Azure, allowing his father to manipulate him...but I'm planning to raise up his status to kick-ass mode once again starting with Chapter 10 (in Chapter 9, he only appears briefly at the very end^~). Pilica's been quite a character in the previous chapters, and I like that. She doesn't have much of a role in the main Mankin, and I wasn't sure if I would be able to make her character effective and non-OOC in Navy, but I think I'm succeeding so far. She's just exactly the way she is in the Anime, except this time, I'm showing a little more emotional side to her.

As for Ren...in Navy, he's almost exactly the way he is in the Anime, except for the emotional side. I'm not sure if I made him too...stupid in Navy, but just in case anyone contests that part, I have an explanation at the ready. As for his treatment of Pilica, and his lack of courage and guts when it comes to her, that's pretty Ren-ish, in my opinion. He's always been sort of afraid to express his feelings to people he cares about, and I do believe that it's partly because he's afraid to be rejected, as he himself has always rejected people ever since he was young. He didn't want people treating him the way he used to treat them, hence the fear.

And then, Pilica...she's not so much the brat she used to be anymore, which is explained by maturity. Age. In my opinion, she wouldn't act the way she acted at 11 when she's 22 (which is her age in Navy), so she's a little more thoughtful yet still ultra-emotionally-charged, the way she was when she was younger (I think she cried a lot). She's a very emotional young woman. What I haven't shown here yet is her forceful and physically strong side--this would be showcased in Chapter 9.^^

Hm. Studying Psychology has been really good for me. Character analyses come so naturally. I think I've already done this with Jeanne and Lyserg, during Venice and in the two side stories. I've even explained why Jeanne is so aggressive and so eager to love. As for Lyserg...I don't think he'd ever forgive the man who killed his parents, but given his character, and the lessons he learned from Yoh, and from the love of his life, toleration is quite a start. Jeanne despises Hao, too...and she and Lyserg would be somehow similar with their regard for him. But the fact that they now have each other, and the fact that they have Hao to thank partly for making them see the light, would be a cause for them to...somehow be able to tolerate Hao to a higher degree.

As for Marco...he goes with whatever Jeanne-sama wants, so he'd be treating Hao the same way she does. For the Lyserg bit, though...I really don't think it would be a long time before he actually learns to accept wholeheartedly that his almost-daughter Jeanne was deeply involved with one of his former comrades, and worse (anime-wise), one who had left them to go back to the friends he once knew. If he discerns it all up, he'd know and realize that there's always been something more than just a simple Mistress-Angel Protector relationship between Jeanne and Lyserg (much in the same way that there's always been something in between Ren and Pilica than just him being her brother's rival and her being his rival's sister).

Anyway, maybe in the near future I'll write something where they've all learned to accept each other. Maybe I will.

Which reminds me...

I wonder how the heck En will be able to really, honest-to-goodnessly accept Pilica as his son's (future) wife?

Hm. I'll have to work on that.

I still have to finish that little lemon fic I promised Reen I'd write for her. I hope she'll forgive me if I don't get it out by Saturday. I am quite uninspired with lemon-writing right now.

But maybe I'll get inspired later.

I'll be writing the rest of Chapter 9 a little later on, too.

So yeah, maybe I'll end with that.

Current mood: Eager
Current music: Yuragi Koto Nai Ai from GetBackers

Depressed.

Here I go again with another one of my ultra-mega depressed entries. Like I've said before (probably at least a thousand times in my mind), it seems like each and every single time I write in this thing, all I can ever write about are sad, depressing things. But like I always tell myself, that's what a blog-journal thingy is for, right? A place (basho/tokoro) to say whatever you feel. A place to vent out all your emotions.

I think my only consolation here is that even though I am often plagued by negative emotions, at least they are feelings of sadness and not anger or hate. Anger and hate takes a lot more from people than sadness ever would...or at least, I think so. Hm, maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better. Maybe on some level, anger, hate and sadness are all pretty much the same, takes equal amounts of strength from people. I don't really know. But I feel that anger and hatred are the worst feelings in the world people could ever have. When you're angry or you hate, there is inevitably another person (or persons) or thing involved, and that's never good. Holding a grudge against someone else is never a good thing.

