Blank.

Current mood: Huh? What mood?
Current music: Anti-Nostalgic from Gravitation (it's playing inside my brain's jukebox)

Got that music-mood idea recently. I think I might have seen it somewhere, I don't know.

Anyway, like the title says: blank. I feel blank. My mind isn't blank, but I feel blank. Meaning, nothing. Nada, zip, zilch, zero. My heart doesn't feel anything. Not sadness, not anger, not hate, not happiness...no nothing. And the funny thing about that is, every single time I write in this thing, there's always a certain FEELING hovering deep inside of me, but now...there's nothing. And that's weird.

Maybe the passing of 2003 and the onset of 2004 is getting to me.

Maybe it's because...I just woke up about a couple of minutes ago and I don't feel like feeling anything (if that makes any sense).

Maybe it's because I slept too much yesterday morning, evening and afternoon (I did NOT sleep at all on the 30th...seriously. My eyes just refused to close, for some reason).

Or...

Maybe it's just me.

Hm.

I think it's just me.

There's something really seriously wrong with me. Not just with my brain, my body, or my heart--but me, as in the whole package. When the powers that be created me, they made a lot of mistakes thereby leading to certain horrifying malfunctions, and it's not good at all. It's not good because it's bad enough that I'm far from normal, now I realize that I'm SO far from normal-weird too. I mean, some people are normally weird, but me--I'm ABnormally weird, if you get what I mean. I'm weird and strange (redundant, but it gives off my meaning, so there) in a way that NORMALLY weird people aren't. And I don't exactly know if I should be happy about that...or sad...or alarmed. On the upside, I'm SO unique it's wonderful. On the downside, I'm SO unique it's positively scary, and incredibly alarming. Meaning, I'm practically on the brink (yes, redundant again) of being sent to the mother of all ward 7's, the epitome of mental institutions (I don't know where that is). It's terrifying, yet...strangely thrilling, somehow.

But then again...

I live by this philosophy that...you are only really truly insane if you cannot admit to yourself the fact that you ARE insane. But if you admit it, then you're not quite there yet. It means that there's still a chance that you can be cured...or a chance that you're NOT insane. Which means, that I'm NOT what I think I am, that I'm...NORMAL, despite what I feel I am.

I don't know if I should feel good about that. I like being weird.

On second thought, I SHOULD feel good about that. I mean, I like being weird, but not to the point that I can be classified as insanely insane. I like being weird NORMAL, because that's the best thing in the world to be. Being normal NORMAL is incredibly boring.

So yeah. I like being weird.

I still feel blank, though.

Anyway, I remember my last entry was...December 16 and I suddenly realized that I hadn't been able to relay the story of one of my closest friend (of 7 years)'s departure for Minnesota. She and her parents are living there for good...and she left last December 14. When we were saying goodbye to her, I frankly couldn't cry much, I'm not sure why. I think it's because of her. I love the fact that whenever she and I are together, even if what we're already talking about are seriously infuriating and tear-jerking things, we still always manage to laugh. I guess that's what I'll always remember about the times we had together...the laughter. It's a constant for the two of us. We CAN be serious too, but really...seriousness sometimes takes the fun out of life. As for laughter (I mean SINCERE laughter), it makes happy times even happier. I guess you can say that I'll always remember her happy. I'll feel sad everytime I remember our happy times together...because it can never be like that with anyone else. It just wouldn't be the same without her.

Ah. There we go. I'm not feeling so blank anymore.

At least I can still contact her through cell phone and email once in a while. That makes me happy too.

Anyway, it was right after that day when we said goodbye to her (once I got home) that I actually felt the sadness washing over me. I guess that must have been the time when it really hit me that she was leaving us for good. And then, sometime around 8am of the 14th, she texted me this message:

"I want to protect someone sweet, I want to stop my weak self from saying 'farewell'...something I've never done before...a song falls from my lips--a rough stone that shines like a diamond from within me. I'll take you with me...hope you'll take me with you..."

I'm not sure if this came from a certain song or whatever, I just know that...even if I was still half-asleep at that time, I felt the tears well up my eyes. I cried, even though it was so early in the morning. I truly did.

I can never have another friend like her, I know that. There can never be anyone else.

I hope I can see her again someday...

I've never had a best friend (okay, so I DID once, but we never lasted that long...just around 4 years, then we drifted apart), and I can't really call her my best friend, but I DO have a handful of really really intimately close friends, and I can honestly say that she's one of them. I can tell them everything I want to tell them, and they'll never throw me away no matter how crazy I might get (they're as crazy as I am), and I do hope we'll be together for a long time...even until we're, say, 70 or so. I would like that a lot.

Just recently, last 30th of December, me and my crazy friends went on a late post-Christmas-pre-New-Year dinner at some fairly costly Italian place somewhere around QC. We had a real blast. We ALMOST ended up as the ones to close the restaurant ourselves, but we had fun. We laughed a lot (and went to the bathroom a lot...their iced tea takes up quite a toll on the bladder^^) and I treated them all to dessert. I got home around midnight, and I think too much fun (or maybe iced tea) might have been the reason why I couldn't sleep AT ALL that day. But I don't care. I got to see my friends, and I had fun with them, and that's what matters to me.

