Confused.

It's past midnight, and I have these weird feelings tumbling out of my heart. I'm just so confused.

The weirdest dilemma I have right now is my part-time teaching job. Truth and fact is, I really, really, *really* don't want to go back to that place anymore...not if the guy I'm going to teach is the same guy who's refused me because of my contacts and the guy who doesn't even know the meaning of the word "punctual." As I've said previously, I REALLY hate those kinds of people. And I don't wanna go back there if he's the one I'm going to face. I'd rather get the old guy. I'd rather get a new student. Someone new--yes, I'd much rather prefer that. I really would.

The trouble, though, is, I've been evading my employer's assistant's calls. Last week, she's texted me saying that I had a class last Monday, but I bailed out with so much passion, saying that there was something important I had to take care of when the truth was I just really *didn't* want to teach that guy anymore. The moment I found out it was that guy I was going to teach YET AGAIN, I wanted to run away. I think I should have never asked. Then I wouldn't be in this situation right now--confused, unsure of what my next action should be because I know for a fact that I've just done (and am still doing) something terribly, inevitably wrong--and all because I wanted to get out of a teaching job.

So anyway, after I had texted the assitant finally relented, informing me as well that the other contract (with my friend) had been cancelled due to my friend's excessive latenesses. Wait a sec--that was BEFORE I started texting with passion. After I texted and they relented, Miss Assistant told me (or at least that was how I interpreted it) that Sensei was scheduled to *talk* with the company's admi because of the revoked contract...and that the other contract (with Mr. Late Guy) was also revoked already. I said a million couple of tearful sorry texts after that, and she didn't reply, and OF COURSE I knew why she didn't reply. I felt so incredibly bad that day, but I merely shook my feelings away and focused, focused on writing, and writing, and writing...and studying. I had to do SOMEthing to take my mind off all of it, of course. And well...surprisingly, I didn't harbor any deep feelings of guilt deep within me (inai=within) at all, which led me to believe that I *might* be doing the right thing after all.

After that, I started to think about Thursday, and if I had a teaching job, but I know that I actually read the text and the text said that the contract was being revoked for BOTH clients, so...I assumed pretty much that I didn't have a job that day. I didn't text to confirm or disconfirm it. I admit that the reason why I did that was I was afraid to find out that my interpretation was wrong, and I had a teaching job with Late Man after all that Thursday. I just kept ASSUMING that my interpretation was correct...and that Thursday came and went with me bumming around the house and occasionally writing and studying for the proficiency exam (I have a MONTH FLAT dammit). I didn't suffer any guilt trips, although I was actually terribly afraid of coming to class that Saturday (verily forgetting it was November 1, which would have calmed my fear of wrath from Sensei considerably) and facing Sensei. I know I have sinned. Sometimes, during the course of last week until the recently passed weekend, I consoled myself with thoughts and justified that I was really feeling impossibly OUT OF IT that Monday and I needed that break so much even if I gave another reason (very vague reason) and even though it had caused the Japanese to revoke their contract. Most of the time, I believed myself. And most counts for a lot, and I've forgotten about the few times.

Anyway, Saturday came by without a hitch, and I was relieved that before that I was able to decide that it was a holiday and we PROBABLY had no class. I was relieved.

Monday came...and I didn't go anywhere. I just stayed at home and studied some until I got dizzy from all the Kanji. And my new problem came at night: the assistant texted me, asking me if I had a teaching job, and little me texted back that I didn't know about it and I thought the contract had been revoked. Assistant texted that I should call her the next morning at this number. I went as far as recording the number and placing a reminder in my phone that I had to make a call the next day...yet I was still AFRAID. I erased the reminder before I slept that night, and in the morning, erased the text with the number, my little self dismissing my erasure as an "accident," with a little vocalized reaction from me to back it up. I was feeling guilty that Tuesday. I ignored it...and told myself that it would depend on what I would be feeling the next day (Wednesday) if I would text and ask for the number and call. I could simply excuse myself this Saturday and say that, because of all the studying I was doing, my mind somehow lost track of everything else and I'd forgotten to call.

Honestly, I wanted to call...I really did. I wanted to plead to them, to tell them if I *might* be excused just for this month so I could focus and study for the proficiency exam...but I was afraid they'd say no. They said no a couple of times to my plea last Monday about excusing me for the teaching job that day...but when I told them it was really important and I really *couldn't* get out of it...they'd said yes, grudgingly, making me feel so VERY guilty that I had to apologize a million times. So, to make it short--I didn't call because...I was afraid to. And now, my final day to call has passed and I don't have any more chances...tomorrow (rather, TODAY) is my mom's birthday and just CAN'T be home late. I hope no texts come tomorrow.

Now, I'm still afraid of coming to class this Saturday. I know I have some explaining to do. I'm still wondering what I should say.

Hm. Will Sensei be firing me? God, I hope not. This is my first job out of college, and I don't fancy getting fired, dammit.

I don't want to quit either. Can I just tell her honestly that I don't want that freaking excuse for a man as a student anymore? I can wait for Mr. Kudo. Even if he comes back next year, I SWEAR, I'll wait for him.

I really hope I don't get any texts in the morning. Or calls. I can tie up the calls, but I can't tie up my texts. I'll simply have to tell them that, just like last week Monday, I simply *cannot* make it today. I have to. I can't be gone for my mom's birthday. I just can't.

It's November 6, and has officially been since an hour ago. Happy Birthday, Mama.

Two entries in a week. Wow.

Restless.

Well.

It's a little bit -too- early for me to be doing this. In all truth and honesty, semi-employed-cum-student me should still be sleeping on my cozy bed (not four-poster, dammit) until, say, around 10 to 10:30 today. But no. It's a minute before seven am and I am bloody awake. Since early dawn, there have been too many things on my mind...too many thoughts preventing me from sleeping as soundly as I should be. Too many things...and they're not even about Japanese. I wish they could have been about Japanese...then at least I know I'll have proof that I've been studying, because I -have- been studying. I've been studying so dizzyingly since last week. And yet it seems like nothing's getting through my pretty little mind. I can't seem to remember -anything- I've been studying. I've been trying to memorize a lot of stuff...and IT'S NOT WORKING, dammit. I've been reading them, but...sometimes my mind wanders off to a lot of different places. And that's preventing me from focusing. And that's not good at all. I worry. I worry a -lot- about many things. And lately, seems like there's nothing that I want to do. I want to give up a lot of things which I haven't even started much on.

