It's the sixth of April, 10:13 pm, and the only reason this entry is titled as
you can see is because...I couldn't think of anything else.^^;;; Blame me for
the lack of originality; it never fails.
I'll be posting this the day after, so obviously you'll be seeing this day after
I've written it, which basically means what I'm feeling here isn't the same as
what I'm feeling as you read this. But that's negligible.
Anyway, since you're so keen on checking out the details of what's been going on
in my sick sad life, let me share to you the gory details of what I've been up
to last...uh, week. Sad little future MA Student Apple's sick sorry twisted
excuse for something to do, to say that she's not been hibernating and totally
losing her mind doing nothing but staring off into space, watching Mexican
telenovelas, and noontime variety shows (and the occassional Anime--I know, I
spelled occassion wrong again. Sue me; I'm not perfect). Such an insult to the
intelligence, really. If I ever did something fruitful, I guess it was reading
Alexandre Dumas and that nice nice Man In the Iron Mask book, and stimulating my
brain with the nice allegorical words and pieces of French history which I love
(as much as I now love Phillippe). At least I'm not anymore stuck with How to
Build a Better Vocabulary though that, quite frankly, was a nice read.
So...I was actually talking about the entries I've written last week which for
whatever reasons I myself don't understand I didn't post at the same time that I
wrote them. For the sake of sanity, I've decided not to post it all as an entry;
but as a part of this, since what I've written consists only of over-expounded
meaningless rants of my meanness, something which doesn't happen very often but
when it does happen, can be very nauseating to tolerate. So yeah, if you wanna
read up on that (as well as my godforsaken excuse of a review for Matrix
Revolutions), click here:
The boring and gory
details.
I'm writing this not in a fit of meaningless meanness, but annoyance. Lately,
I've started to become really irrepressively annoyed and irritated at this one
close friend. I wish I could say that it wasn't her, but me; but like I said,
this is not a pointless fit I'm having here. For once, the problem is HER.
Honestly, I didn't think it would ever come to this...but lately, the way she's
been standing me up and making me wait for so long each and every time we see
each other is getting on my nerves. I'm normally a patient and nice and kind
person, but you know, I can only take so much. The thing is, I always say it's
ok even though it's not because I really don't have the heart to be mean to her.
She's a nice person through and through, but she can be a bit...no, wait...a LOT
irresponsible with many things...friends included.
Sometimes, it's alright to be a little late when you're meeting your friends,
but really, when it comes to a point that you get late EVERY single DAMN time,
that's just plain being rude, and taking advantage of your friend's kindness.
And that's what she does to me...what she has been doing to me (and to all of
us, come to think of it) all my life. I can count the very few times when she's
come really, really early, but you know, I don't think I can even consider them
because well...it's usually those few times when -she's- the one asking us a
favor, and she really absolutely positively needed to come early. So those few
times I can blame on selfishness. Other times...*sighs wearily* I've really had
enough.
And then...there's that other thing. The two of us, we've decided to apply on
that MA together, and all that time a couple of weeks ago, I've been waiting for
her even though I've already completed all the requirements for my own
application. And then suddenly, after about a week or so, she tells me that I can go ahead
with my application without her because she's suddenly...SUDDENLY become
preoccupied with something else. I really wish she could have told me about it
sooner, because really, I would have appreciated KNOWING. But well, she
didn't...and that was what hurt. The only thing she can tell me was SORRY...and
although I really felt so pissed I just took it all in stride. I'm not known for
having a short temper, nor am I known for my incredibly...shall we
say...unforgiving nature, but like I've said, one can only take so much. And
I've taken far more than I can handle without getting pissed, quite frankly.
I know I'm not her best friend (and frankly, I don't know how my other friend,
HER best friend, can stand her sometimes), and I know if she was going to save
one person from a sinking ship it wouldn't be me, but you know what...the only
thing I wish right now is for her to even...respect me a little, or at least
show me that I was even the tiniest bit important to her, because a lot of the
times, I don't even feel it. I feel like she's the one who's been getting all
this help, and all this love from me, yet she just takes advantage of all of
them. I feel like...if I ever ask her for help she's always going to be busy and
prioritize other things before she prioritizes me. It's unfair, I know, since
I'm not really her best friend, but...for once, I wish she'd just show just the
least bit tiny amount of gratitude.
I've helped her get rid of that one boy who's been the bane of her existence for
one whole year, and when he finally left her for GOOD (I hope), I can't help but
think of all her past boyfriends...especially that first one. How she
prioritized him over me once by choosing to go with him instead of attending my
18th Birthday party which only happens once a year as compared to the time she
spends with her boyfriend (every week). It hurt me a bit, that time, because
like heck, she knew she could see him any freaking time she wanted and me ONLY
about one or twice a year, but well...she chose him over me. I didn't hold that
against her, because I understood...I THOUGHT I understood--he was her first
boyfriend, and she loved him SO much then. They were in their early stages then,
so...I forgave, even though there was nothing to forgive, because really, my
birthday wasn't a big deal; HE was more important.
I'm being bitter, I know...but I can't help it.
The reason why she broke up with that guy (for the record, he's 9 years older
than us...around 31 now^^;;;) was because he made her choose between her best
friend and him. That time, our friend (her best friend) was sick, and he was
being a brat by giving her an ultimatum, and since they were already on the
rocks, she chose our friend instead of him. I don't know if it was because their
relationship was already on the rocks which made her automatically choose our
friend, but that got me thinking: if it were me who was sick, I wonder...would
-she- have chosen me over the guy?
I wish I could give that question a resounding yes, but...up to now, I still
wonder about it. Up to now, I still sometimes ask myself: how important am I to
her, really?
Well, she's the only one who could answer that question, and it's not like I'm
ever going to ask her that. I'll just let things pass by for now, and see what
happens. No matter what, she'll always be my friend.
Does it make me hypocritical to doubt the...strength of our friendship? Or
just...I don't know...normal?
*sigh* I think this is one of the reasons why my best friends don't stay very
long as my best friends (I've lost two already); I have so much doubt in me. So
much distrust on people.
I wish I could trust people more...
Right now, she's got a new boyfriend (one she accepted because she felt SORRY
for him, not because she loved him, despite my protests and such). I hope he's
not like all the others...but I'm not hoping much. She's got a tendency to hook
up with the wrong kind of men.
Mood: Weary (about life in general)
Music: Ngayon at Kailanman, Sharon Cuneta
