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Sue Me
Wednesday, 7 April 2004
Holy Week.

It's the sixth of April, 10:13 pm, and the only reason this entry is titled as you can see is because...I couldn't think of anything else.^^;;; Blame me for the lack of originality; it never fails.

I'll be posting this the day after, so obviously you'll be seeing this day after I've written it, which basically means what I'm feeling here isn't the same as what I'm feeling as you read this. But that's negligible.

Anyway, since you're so keen on checking out the details of what's been going on in my sick sad life, let me share to you the gory details of what I've been up to last...uh, week. Sad little future MA Student Apple's sick sorry twisted excuse for something to do, to say that she's not been hibernating and totally losing her mind doing nothing but staring off into space, watching Mexican telenovelas, and noontime variety shows (and the occassional Anime--I know, I spelled occassion wrong again. Sue me; I'm not perfect). Such an insult to the intelligence, really. If I ever did something fruitful, I guess it was reading Alexandre Dumas and that nice nice Man In the Iron Mask book, and stimulating my brain with the nice allegorical words and pieces of French history which I love (as much as I now love Phillippe). At least I'm not anymore stuck with How to Build a Better Vocabulary though that, quite frankly, was a nice read.

So...I was actually talking about the entries I've written last week which for whatever reasons I myself don't understand I didn't post at the same time that I wrote them. For the sake of sanity, I've decided not to post it all as an entry; but as a part of this, since what I've written consists only of over-expounded meaningless rants of my meanness, something which doesn't happen very often but when it does happen, can be very nauseating to tolerate. So yeah, if you wanna read up on that (as well as my godforsaken excuse of a review for Matrix Revolutions), click here:

The boring and gory details.

I'm writing this not in a fit of meaningless meanness, but annoyance. Lately, I've started to become really irrepressively annoyed and irritated at this one close friend. I wish I could say that it wasn't her, but me; but like I said, this is not a pointless fit I'm having here. For once, the problem is HER. Honestly, I didn't think it would ever come to this...but lately, the way she's been standing me up and making me wait for so long each and every time we see each other is getting on my nerves. I'm normally a patient and nice and kind person, but you know, I can only take so much. The thing is, I always say it's ok even though it's not because I really don't have the heart to be mean to her. She's a nice person through and through, but she can be a, wait...a LOT irresponsible with many things...friends included.

Sometimes, it's alright to be a little late when you're meeting your friends, but really, when it comes to a point that you get late EVERY single DAMN time, that's just plain being rude, and taking advantage of your friend's kindness. And that's what she does to me...what she has been doing to me (and to all of us, come to think of it) all my life. I can count the very few times when she's come really, really early, but you know, I don't think I can even consider them because's usually those few times when -she's- the one asking us a favor, and she really absolutely positively needed to come early. So those few times I can blame on selfishness. Other times...*sighs wearily* I've really had enough.

And then...there's that other thing. The two of us, we've decided to apply on that MA together, and all that time a couple of weeks ago, I've been waiting for her even though I've already completed all the requirements for my own application. And then suddenly, after about a week or so, she tells me that I can go ahead with my application without her because she's suddenly...SUDDENLY become preoccupied with something else. I really wish she could have told me about it sooner, because really, I would have appreciated KNOWING. But well, she didn't...and that was what hurt. The only thing she can tell me was SORRY...and although I really felt so pissed I just took it all in stride. I'm not known for having a short temper, nor am I known for my incredibly...shall we say...unforgiving nature, but like I've said, one can only take so much. And I've taken far more than I can handle without getting pissed, quite frankly.

I know I'm not her best friend (and frankly, I don't know how my other friend, HER best friend, can stand her sometimes), and I know if she was going to save one person from a sinking ship it wouldn't be me, but you know what...the only thing I wish right now is for her to even...respect me a little, or at least show me that I was even the tiniest bit important to her, because a lot of the times, I don't even feel it. I feel like she's the one who's been getting all this help, and all this love from me, yet she just takes advantage of all of them. I feel like...if I ever ask her for help she's always going to be busy and prioritize other things before she prioritizes me. It's unfair, I know, since I'm not really her best friend, but...for once, I wish she'd just show just the least bit tiny amount of gratitude.

I've helped her get rid of that one boy who's been the bane of her existence for one whole year, and when he finally left her for GOOD (I hope), I can't help but think of all her past boyfriends...especially that first one. How she prioritized him over me once by choosing to go with him instead of attending my 18th Birthday party which only happens once a year as compared to the time she spends with her boyfriend (every week). It hurt me a bit, that time, because like heck, she knew she could see him any freaking time she wanted and me ONLY about one or twice a year, but well...she chose him over me. I didn't hold that against her, because I understood...I THOUGHT I understood--he was her first boyfriend, and she loved him SO much then. They were in their early stages then, so...I forgave, even though there was nothing to forgive, because really, my birthday wasn't a big deal; HE was more important.

I'm being bitter, I know...but I can't help it.

The reason why she broke up with that guy (for the record, he's 9 years older than us...around 31 now^^;;;) was because he made her choose between her best friend and him. That time, our friend (her best friend) was sick, and he was being a brat by giving her an ultimatum, and since they were already on the rocks, she chose our friend instead of him. I don't know if it was because their relationship was already on the rocks which made her automatically choose our friend, but that got me thinking: if it were me who was sick, I wonder...would -she- have chosen me over the guy?

I wish I could give that question a resounding yes, but...up to now, I still wonder about it. Up to now, I still sometimes ask myself: how important am I to her, really?

Well, she's the only one who could answer that question, and it's not like I'm ever going to ask her that. I'll just let things pass by for now, and see what happens. No matter what, she'll always be my friend.

Does it make me hypocritical to doubt the...strength of our friendship? Or just...I don't know...normal?

*sigh* I think this is one of the reasons why my best friends don't stay very long as my best friends (I've lost two already); I have so much doubt in me. So much distrust on people.

I wish I could trust people more...

Right now, she's got a new boyfriend (one she accepted because she felt SORRY for him, not because she loved him, despite my protests and such). I hope he's not like all the others...but I'm not hoping much. She's got a tendency to hook up with the wrong kind of men.

Mood: Weary (about life in general)
Music: Ngayon at Kailanman, Sharon Cuneta

Posted by apple-chan at 1:06 AM JST

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