I think about my English teaching sessions. I haven't had one in quite a long while, and frankly...I don't even know if I -still- want to teach. I've been degraded so much by those Japanese men because of their dislike for my contact lenses that I don't even want to face them anymore. I don't want to see them. I want a new student who doesn't know me, who hasn't seen me, and who has nothing (as of yet) against my contacts. My contacts are a part of me, dammit, and if they can't accept that...they can't accept me. And that's the biggest hurdle I can't tell my sensei right now. I don't want to teach that...man anymore because he doesn't like my contacts. How trivial. How very trivial, especially since I've been warned at the onset that Japanese men do -not- like colored contacts. It's my own fault, really. But dammit, it's really not my contacts that are important, it's -me- and what I'm teaching them. What they'll be learning from me. That's what's important, right?

So, bottom line is...I don't want to teach anymore. Not if I'm going to get the same student who rejected my contacts. And not if I'm going to get that same student who probably won't be able to come early not even if his life depended on it. I have no patience with those kinds of people. I -hate- those kinds of people. They have no right to be demanding when they themselves can't even go by protocol. It's honestly infuriating, sometimes. I'll be infuriated if I had the ability to -be- infuriated, but...fury's just not me. Anger's not me. So...yeah. I hate those kinds of people. And I don't want to deal with them anymore. People can say that I've given up when I haven't even gone past middle, but I don't care. I'm tired. I don't want to do it anymore. But the question is: how do I tell them? How do I tell my parents? I mean, this teaching thing is the closest thing I have for an employment...the one thing that's preventing me from calling myself an unemployed useless bum. Can I really just give it up like that?

Maybe I'll apply in a call center to get a job.>_< Yeah, right. As if I really would.

I think about my writing. My fanfic writing. I think I've been trying to do too much. Twice a week of update is quite a toll on me. I never did that on AFGM, and...I don't know...maybe I shouldn't be doing it with these other stories. They're suffering because of my extreme...desire to finish the stories as fast as I can. Maybe I should stick again to the once a week thing like before. The quality of my chapters are going down the drain, and I hate it. I think I'll go back to the once a week thing. I mean, I look at all my previous writings and I'm like...wow. These are SO GOOD. And when I compare them with my recent (Navy and Azure), my previous writings are way -up- there, and my recent...sucked like any, plain as day. Maybe I need a break on it. Maybe I need to refresh myself with reading. I'm losing words. I have no inspiration for the story. I feel...nothing every time I write it. It's like I need lots of willpower just to get it out. It seriously sucks.

Maybe it's just me. Or maybe I just don't have the inspiration for that particular story. I mean, I -never- felt that way at any time when I was writing Venice. I totally enjoyed writing Venice...up to the lime-ish lemonish outtakes. I totally enjoyed writing those, too. Or maybe (as I've suspected for quite a while now) the reason why I can't seem to get inspired for Navy is because...I'm too freaking obsessed with LXJ and Venice? I don't know. But the thing is, I've been trying to get rid of my fixation for a long time. It's been more than a week since I've finished Venice and I -should- have gotten over it...should have...but I still have residues of it up here in my mind. Post-epilogue stories. Future stories for it. Plenty more Hao-Lyserg conversations. Plenty more Lyserg-Jeanne love scenes. Yeah, lots of those hovering in my mind. Not that I don't appreciate the inspiration...but they're getting annoying, especially since I've been trying badly to get inspired with -something- else other than LXJ.

I'm thinking if maybe I might have overdone Jeanne's character a little bit. She's -too- loving and eager for love in my stories...and I'm seriously wondering if that's really, genuinely her...or if I might just be trying to live myself through her.*shrug* Well, I'm really not sure. Maybe I -am- trying to live myself through her stories...because really, that's about all I can do. But well...my explanations for Jeanne's total surrender to love and eagerness in loving and making love to Lyserg *wink* is this: repression. Having been Iron Maiden Jeanne, and having been a nun-in-training for quite a while, she's never been allowed to express her feelings when it came to wants, needs and desires ever since she was a child. It's only later when she grows up and is no longer Iron Maiden anymore that she sort of becomes allowed to express herself...and Jeanne's just like your normal young woman in a lot of ways. Somehow or other, in my LXJ stories I've tried to illustrate a Jeanne who's no longer the X-LAWS leader--a Jeanne without the limitation or repression that her former position (or work) gave her. A tough, commanding Jeanne who just happens to be a little *too* fond of one of her former comrades...and later, that fondness turned into something far more: love that was so intense, it was almost indecent--if I were to quote Caesar.

Hm. I guess this is the reason why I like writing what I think. A minute ago I was doubtful of my portrayal of Jeanne's character, now I've managed to convince myself that my portrayal was logical. Well, that certainly takes one problem out of my mind.

I'm still not entirely sure if I'll be able to get inspiration for Navy in the next couple of days. I'm hoping and praying that I -will- be, if only to satisfy myself with finishing at least one chapter per week. I might have to change that notice up on my profile.

I really don't want to teach those Japanese anymore. But I don't want to quit. My sensei's only got me left, because Dawn's giving up, and that other teacher crossed over to her province. I wish she can get a new person hired soon. I don't want to teach that guy who rejected my contacts anymore. I don't want to see him.

Dammit, in a couple of days I'll only have a MONTH FLAT to study for the Level 3 proficiency exam. I still have LOTS of studying to do. Lots of things to memorize and understand. Lots and lots. Damn.

Oh, yes. I was going to request my teacher if I can take a leave from that teaching this month so I can study for the proficiency exam. I'm going to have to convince them. I need this whole month for studying. I need it.