Now it's the 1st of January, 2004. I wince at that even-numbered year, because it reminds me that it's only about five months until I turn into an even-numbered age myself. I wish it could be fourteen, sixteen, eighteen, or I'll even take twenty, but unfortunately...it's twenty-two. I found something good in twenty-one before--in one of the Catholic groups here in my country, the cut-off age for the youth convention was 21, and because of that, I was still able to consider myself a YOUTH. But in a couple of months, I'll no longer belong to that youth category.*wince* I hate getting old.

At the very least, though, I can always console myself with the thought that even though I'll be turning twenty-two, my sister will be turning twenty-four, and my brother just turned twenty-six last November. There's always going to be someone older than me, and that makes me feel better. Sick reasoning, I know, but still, it makes me feel better.

Anyways...

It's been three months since I've written this HaoXAnnaXYoh of sorts one-shot fic, and I STILL haven't posted it up. Until now, I still feel that it sucks. It was a gift for one of my friends, and I do think she liked it (she might have been just trying to be nice, though), but I don't feel so good about it myself. I've had one of my other friends and her sister beta-read it for me, and they've showed me ALL the faults of the fic (and there was a lot) and I really thank them for that, because I think they've been able to point out all of the errors I've seen for myself but refused to correct. I've corrected it a bit myself, but frankly...I *still* feel that it's not very good. I think I'm really hopeless when it comes to HaoXAnnaXYoh.-_- Ah. Well, I can't write everything, can I?

Maybe I'll post it up one of these days. I think there're still two parts I have to rewrite for inconsistencies. I don't think I'll check in anymore with my beta-readers; they've done me enough favors already. I'll be focusing myself on finishing the fic I dedicated to the two of them (Navy and Azure). I do believe 10% or so of Chapter 9 is somewhere along the lines of done already. I'm planning to post it up this Saturday. It's coming to a close, only five more chapters to go. Originally, it was only supposed to be ten chapters. I don't know how it got so long. When I finish with it, it'd end up with 13 chapters...3 chapters excess of my original plan. I wanted to give Chii, Ken and Pan a little more air time, and Ran too. Ren's been a little on the stupid side so far in Navy and Azure, allowing his father to manipulate him...but I'm planning to raise up his status to kick-ass mode once again starting with Chapter 10 (in Chapter 9, he only appears briefly at the very end^~). Pilica's been quite a character in the previous chapters, and I like that. She doesn't have much of a role in the main Mankin, and I wasn't sure if I would be able to make her character effective and non-OOC in Navy, but I think I'm succeeding so far. She's just exactly the way she is in the Anime, except this time, I'm showing a little more emotional side to her.

As for Ren...in Navy, he's almost exactly the way he is in the Anime, except for the emotional side. I'm not sure if I made him too...stupid in Navy, but just in case anyone contests that part, I have an explanation at the ready. As for his treatment of Pilica, and his lack of courage and guts when it comes to her, that's pretty Ren-ish, in my opinion. He's always been sort of afraid to express his feelings to people he cares about, and I do believe that it's partly because he's afraid to be rejected, as he himself has always rejected people ever since he was young. He didn't want people treating him the way he used to treat them, hence the fear.

And then, Pilica...she's not so much the brat she used to be anymore, which is explained by maturity. Age. In my opinion, she wouldn't act the way she acted at 11 when she's 22 (which is her age in Navy), so she's a little more thoughtful yet still ultra-emotionally-charged, the way she was when she was younger (I think she cried a lot). She's a very emotional young woman. What I haven't shown here yet is her forceful and physically strong side--this would be showcased in Chapter 9.^^

Hm. Studying Psychology has been really good for me. Character analyses come so naturally. I think I've already done this with Jeanne and Lyserg, during Venice and in the two side stories. I've even explained why Jeanne is so aggressive and so eager to love. As for Lyserg...I don't think he'd ever forgive the man who killed his parents, but given his character, and the lessons he learned from Yoh, and from the love of his life, toleration is quite a start. Jeanne despises Hao, too...and she and Lyserg would be somehow similar with their regard for him. But the fact that they now have each other, and the fact that they have Hao to thank partly for making them see the light, would be a cause for them to...somehow be able to tolerate Hao to a higher degree.

As for Marco...he goes with whatever Jeanne-sama wants, so he'd be treating Hao the same way she does. For the Lyserg bit, though...I really don't think it would be a long time before he actually learns to accept wholeheartedly that his almost-daughter Jeanne was deeply involved with one of his former comrades, and worse (anime-wise), one who had left them to go back to the friends he once knew. If he discerns it all up, he'd know and realize that there's always been something more than just a simple Mistress-Angel Protector relationship between Jeanne and Lyserg (much in the same way that there's always been something in between Ren and Pilica than just him being her brother's rival and her being his rival's sister).

Anyway, maybe in the near future I'll write something where they've all learned to accept each other. Maybe I will.

Which reminds me...

I wonder how the heck En will be able to really, honest-to-goodnessly accept Pilica as his son's (future) wife?

Hm. I'll have to work on that.

I still have to finish that little lemon fic I promised Reen I'd write for her. I hope she'll forgive me if I don't get it out by Saturday. I am quite uninspired with lemon-writing right now.

But maybe I'll get inspired later.

I'll be writing the rest of Chapter 9 a little later on, too.

So yeah, maybe I'll end with that.

Current mood: Eager
Current music: Yuragi Koto Nai Ai from GetBackers