On the other hand, if you're sad, then...granted, there *might* be another person or persons involved, but most of the time...it's just you yourself. As it is with me. In sadness, you feel the things yourself because of yourself (if that makes any sense). In hatred and anger, you blame other people (or things) for feeling what you're feeling, and blaming other people is never a good thing. Blaming yourself is better...but not too much. Taking all the blame yourself proves that...you know you've done something wrong. However, blaming other people is some sort of...escape for a lot of people who have too much pride and ego and refuse to take the blame (and thus, the punishment) for things they've done. For mistakes they've committed. And refusing that you were wrong when you obviously are is never a good thing. Inevitably, you'll still end up being punished, but punishments are easy to accept if you know and you believe yourself that you are to blame. Defensiveness sometimes (or most of the times) means that you know you have done something wrong yet you refuse to admit it.

Why am I saying all this? I don't really know.

I don't have a point.

Well, at least I didn't start this entry with my usual hard notebook journal entries: "I know I should be doing this, but I just..." stuff. *shrug* My favorite things to do during highschool and college: procrastinate, and then feel guilty about it and write it all out on my big notebook (which contains lots of cut-up stories and poems and sex scenes and such). And then, after the writing, that's when I finally start whatever project I've just successfully managed to put aside in favor of the TV, the telephone, or a new book I happened to come across. Or a new plot whatever that refused to get out of my pretty little head about some new non-existent boy or man or kid in my life.

Will I ever get much out of my life if I keep on doing this? I mean, I'm doing it right now. I gave myself today as a deadline for writing Navy and Azure 7, but as of current I've only written about 9k of the whole thing. That means I still have around 21k to write, and considering how I have been for the past week, writing so little takes SO much effort and drains so much out of me. Imagine: I wrote that 9k for FOUR hours. And that's not even counting the half a day I spent yesterday staring at the computer screen blankly. I just *could not* start it for some reason. There is something really terrifyingly wrong with my brain. I don't know what it is.

I really need to go back to school and get this brain of mine back to work. Maybe then I can get it back to the way it was before...or maybe not. If (actually, more like WHEN) I go back to school (which I have every intention of doing), I will again be disappearing from the world of fanfiction writing entirely--something that has already happened to me back in junior and senior year of college. When I am in school, I am obsessed with school, and my tendency is to focus my entire body, heart, and soul on school work, spending what little I have of my free time hanging out with my friends, watching television, reading books and writing fictions (nota bene, por favor: FICTIONS, without the "FAN" prefix). Even though they have the disadvantage of lack of timeline, back-story and character existence, I still prefer writing fictions to fanfictions, because with fictions, I have free reign over everything. I don't have to worry about OOCs or even OCs or inconsistencies to the plot with the way the Anime/Manga was. I have freedom to do whatever I want. I can even make myself the main character, if I want. Me and my friends, just like I did with that short little fiction called "Love Fool" which I seriously planned to write more extensively. I wanted to make it a lot longer, with a lot more explanations, humor, men, and of course...sex. And in Love Fool, sex is so easy to write, because I can write them as dirty as I want them to be. I can be as carnal as I want (and among my friends, I am probably the second most carnal...Dawn is the first). And best of all, I can play around with all of my friends' characters all I want, and they won't kill me or flame me for it.

Anyway, that's what I love about fiction writing. Although it's harder, it allows me much more freedom.

Just to clear it out, I still have plans to write out Love Fool, when I get the inspiration again. I mean, I have the Christina-Jonathan story almost completely written out, so that's one less problem (that's my story, in case anyone was wondering). I only have to write out a couple more: the Dawn-Eddie-Joseph-Bryan-MJ-Ronan story, the Pat-Jon-uhm...Jerry (?) story, the Pam-TJD story (which is half-written already), the Jan-Brad story, the Jeanette-Christopher (or Mark...might have to change his name to Mark) story, and the Poca-Lawrence story (which is a very short piece). I'm still thinking of whether I should add a Tessa-Justin story, because I can't think of any plot for them. Either way, I want to get it written someday. I want to finish "Sixteen" too, come to think of it. And then there's its sequel, "Seventeen," and the third and fourth story, "Starting Anew" and "Three Proposals." And then there's "Witness." And then, there's "Stars and Fireworks on New Year's Eve."