And besides, I really don't want to see that freaking Japanese anymore...

I'm Enjoying Myself Immensely

I take back what I said about that LXJ fic. Alright, so truth be told, I was still a bit hesitant when I posted it last Monday, but...I did anyway. I didn't get any reviews till later Tuesday, which was just as well.

Last Monday, I received a call from Procter and Gamble (yep, the big multinational soap-shampoo-detergent-napkin-etc-etc corporation) and they were asking me to...get this: take an exam for a job application, and to bring my resume besides. I was confused. I've never submitted my name to any jobs online thingie, nor have I ever submitted -anything- at all to any job fair of sorts. So, I felt like it was only fair if they told me where in the world they got my name and number from. I mean, it -might- have been a prank call--these days, you can never tell, right? So I asked. And the lady on the line told me: they got it from the school. I raised an eyebrow at that time. I didn't have any Latin honors...so why me? Then I figured: University of the Philippines, state university and all that...maybe that was it. This company -doesn't- just call people from any other school--they call from the best. But that's not to say everyone in UP is better than everyone else in other schools...but you know stereotypes and such.

Anyway, so they asked me to come for an exam the next day. And I did. The exam started at around 10. I met two of my former classmates and batchmates in the test room...turns out we were all from the same school. There were five of us at that time...and the exam ended at around 12. I didn't get to finish the exam. It was a very weird exam with very weird questions....and I honestly didn't think I was going to pass. The math was weird. The comprehension parts weren't weird--actually, they were the pretty easy bits...but I missed the final part of the exam. Yeah, I did. The time ended when I was finishing the second to the last part, so I pretty much randomly answered whatever in the final part. And I was laughing at myself while I guessed the answers for the weird Math questions. In short...I was pretty much SURE I wasn't going to pass.

So...the lady who administered the exam (and who called us) said we can take a break and the results will be announced at 1pm. For a couple of smart, A-class state university students that four out of the five of us were, we chose to stay inside the room and wait. I didn't want to come back anymore, and I guess neither of the four us wanted to, either. So we waited....and we answered this little application essay questions supplementary of sorts (that came along with the application form). I couldn't think of anything to put in those, so I uh...made some stuff up. Not too much, though. Anyway, all of us finished right around...1:30. And still, no results came. We did everything imaginable while waiting -patiently-. We slept. We read. We slouched. We talked...and you know what time the results were actually announced?

Sometime around PAST FOUR IN THE AFTERNOON.

Yep. How nice, eh? And we haven't even eaten our lunch yet.

Anyway, two of the five of us didn't pass (they were the ones who sat on separate tables; the three of us who passed were kinda chummy already and we were sitting on the same table). It was kinda funny, how my mantra all throughout that whole time was "please give us the results, I know I didn't pass, I just wanna eat lunch already and go home," and I ended up being one of those who passed. Hm. I must be better than I thought.

Well, anyway, they told us 3 who passed that...the interview was supposed to be that afternoon already. And yep, you can probably imagine what our simultaneous reactions were. At least she was nice enough to give us some time to eat a meager lunch...and that was what we 3 did. I feel for those two who didn't pass, though...I mean, to think that they waited that long. Oh, well.

So...the interview. Well, it turned out that the interviewer lady had an emergency meeting, so my interview was kinda delayed quite a bit. I got interviewed around...get this...6:30 pm. Really wonderful, these P&G people. And since I got early into the interview room (like, 5:30 was the time I was supposed to be interviewed) and since I was feeling pretty tired due to lack of sleep (I slept 2 am and woke up at a 7:30 am) so while waiting for the interviewer...I slept...and I think she caught me right in the middle.

And the interview. I don't honestly believe I did so well in the interview...but oh, well. I am still not expecting that they would be calling me anytime soon to tell me that I had a job. But still, though, I'm thinking...how much would I earn if I worked in this company? Their starting was, like, around Php15k, without the benefits...that's, like, GOLD already for a starting pay here. If granted that I would be accepted, I'd be earning MUCH more than my brother would...and he's in a higher position. Hm. That certainly makes me think...

So, getting back to my very first statement above: I take back what I said about the LXJ I wrote. I posted it up...and when I got home Tuesday evening (around past 8pm), I had already made up my mind to take it off, but...the reviews. For me, one or two people who are happy about the story was fine...and that was what I got. The 2 reviews made me so happy that I sat to work on the next part that night. Some motivation, huh?

Anyway, I got a lot more good reviews for the next chapter, which I appreciate very much. Lots of people liked it (even those who don't review but have told me so in YM), and truth be told...I was getting to like it, as well. I was enjoying writing Venice immensely. I enjoy writing Caesar and Luc, and Sister Sarah, and of course, I LOVE writing Lyserg and Jeanne. I had promised myself that I would do better with them here in the side stories...and it looks like I'm already fulfilling my promise.

So, as of now, I have finished and posted the third chapter of Venice...and I TOTALLY enjoyed writing every single bit of it...especially now that in this chapter, one of my most beloved characters has made a guest appearance...^_^. I do hope my readers will get to enjoy reading chapter 3 as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Backtracking on the events of last week...Wednesday evening, I got to see one friend whom I haven't seen for quite some time (and another friend whom I see like about once a week)...and she treated me and that other friend of mine to an expensive fine dining place...while watching an acoustic outdoor concert. We had a lot of fun...although we thought the MRT had closed up on us so we decided to take a cab instead. I got home sometime around 11.

I don't remember if it was Thursday morning or Wednesday evening when I started chatting with mouse-chan and we ended up brainstorming an idea for a new fic, which ended in us deciding to collaborate in writing it. Just suffice it to say that...she and I spent a lot of hours last week chatting about our whole fic idea, and finishing the Prologue of our fic. I would have to say that I think this is one of the best ideas I've ever come up with...collaborating with an incredibly superb and amazing author. She and I are members of the Mutual Admiration Society (I admire her, she admires me). It's absolutely great, the way we were able to finish the whole prologue in a span of one night (and a couple of hours at dawn). Last Friday, we were able to post the prologue, and so far, we have been getting really good reviews.

I have a problem with that right now. I promised to write the sex scenes...but thing is, I'm losing inspiration. I hope I gain it back. I hope I can write the sex scenes soon. It is SO hard to write really good sex scenes...well, at least I have her to regulate my carnality--I mean, you know, to see if I should tone down the sex a bit. I just really, sincerely hope I can get to work on it soon. Get an inspiration for it soon...

Last Thursday, I was able to accomplish a lot of things. I was able to finish Venice chapter 2, and a 3000-word one-shot fic about Horo and Tamao, a gift for a friend who had her birthday just yesterday. I wrote it around two hours, and although I thought at that time that it was something along the lines of crap, after the reviews, I'm starting to think it's not so bad.*shrug* I think everything I write is crap...or at least, weird. But what made me the most happy about that was the fact that my friend liked it a LOT. That's better than any other review from any other person for me.

So...this has gotten quite long, so I'll end this here. Until I write again.

I'm Losing My Touch


I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. I mean, as in REALLY thinking. I don't have much to do, and I usually think at those times. But recently, it's becoming too much. I mean, the thinking. I'm getting tired of thinking...about many things. Fanfics, my high school friends, my college friends, my net friends and email pals, my fic reviewers, the plagiarizers, my work, my student(s) my jap teacher and my jap teacher's assistants, my family, Anime...there are WAYY too many things that occupy my mind, and it JUST GETS SO TIRING sometimes. This is one of those times.

But still, I can't help it. I don't know why. I just do. Perhaps it's because I think more often than I speak. I'm not a very vocal person...never was and probably never will be. But I'm just so SICK of it. I really am.

I was in Church earlier this afternoon (It's Sunday, and I'm Catholic) and although I was physically at Mass, my mind was elsewhere. My mind was on Hao-sama...and a lot of people.

I keep on thinking if I should post the first chapter of this LXJ Celebrations side story I'm writing. It's only about 18k, and frankly, I don't think it's very good. It isn't exactly bad...just really, really weird. I'm honestly afraid of rejection. I'm afraid the readers won't like it much. I don't know. I'm afraid that the readers will end up disappointed that this is what my LXJ for Celebrations was. I mean, they MAY be expecting something else...some other story. I can't give them another story. It would very boring to tell them what happened to these two right AFTER they hooked up in Celebrations. In the after, Marco isn't even a threat anymore, while in the Post-Celebrations, he's VERY much a threat.

Truthfully? I was quite dissatisfied (not really dissappointed) with the way Lyserg and Jeanne's story ended up in Celebrations. I don't think how it came out jived in well with my initial plans...ALTHOUGH what happened was really close...still, I wasn't satisfied. I think I might have lost certain parts of what was really supposed to happen somewhere along the way (it had been in my mind two months ago). I don't really know.

Or...their story might have been overpowered by Ren and Pilica's. I don't know.

I'm really, seriously NEVER ever gonna write a multi-character-centric fic ever again. Or a multi-couple-centric fic. It's hard because you always have to make sure you don't leave anyone out, and it's more DIFFICULT because...I'm human. I FEEL things. And when I write the scenes in the fic, I pour my heart into them to the point of obsession. I really do. And when that happens, I get this certain fixation for a particular couple at a particular moment.

I don't know if it would've done me good to actually separate all the couple scenes into different chapters. I didn't wanna do that...it would lose the whole point of making it unified. But I think in wanting to make the whole thing unified...I managed to neglect a lot of things. In certain chapters, I tend to get...engrossed on one couple over another...and I think that was what might have happened to me in Celebrations. I focused too much on Ren and Pilica and ended up making it bad for Lyserg and Jeanne.

Although...one of my favorite scenes in the Epilogue is the LysergXJeanne scene (scenes; they extended until Manta's scene). I think it might have been too late when I got my momentum back. I should have gotten them back at the onset of Chapter 8...but I got them back on the Epilogue.>_< It...sucks, kind of.

I realize now that...NONE of the chapters in Celebrations suck...more like some are a bit disappointing. I'm disappointed with myself in some of the scenes, especially in the later chapters (sans the Epilogue; I LOVE the Epilogue to bits). Sometimes the chapter ended up long because I put in some scenes that are maybe not necessary but I felt was really necessary at that time. Sometimes I get too wordy. Sometimes I got too repetitive. Either way, there are a lot of "I shouldn't have done's" in the later chapters of Celebrations.

On the whole, though. I was proud of myself for having been able to finish this fic project, and having been able to make a lot of people happy in the process. Although I've lost some readers, I've gained some, as well. And there are those who kept on reviewing consistently and liked the whole thing all throughout. And then there are those who don't review consistently but liked it all anyways...and have told me so in a long, long review. I don't know if I might have gained a following because of this fic, but...*shrug* I don't know. I wonder if I'll lose some readers during the LXJ side story...?

I've been thinking...I wonder if I should take a little break first before I write more of those Side Stories? Maybe it will do me good. But then again...what would I do then? How will I make myself busy if I don't write...?

Oh, yeah...the jap level 3 exam is in TWO months.*shiver* I still have a LOT of things to study. Yeah, that's a good idea. I'll just study.

I think I'll take a week-long break from fanfics...

Hmm...but what about tha LXJ, though...? I wonder if I'll post it tomorrow.

Hmm...I'll sleep on it. Maybe I'll get enlightened. I sure hope so.

I wonder if Ate Syao liked "The Wedding." If she didn't, it doesn't matter. I don't like it much. I'm getting a little too fixated with the Celebrations time line. The Hao in "The Wedding" is my Hao in Celebrations...hm. There isn't much HaoXAnna either.>_< I just don't have the power to write that couple...HaoXApple...now, THAT one I might be able to write.^_^

Lots of Things

Well.