And there's this one whose title I forgot...anyway, the story on this is about this little girl searching for her mother, and how she manages to get herself into a place where children are used by the antagonist to earn money. She meets a lot of kids--all of them orphans, and they all grow to love her--except for Matthew, that is. He hates her because he's the tough thug leader of the children, and she's taken their attention away from him. But well...eventually (yatto), he falls in love with her, gets to be her first in everything (yes, of *course* there's sex in it!), and well...yeah. It's a love story between a sweet, beautiful girl (her name is Callie) and a smart ass thug with no feelings (Matthew). I haven't got a title for this yet (I've seen my notes), but maybe I can call it...Faith. Yeah. And the title for its sequel is "Hope." The sequel will be about Callie's brother Arthur and one of the orphans, Anna. There's a sort of happy ending already for Callie and Matthew for this part. Arthur is a cripple, and Anna is a sad orphan. Anna wants to help Arthur walk again, but Arthur has no more hope...and he loses that even more when he is unable to help his sister when she was going into labor.

Anyway, if I can get to writing this, there might be a third part..."Love," I think, this time. The final part. This will be about the youngest of all the orphans, Elizabeth, or Liz. At the time of this story, Liz has been legally adopted by the Diana McMillian (Callie and Arthur's mom). Angel is 3 years old, Arthur is starting to walk (and starting to woo Anna) and Callie and Matthew (the Ryans) are living happily ever after. Anyway, Liz is torn between all of her "brothers," the orphaned boys: Richard, Andrew, Charlie (Anna's brother), Thomas, Dennis, Nat, and Parker. They all nurtured her and took care of her...and she has to choose one of them. Okay, I've only developed the plot of this now, so I don't know how this is going to end up, but...at least I have it here.

So anyway, there's one other work I wanted to write..."Clouds," but it looks like it will be kept in the cabinet, as I have no inspiration for it. And then, there's my online story, "Portraits of Memories," which a good friend of mine liked. I *might* continue that if I get the inspiration back...even though I have absolutely no knowledge and talent when it comes to art, and that's what that story is all about. The only art background I have was from fifth grade, and from Claudia Kishi of The Baby-Sitters Club, and that's not a lot. But I *do* love the best friend thing plot of that. Yes, I do.

So, how much fiction do I have pending for me?

1. Love Fool
2. Sixteen, Seventeen, Starting Anew, Three Proposals
3. Witness
4. Stars and Fireworks on New Years Eve
5. Faith, Hope, Love
6. Portraits of Memories

And yep, I forgot to mention some of the other stuff I've begun to write like way before sixth grade but suddenly lost interest in. The pseudo-V.C. Andrews types of work. I don't think I'll ever do them. I mean, all I ever get up to is the Prologue and Epilogue, and even then, there isn't a lot to the stories. Maybe someday I'll get the inspiration back, so I'll keep the notes just in case.

And oh yeah...I forgot about this half-fanfiction, half-original fiction I have in the works..."Again." This is about Hisashi and Ayumi...getting back together and stuff. There's a lot of basketball here. I want to continue this too, as well as its sequel..."Beautiful," which is about Ayumi's cousin Rumiko, and Nobunaga, another basketball player. There are also a passel of side stories for this (and lots of sex scenes for Ayumi and Hisashi...LOTS). Speaking of that, I remember one entry I have here...in it, Hisashi was stuck with the hard on.^^;;; I'm proud to say that Hisashi is no longer stuck on that hard-on, because they've managed to get it over and done with already.*grin* Yes, I've managed to finish the sex scene for that, and I honestly like it. One more successful sex scene for me--not too dirty, not too clean. Just the right amount of lust and love to keep me going.*grin* Hisashi has a lot of hormones he needs to extinguish...and Ayumi is a very beautiful and very willing uh...extinguisher. Honestly? I don't know how Ayumi manages not to get pregnant. I mean, they don't do withdrawal (I DON'T like withdrawal), Hisashi doesn't use condoms (he's a one-woman-man, anyways) and Ayumi doesn't use diaphragms or whatever. But...oh yeah. She uses lots and lots of birth control pills--same thing that K does in "Sixteen."