I just got back home after watching this "best friend" movie with my sister. I thought I was gonna end up making fun of her all throughout for crying, but to my surprise...I was the one who cried. Not at all the bits, mind you--it was half and half a comedy--but some of the scenes really went right to my heart. I don't know why. I can't understand why. I mean, I've never been in that situation before. I couldn't relate to it at ALL. But somehow, I ended up getting teary-eyed. Why?

In the movie, the hero's father died of cancer, and that made me think of my mother. She recently got this lump removed from her breast, and it seems that the findings show that it was a rare kind of cancer which doesn't have much background yet. I was a bit surprised...she has never shown any of the symptoms they have indicated for the cancer (I'm not sure what it's called). The weird thing, too, was the fact that the doctors don't even know yet WHERE in my mom's body the cancer was located.

The first time I heard the news...I didn't cry. I mean, not a single tear. I didn't even feel any pain whatsoever in my heart--like you know, tightenings, constrictions, or anything like that. I just took it all in stride. It's really strange. Am I an unfeeling and uncaring person? I don't know. I mean, although I get angry at her a lot, she's still my mother, and I love her as much as I love my whole family (my dog Omi included). But I don't feel the sadness. I don't feel any pain.

Maybe what my mother said yesterday was true. I wasn't my sister. My sister cried the minute she found out that our mom had cancer. And I mean, really cried. This is one of those times when I wish I was more like her than more like me. I wish I could be more expressive in my emotions. Or maybe...this really is as far as I can go with emotions. I don't know. Maybe it really is my nature to take everything in stride--even serious and sad matters like life and death. I don't know.

I'm confused, though. I mean, speaking like a true realist...and putting it bluntly (I highly doubt if ANYBODY is as blunt as I am), my mother can die anytime...and, well...I don't know. I honestly don't know what I'm going to feel when that time comes. I mean, I've encountered two deaths in my family already, for crying out loud (my grandmother and grandfather on my mom's side) and even though I was so close to the both of them...I never cried. Not even when everyone else was crying. Not even when I should have. I don't know if it's because my aunt kept telling jokes all throughout the whole funeral ceremony...or if it's just really me. I'm just really unfeeling, uncaring, unemotional, and callous. I don't know.

One thing's for sure--I KNOW I love a lot of people. Maybe this is just the way cynics deal with things. I'm a cynic--yes, I admit that. I have the tendency to analyze and overanalyze virtually anything in and out of the face of this earth. Maybe it's because of that. I don't know.

I got a call earlier this morning from my Japanese teacher's assistant. She says I was to take a break from teaching those two Japanese executives mainly because...get this: they didn't like my contacts. YES, MY CONTACTS. I mean, how shallow can you get? I mean, they're not even THAT old, for crying out loud! They should be used to these kinds of things by now. Just so you know--I'm wearing a pair of violet contact lenses with 4.00 grade. I CAN'T take them off, else I'm as good as blind. My glasses don't help because they're about a frequency lower (3.00 I think) and it doesn't help when I go to work...I can't really see very far away, and I absolutely positively NEED to see far away. And yep, I was told that it wasn't ME they didn't like personally--just my contacts. Tch. Go figure.

Well, I don't really know about that, but if THEY don't like my contacts, for me, then BY GOD they sure as HELL don't like ME. I mean, my contacts have become part of who I am as a person--they're MY EYES, for godsakes! I mean, I teach them ENGLISH, not some kind of vision exercises or whatever! If they don't like my contacts, can't they just NOT look me in the EYE? Tch. I don't know. Closed-minded freaks.

So yes, I'm taking a break from teaching those freaking executives English. I've only been teaching for TWO meetings and I'm already getting as good as sacked. Isn't that great? As for me, I still think it's their loss if they're gonna lay me off just because of something as trifle as contact lenses. They can never get a better English teacher than me...except maybe for Dawn, but other than her, no one else is better than me when it comes to English. No one.

Yes, that has successfully lightened my mood and cleared out my head. I gotta do this more often. Till next.

Trivial.

So.

I'm sitting here in front of the PC and unable to do anything because I'm unable to connect as my mom is currently talking with my sister. I think she had a fight with that sort-of-friend of hers again. Yesterday, she and my mom fought over something really trivial. I mean, it's trivial to me. My sister failed an OB exam, and she was angry yesterday because of that. As she had claimed (or so mom said) "she doesn't fail exams" with a definite emphasis on the she. Tch. So trivial. If I had been the one who failed the exam, it wouldn't have been a big deal. I mean, sure, I do believe I've never failed an exam even just once in my life. Well, alright, I did--once. But hey, that doesn't count at all because no one passed that exam at all.

So anyway, if it had been me, even though I've never really failed even once (the lowest I ever got on an exam that counted was 2.75 and even then it didn't matter because most everyone else failed) on an exam, if I had failed I would never get angry like that. Moreover, I would never ever -ever- vent out my anger on someone else--especially someone who had absolutely nothing to do with my frustration and and most especially someone who doesn't even have an inkling as to why I'm angry at all.

I mean, granted, if it -had- been me--I wouldn't have gotten angry at all. But then again, when have I ever gotten angry at anything so trivial? If I got angry, it's gotta be something major, because, in all truth and honesty, I don't get angry much. Irritated, yes, lots of times. Annoyed, plenty of times. P'od, hell, yeah. But majorly, honest-to-goodness angry...? Well...I don't remember, but it might have been senior year in high school. I think I might have thrown some of my things around and hit a couple of people in my house.

Anyway, the point is, I don't get angry over trivial things. I strongly suggest my sister do the same thing. But then again, that would be...like...saying she should be more like me. Or she should -be- like me. And that would be way out of line.

I think it would help her out a lot if she tries to lie low a bit more when these things happen. Well, she knows she's very vocal and I think she likes being vocal because she thinks it's the best kind of person to be, but really, some things are better off left unsaid. Saying what's on your mind is good, but only to a certain extent. She has a tendency to...say things upon impulse, without thinking, and a lot of times they come out doing what they shouldn't--cause other people pain. More importantly, cause -her- pain, because afterwards she regrets what she has said but the thing is, what's said and done can never be undone, even if you say sorry. If whatever was said was especially painful, even if you apologize to the person and he or she has forgiven you, fact remains that IT HAD BEEN SAID. It might have been forgotten on a superficial level, but the memory will stay in that person's heart of hearts for very long, perhaps even to the point of forever.

Ah well. What can I say? I'm not her. She's not me.

I wonder how she's gonna deal with this. Personally, I think she would be much better off quitting medical school and getting a good job and paycheck. Maybe then she would be easier to live with.

Ah, what am I thinking...? Hm. Maybe I just miss her.

And I miss my Gluhen DVD.>_<

Iroirona mono

Ichi: Thoughts

I wonder why DBP's always offline. I was supposed to get some money today, but I was unable to because, as I just said, DBP
was offline. That sucks. I was hoping I could get a couple of bucks to make up for the almost two thousand I spent last Sunday (I bought 1 DVD and 2 CDs; purchases were worth it, but HELL, I really wish I they were less expensive).

I want more DVDs. That PlayStation 2 is some piece of work. It only plays for Region 1, but for what it's worth, it DID play my Gluhen DVD quite well (it's an all-region DVD, is why). Aya looks good on TV, with long braids and all. Omi looks good on TV--being rich suits him well^_^. Ken looks good on TV (doesn't he always? Even if he's got that psycho crap going on). Sena's kinda cute. Rex is pretty (but then again, all the Persia secretaries are always pretty). Yohji looks like crap, as always.

Some new stuff sounds good. I want new stuff.

I really hate the fact that since election time is just a stone's throw away, politicians left and right are digging excavations on each and every street. More traffic, more pain, more hell. And plus, yesterday, we weren't able to go where we were supposed to go because the place closed down and the company moved due to the construction. Oh, to hell with constructions. TO hell with politicians. Screw them all to hell, the pricks.

Aya's really scary in Gluhen. I mean, he smiles, for crying out loud! If that's not scary, I don't know what is. The braids are cool, but that...that...SMILE...really CREEPS me out...

Chobits is really fun. Chii is very cute. Hideki's so funny. Sumomo's really cute too! I like it. I might buy it...

I love Hao. I love Hao. Enough said.

Those themes really have a tendency to grow on you. First, there was For Fruits Basket, then there was Ordinary Sunday, now it's Let Me Be With You...hah. Weird. Hen da yo...

Ni: Wish List additions

Chobits Full Series DVD Set
Chobits Manga
Shaman King the Movie DVD
Yami no Matsuei Full Manga Collection

San: Kowai da yo

Thursday last week, after I finished eating lunch, I went through the back screen door of my house to wash the dishes. Now our screen door locks from the INSIDE, so naturally even if I had gone out, I WOULD be able to go back in no prob, right?

Well, that's what I thought. Right after I finished the dishes, I went to the screen door and tried to open it so I could come back inside the house...but it HAD BEEN LOCKED FROM THE INSIDE!

The scary part of this story is that I WAS THE ONLY ONE HOME THAT DAY. I mean it. No one was there inside the house. I was the only one there, and I was OUTSIDE.

Now, if I was OUTSIDE, and the screen door can only be locked from the INSIDE, and I was the only one home, then HOW the HELL did it get LOCKED?

Well, I don't know either, but the only explanantion I can give is that: someone...or someTHING was making fun of me.

But I prefer to think of it logically: it must have been jiggled hard that it closed on its own. Not that plausible, but it's a cause I prefer to believe.

So how did I get out? The only way I knew how: I DESTROYED the screen door. If I hadn't done that, I would have been stuck there for about FIVE hours. Our housekeeper only came by when it was like five-thirty or something. I would have gone insane.

Oh, hell.

Yon: Argh!

Why does he always do that? Make unwanted comments? It's annoying! I really hate my dad that way. He always seems to be interested in the things that I'm doing at the times that he shouldn't. I mean, when it's graduation or school or something like that he acts like he doesn't care. But like when I'm doing personal stuff (like writing and reading in the confuser or whatever) he tries to annoy me by trying to look over my shoulder and acting so interested over what I'm doing. I mean, it's darn annoying! Why doesn't he just GET A LIFE for crying out loud? I hate what he's doing! And he does it to my sister and me! I hate it, hate it, hate it!

Go: Stuck

In "Losing and Coming Home," Hisashi's stuck with a hard-on and Ayumi's holding on to the hard-on. They're kissing, naked, but unable to get release. And it's all my fault. I can't seem to get inspiration for the rest of the sex part. Funny, it's always been so DARN easy for the others, but this is the first time I'm writing a sex scene for the two of them. I want it to be perfect and I can't seem to get it. I might have lost the inspiration. Hope it comes back to me soon.

In AFGM Chapter 5, Omi's stuck in the part where he's musing about his latest dream. I haven't developed that yet. I seem to have forgotten what was supposed to happen. It had been there in my mind last week, but it seems to have fallen asleep again.

Roku: Nemui da yo

I'm sleepy. I hate getting up early, but tomorrow, I'll have to. It's for a fun cause, anyway. HYD is fun. I wanna eat at Kabuki again. That darn iced tea makes me woozy.^_^ I wanna drink five glasses of it again! Oh yeah, and I need money......there we go, I just yawned. Gotta get some sleep.

Random Crap from Hell

Subject: What the hell
WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!? I check back after 36+ hours and my site's still not open?!?!?!? Who the f**k checks my site that much? I really need to move. I wanna update and I CAN'T EVEN UPDATE! What in the world is happening?

Subject: Kanji hell
Ahh, forget it. What's the point? Tch. I need to study like still about 90+ Kanjis TONIGHT. And I haven't even started. I have an exam tomorrow. F**k it. F**k it!. F**k it, f**k it, F**K IT!!!

Subject: Okane hell
I wish I had money so I can buy these things. As of ima I can only buy 1-2 of the items here. Ahh, the sadness of the poor in okane...kanashimi da yo....;_;

Subject: Takai hell
I want the following. It's possible for me to get them, but not ALL at the same time.:_: UHAAAA!!!!!!!!!! I want them, want them, WANT THEM!!!