Have I ever explained the plot of "Sixteen?" It's just a simple story with lots of sex. A simple girl with lots of dreams, and a rich, rich boy...and they fall in love. In "Seventeen," Joey (the hero in Sixteen) starts taking advantage of K, and K hates it. A half-British, half-Arab friend of Joey's studies in their school for that year, and he...takes care of K everytime Joey makes her cry. In the end, he falls in love with her, and she, with him. She ends up leaving both of them, not wanting to choose between either one of them for fear of hurting them both. And she moves somewhere far away for College...and meets a half-Japanese, half-American genius of a boy. This is where "Starting Anew" starts...uhm, begins, rather. The two of them becomes best of friends, and she dates his three brothers, and he, her roommate, before the two of them realize that they were in love with each other all along. Lots of things happen before they finally get together. But they do...and right after graduation, K's two other old flings from high school visit...and here's where the three proposals part comes in. I kinda mapped out already who she'll end up with, but I *do* have alternative stories in case I suddenly decide that she should end up with one of the other two she rejected.*shrug*

Uhm...so where was I? Oh, yes. Fictions. I've just given the massive amount of fictions I've begun to work on ever since I was ten or eleven years old. Actually, I haven't even counted here the others which I have no intention of working on anymore. There are LOTS, I think...and my extensive notebook collection of brief conversations and monologue-ish discourse prove that. I've always wanted to be a writer. Isn't that obvious? Yet...I want to own a computer company like IBM someday too. And I also want to write my own lifestyle column. And be a translator of Japanese. And be a lifestyle magazine editor. I want to do a lot of things. Yeah, I do. Hm. At least I'm still in my early twenties, which means I still have almost two decades or so to accomplish everything I want to accomplish. And oh yeah...I want to travel around the world as well. Too many things, no?*shrug* And what am I currently doing to accomplish any of this? Nothing. I'm sitting out here and writing my blog on an offline notepad.

Well, my only consolation as of now is this: it's almost Christmas, I've just finished that hell of a Japanese Exam, and I deserve a little break. By January, I'll have to start moving my feet again. I need to get those recommendation letters for the masteral. And I need to submit my transcript. By God, they had better accept me. I mean, I know I don't have a cum laude attached to my graduated status, but hell, I *have* worked hard. I just don't kiss up to my teachers as much as my other batchmates do (not my classmates, though). In my course, sometimes it takes more than talent to go up...sometimes (or most of the times) it takes a lot of kissing up to professors. And a lot of professors are in love with students who kiss up to them.

My thesis adviser isn't one of them, I know. Nor are some of the other teachers I like. My thesis adviser just *can't* understand that I have *no talent* whatsoever when it comes to technical writing. I am hopeless at that kind of thing. Utterly hopeless. Utterly not (kesshite) talented. No skill in it whatsoever. I think his head hurt a lot from reading my thesis. I've read it once and I don't want to read it anymore, but I know...it sounds horribly like a novel waiting to happen, even my analysis. Truth and fact is that I just *can't* write technically. I am such a loser when it comes to those things, which probably explains my mediocre grade in all the papers I've ever submitted to him. Okay, okay, they're not exactly mediocre...but not a grade I'll be proud of, anyway. My work is somewhere along the middle. Not too high, not exactly average. Alright, so maybe I *can* write technically if I really want to try...but I am hopeless at trying something like that...just as I am hopeless in writing anything short. Like as in *short,* you know.