A Visa or a Mastercard that can buy all these things
Angel Sanctuary
Ayashi No Ceres Manga (Main Story)
Ayashi No Ceres Novels
CCS Art Book Collection (All 6 or 7 of them; Php2500each)
.hack//sign (all 26 eps + the OST)
.hack//sign Legend of the Twilight
FAKE (ALL the episodes)
Fruits Basket Manga 4-11+ (Php390 each)
Fruits Basket OST (Php450)
Fruits Basket Season 2 DVD Set (I'm not sure how much this costs)
Fushigi Yuugi Novel Ryuusui Den
Fushigi Yuugi Novel Yukiyasha Den
Fushigi Yuugi Novel Suzaku-hi Den
Fushigi Yuugi Novel Genrou Den
Fushigi Yuugi Novel (Forgot the title) Chichiri's Novel
Fushigi Yuugi Novel (Forgot the title also) Nakago's Novel
Gensomaden Saiyuki Character Vocal Collection (Php450)
Gensomaden Saiyuki Gaiden Manga
Gravitation Manga (all) (Php390 each)
Hana Yori Dango OST (Or the MP3 of Ordinary Sunday, if I can't get the OST)
Heroic Legend of Arslan (ALL)
Kaze to Ki no Uta Manga (ALL of it; probably hard to find, this is OLD)
Kingdom Hearts 2
Kizuna
Koko wa Greenwood
Please Save My Earth Manga
Shaman King DVD Set (Not sure either)
Shaman King Nintendo Game (and a Nintendo Cube)
Shaman King OST and Character Vocal Collection (Php450 each)
The Biggest Most Complete Book of Kanji Ever (is there a book with this title?)
The final four episodes of Dragon Ball Z (not sure either)
The Random House E-J, J-E Dictionary (Php500+)
Wei? Kreuz GlUhen DVD Set ($20/Php850 each)
Wei? Kreuz GlUhen OST (Php450)
Wei? Kreuz Gakken Mook 2 + All That Wei? + Ja! Wei? + Ja! Schwarz
Wei? Kreuz Schwarz Characters Vocal Collection
Wei? Kreuz Manga An Assassin and White Shaman
Xenosaga Episode 2: Second Miltia (There's no title for this yet)

Subject: Yume hell
I want the following. It is not possible for me to get them AT ALL, except maybe in my dreams. And when I wake up in the morning, I dream. As I walk the world and get on with my life, I dream. In other words, as I live, I dream. Even as I write this, I dream. Which means that for me, real life is just about congruent or equivalent or actually equal to my dreams. Or is onaji as my dreams. Genuinely onaji. Honto no honto maji de honto ni onaji.

Omi's new trenchcoat and Wei? costume
Omi's new everyday human costume (elegant-looking mansion wear, baby! makes me wanna tear them off of him)
Omi's new gun (the Browning Baby)
Omi's Tsukiyono Castle (no wait...that's already mine)
NOT Omi's Grandpa
Omi (in Wei? Kreuz GlUhen...but then again, he's already mine)
Ken (in Wei? Kreuz GlUhen)
Aya's long dark-red braid and his eyeglasses (NOT Aya)
NOT Yohji in Wei? Kreuz GlUhen (at ALL)
Brad Crawford in GlUhen
Tsukasa Domyoji's Mansion, Company, Estate, Pants, what's under the pants...everything, I guess
Tsukasa Domyoji the normal obnoxious guy
Tsukasa Domyoji the schizo
Rui Hanazawa
Thomas (in Hana Yori; for a one-night stand)
Akira Mimasaka (with his hair tied back)
Sojiro Nishikado (w/ or w/o the hat)
Tsukasa Domyoji with his hair straight down, Shiso Mikage style
Tsukasa Domyoji with his hair straight down, Hisashi Mitsui style
Tsukasa Domyoji with a beret
Tsukasa Domyoji and Syaoran Li's weird jacket collection (they have the same taste in jackets...)
Syaoran Li and everything he has...no wait, I don't have to ask for that, he's mine already:)
Hisashi Mitsui and his ball...erm, basketball^_^ (alright, alright, and the other ball as well)
Yoh Asakura (shared with Anna; I don't really mind)
Faust VIII (on a one-night stand)
Hao Asakura (this ONE'S MINE and MINE ALONE)
Gaignun Kukai Jr. aka Rubedo the U.R.T.V.
Shiso Mikage
Ean Shu
Emperor Boushin of Konan
Eiri Yuki or Uesugi Eiri and his uhm...cigar collection^_^;;;
The Sohma boys and men (Yuki, Kyou, Shigure, Hatori, Ayame, Haru, Akito, Momiji, and Hiro) and everything they own

Hahh....dreaming I was dreaming...Oh well. This is life, this is me, sue me.

Subject: LSS hell
Stepping out...fuutsu na nichiyoubi ni...stepping out...chiisana try, try, try, make my day!^_^ Ahh, that song makes me *smile* so much! I LOVE it! And I also love the dance that comes with it! I wanna dance it!!! LET'S DANCE!!! Stepping out....

Subject: Choices hell
Should I or should I not buy the GlUhen DVD? Hmm...its like $20 but here it's like only Php850 for 8 episodes....kinda cheap for an original DVD I should think...

Maybe I'll buy it.

There we go. I'm buying it.

Oh, my poor, poor bank account....;;;;;;;;;_;;;;;;;;

Oh, hell.

Tch.
I hate my site server. I hate it, hate it, HATE IT. I hate the world for not giving me enough money to get what I need. I hate the fact that I have to work just to get money. I hate NOT having money. F**K the damn economic inflation. F**K greedy investors. F**K hoarders. F**K rich people. F**K them, F**K them, F**K THEM! It's all their fault why I don't have much bandwith and webspace for my free-serving site! ALL THEIR DAMN F**KING FAULT! DAI KIRAI DA YO! I HATE THEM ALL! I HATE THEM! I.HATE.THEM!

Now, instead of being able to update my site and finish my blog, I'm sitting here in front of this piece of confuser writing my heart out on an offline notepad. But I'm NOT blaming YOU, dear notepad. The number of times you've helped me out...the number of uses you have...the economy of using you...you've been a really excellent piece of work. In fact, I love you more than I love MS WORD. I actually f**king hate, HATE MS WORD! It's such a bother. So many functions, so much bother. Why can't everyone just keep it simple? Why? Doushite?!?!? NAZE?!?!? Why can't the world be as simple as NOTEPAD?!?!?

I really love making webpages. I really do. I wanna learn more about web-designing. I wanna learn more so that I can use it to earn my living. It's the most funnest (grammar technocrats, bite me) thing to do in the world. It really is. I love making those character stuff too. I think I'd have more fun writing the story summaries. I WANNA BUY GLUHEN!!! Damn it, that crap of a store in the mall sells it in DVD for EIGHT HUNDRED FIFTY F**KING BUCKS!!! And WHAT LANGUAGE IS IT IN? DAMN F**KING CHINESE!!! I have nothing against the Chinese, but damn, WHY CAN'T THOSE THINGS COME OUT IN ENGLISH?!?!?!? English subtitle, that is. But if it IS in Japanese, maybe I will be able to understand it....

But hot damn, EIGHT HUNDRED FIFTY F**KING BUCKS....that's, like, about thirty pirated CDs...but if it's Wei?, it should be worth it, right...?

Hmm...maybe I'll buy it. But DARN IT, it's gonna dent a really huge ganzots of a hole in my pocket...850 bucks...what the HELL...argghhh.......

DAMMIT, it's Thursday again! And I haven't even done much! AHHH, even stupid f**king TIME is doing an inflation.....WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO THIS WORLD??? WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO???

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME????

Tch. I really don't know.

Yesterday's News
It's raining very hard, it's past 1:30 and I'm still awake, waiting for Oversoul to hurry up finishing downloading. It's making me a bit impatient. I wanted to update my site but stupid fucking tripod says I've exceeded my bandwidth. Apparently, bandwidth's very expensive these days. Gee, I wonder how much bandwidth they give for free now? I think it's somewhere probably along the lines of 1 gig. That's a little bit small. Or maybe I'm getting a lot more hits for my site lately. Maybe Weiss is becoming famous. Well, whatever. This day isn't so bad, but I've had better days.

I really hate my mother. Right now, I honestly do. I don't know how many strikes she's had with me today, but it's more than I can actually remember, and it's quite a record for one whole day. I really don't usually get annoyed, but by heck, I can only stand so much. I mean, earlier, those sarcastic comments. I never meant anything by what I said, just trying to give her straight facts, and darn it if she just threw my words into my face and twisted it and turned it all to make it seem like I meant to say something bad. I didn't.

Then at dinner. I was asking for her to cook me some vegetables next time. She said you're grown up, you can do it yourself. I, although grudgingly, admit that she is right on that matter. Then I ask her if she can cut up the stuff for me. She said I can do it myself. I didn't complain. I don't know if she meant anything. By ordinary standards, her words themselves had not meant anything bad, but by heck, her tone of voice when she said them sure did. I don't know. I'm just really a calm person. I walked out right then and there to avoid getting myself annoyed. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure what I had actually done next. I think I might have retreated to the bathroom. That's what I usually do.

I'm wondering a bit about something, though. I imagine, if it had been my sister there in those situations, I don't think she would have been as merciful as I had been. And for I don't know how many times in my life lately, if that had happened, I would have given my sister a lot of credit and a silent applause for whatever she would have done. I suppose she would have given a couple of sarcastic remarks of her own, probably some shouting for good measure. Whatever she would have done, I would have commended it all. I really would have. I wish I could do the same, but -NO-. I had to be this freaking coward who couldn't stand her ground. I couldn't say what I feel. In those kinds of situations, saying what I feel would have been equal to trouble. I didn't want trouble. I usually sulked on my own, my emotions hidden by my face. I think that happens when I'm like on the second part of my anger. I cannot remember the last time I got really very angry. I think it was senior year, highschool. I had thrown stuff, I think. The first part of my anger may be the superficial anger, this is the one that I show on my face. I'm not really sure. I don't know much about anger. It's not my best friend, not unlike it is with my dad, my sister, and, sooner or later if she doesn't watch it, with my mom.

Ah, well. Where was I? Oh, yes. Then I got up to our room (my sister's and mine) to fiddle with the confuser. I wanted to surf the net for some Yoh stuff and some HYD stuff. Before I did so, I took off my bed's sheet so I can lie on my bed immediately after my computer session (about 2-2:30 am or so). Darn it if, in about ten minutes, she was there, commenting about the niceness of the weather in the room, and when she saw that I was ignoring her, commenting (sarcastically) that I did not know how to fold my bed sheet. Like she was really surprised about that! I'VE NEVER FOLDED MY BEDSHEET. I wouldn't even change the sheets if I couldn't help it. Recently, I've been making my sheets messier just to annoy her.

Just tonight, though, I got really irritated. I mean, REALLY. It's like she was giving that comment so I would answer and then she'd get another excuse to be angry at me. Heh. I DID NOT give her the dignity of an answer. I think she got a little pissed or something. She asked me something about the phone, I gave a 2-syllable answer. Then she left. I was triumphant. Hah. Go me!

I wonder what's happening to her. She's like in Post-menopausal stage, and she's not even there anymore. She's WAAYYY away from PMS. She's too old to get that anymore.

Or maybe it's me. Am I getting too sarcastic and cocky and snide for my own good? Maybe, but I kinda like it. I'm learning to express my feelings more. Fanfics with lots of swearing has really helped me.

Hmm. I wonder....

I still have a lot of web stuff and stories to continue (I'm not gonna say "finish" coz that's not gonna happen to any of my stories anytime soon). Gotta do them.

Japanese is fun, but it hurts my head.

It's 2 am. I'm downloading northern lights now and it's about finished. Till tomorrow. Or tonight.