Well, at least I know the basics and I can work on them. There's this work around here that pays good bucks to technical writers...and I wondered before if I can maybe apply, but truth is...technical writing isn't something I want to do. I would never enjoy it, because although I love English grammar and such, I detest technical writing. It's so rigid. So unlike creative writing...well, once in my life, I found creative writing rigid, too--back in senior year at high school.

My stupid creative writing and journalism teacher hates me and my classmates so much, I think. She hardly ever approves of anything we write...my works, in particular. I think I have this...revolutionary way of writing in her class. I don't like her (and I used to see her in church every Sunday...*shudders* and she always looks at me like she wants me to greet her...*shudders even more* ew.), and I know she doesn't like me much. No, she's not an old maid--she's quite young, actually (I think she might be...26 or 27 now), but the way she is, you'd think she's in menopause or something. Anyway, why do I say that I sorta write revolutionary in her classes? Well...she asks us to write stories, poems, analysis of magazine ads, stuff. My magazine add was about nail polish...and I don't know how I managed to make my analysis sorta...sexual. Carnal, even. She gave me a 94 for that paper, but I think she had been forced to, just because she realized that I knew more about sex more than she ever would, even though she probably had more experience than me at that time (I was just sixteen then). And then, there's my poem about this ren...uhm, RED (my hands want me to write up the rest of Navy and Azure) sunset...I got a low grade for that because...I think my poem was kind of bloody and gory. I think she didn't like that.>_< I didn't like the picture she wanted us to write the poem about, so I was in a bad mood, I think. I *might* have wanted to kill her that time.

Our final final exam was something I remember a lot...a classmate of mine praised my story because it made her shiver all over.*grin* I am proud of myself for that one, but I only wish I had a copy of it. But no...it was an impromptu story that was submitted to our dear teacher and never returned. She should suffer the worst karma if she ever submits that anywhere and puts her name on it.*frowns darkly* If she ever does that, I hope she dies. Anyway, I know she gave me a high grade for that one (it showed on my report card), albeit grudgingly. At the time of the exam (when I wrote that story) I was feeling very pissed and depressed and down...and I hated her even more immensely then for putting me up to the torture of forced writing, of asking me to force myself to let the bloody creative juices flow. And the juices did flow, mind you...extensively. My story ended up in suicide. Yep, it was a short, short piece on suicide...of this girl whose parents were murdered, and of her sister who was raped and killed.*shrug* Her suicide was gory as well--bloody knife. That piece was goth-horror, and when I got out of class that day, I felt lighter. That story had been a wonderful emotional outlet for me.

I only wish I was able to keep a copy of it.

There are two other high school stories I wish I was able to keep a copy of. One of them was this fairy-tale sort of story called "The Queen, the Mirror, and the Princess." My teacher (my English teacher, whom I totally love this time), praised me so much for this. And there was NO correction AT ALL in the story. I think I got a 98 for this. Anyway, I really wish I could have kept a copy of it, because I really loved it. So beautiful. Not too short nor too long, too.

The other story was written in our language, and it was about a girl. Her father died, and her mother left her and her brother all alone. After a couple of years, the mother came back, and the daughter wouldn't accept her mother no matter how many times she said sorry. But time passed...the mother died of cancer, and this is the only time the daughter was able to accept her mother again. It's a sad story that (I think) made my (Filipino) teacher cry. I especially loved the ending of that: (in tagalog, of course) "It's never too late to forgive...it's never too late." I remember that, because I loved it so much.*sigh* I really wish I could have kept a copy of that.

Enough about that, and my writing. This has gotten too long already.

I just recently saw that Nezumi-chan has put up her own LJ. Hm. She said in her entries that...my blog inspired her.*winces* I am *SO* majorly embarrassed. There are a lot of things here about...a lot of stuff and it's kind of embarrassing if she has read any of my entries.*winces repeatedly* But then again, it is *my* fault for putting this up into public eye. Now I know three people who read my blog. SO embarrassing.

And plus, if she's read my recent entries, I think...well, um. There's something about it. I'm not going to say anymore. I've been incredibly honest in my blog lately. And it's so awfully embarrassing. The people don't comment on my blog, but darn, they read it...and I used to think nobody reads my blog. I only allowed Pam and Lai to read my blog before (when it was still in 22Blog, but now it's in Tripod) because...well, just wanted to test it out. I never intended to have people read my blog, but like I've said...it's my own fault for putting this up somewhere public. FF.net is *so* much more public than my website, especially now. I know a lot of people read my stories even if they don't review (now I realize why...I write way long chapters, and I don't ask for anything specific in a review...well, I'm not really looking for reviews much these days. It's enough that some people enjoy my stories, nevermind the reviews), and if I don't update, that would mean they either access my stories on the SK pages, or *wince* at my profile. And my blog is right up there on my profile, so it's so easy to click on.*shakes head* Me and my sick thoughts. Sick me. Ah, well.

Oh yeah...that nice person who sent me the cute LXJ pic sent me some pics of Ren (and Lyserg) I think sometime over the weekend. I asked her if she had any request from me, and she told me none. But now, I know she reads my stories, because on her email she gave me one comment (which I appreciate). It went something like why there was always a third party of sorts in my stories...there was Marco in Venice, and now, En in Navy and Azure. She says they are bad and all, but why do I do that? The novelty wears off after sometime...well, I wish to address that here. Maybe she's reading this, maybe not, but...anyway, I'll do this. Thing is, in relationships, third parties (in the relationship) are not the worst obstacles in the world. There are others. And in the case of Venice, it's Marco; in Navy, it's En. Other than that, I have this...phobia, for lack of a better term, regarding third parties. In love stories, sometimes it's the most obvious obstacle that could break up a relationship, aside from the really, really, *really* obvious obstacle that is...the lovers themselves. And since I've gotten over that girl-and-boy-need-to-work-this-out parts, I've decided: other than third parties, what other factor can break the couple up? I'm trying to be a little realistic here. I've grown up over the years, and if I were seventeen now instead of twenty-one, I'd probably go with the third party option, but now...I think about other things.

In a relationship, sometimes love just isn't enough to keep two people together. Even without third parties in the way, sometimes, things *happen.* And realistically, taking into account culture, people, and background, En going against Ren and Pilica's relationship to the point that he would want to separate them by getting rid of her is *entirely* possible. I've thought about this a lot before I wrote everything. In the case of Lyserg and Jeanne, though...with Jeanne, Marco is hardly a threat, but with Lyserg...with what I know of the Anime and Manga, it's entirely possible that he would be quite scared of Marco...not to the point that he would really cower, of course, but, well...um. If anyone gets interested, there's a back-back story way before Venice that I've begun to work on. I don't think I'll be posting it anywhere, but maybe I can get a little synopsis of sorts started. This includes Caesar, Luc and Sarah too. This new LXJ is a pre-prequel to Venice, and it would tell the story of how Jeanne and Lyserg's relationship actually developed, as well as what had caused Marco's animosity and uhm...*cough* hatred for Lyserg. And why it was Jeanne who visited Lyserg's detective agency and not Lyserg who visited the missionary house often before the confessions in Celebrations took place.

Well...alright. I don't know if I was able to explain it that clearly, but uh...*shrug*. Anyway, all the same, I appreciate her comments. The HoroXTamao side story will be a little different from Venice and Navy, because although there *would* be a great obstacle, it's something unexpected.

My biggest problem now: it seems that I can't get inspired to write a YohXAnna, which makes me feel so ashamed as I love them to pieces. I hope I'll get inspired soon. But I don't think I'll go through with the supposed lemon side story for them anymore. I've totally lost the inspiration.

After Navy and Azure, I'll work on the smut side stories. I need to get them all out of my head.

Ohh, what a long entry. I seriously need to write Navy and Azure 7. Like as in right now.

Darn it. I've got to go end this.

Nope, no longer depressed. Just weirded out. And feeling hopeless.

(Goddammit, I need to write Navy and Azure)