Feeling Heavy (Omoi)

I'm a little depressed today. I don't even know why. Or, more correctly, I'm not exactly -sure- why. There are a lot of factors contributing to this, I'm sure. I'm just not quite certain which is the worst (or gravest) of them all.

First: two weeks ago, I said something about not calling the people in charge for my teaching English, right? Well...I was afraid that Friday that on Saturday, when I have my Japanese classes, I would be...what's the word for it...scolded for not calling and skipping my classes. I was feeling trepidation all throughout my trip towards the office where we held our classes. I was feeling very apprehensive.

When I got there, though, I wasn't told off at all...rather, it was as if none of it ever happened. I don't know if I should feel good or bad about that, but...well, I certainly felt...weird. I was afraid to ask, because I know that would be proof that I knew I was guilty of something, and I WAS, but I really had no intention of admitting it. And besides, I really didn't want to see those Japanese fellows anymore. I don't wanna teach them anymore if they're going to say something again about my contacts (yes, I know. I'm dwelling on the contacts issue again..sue me). But the thing is, I don't want to tell them that I don't want to teach anymore. I'm a little...afraid. I mean, this is the only thing I have that's preventing me from calling myself a full-fledged unemployed bum, so I didn't want to lose it...but I didn't want to continue it anymore, either.

That's so confusing, isn't it? And then, there's that fact that I feel somewhat...ignored during the class. Or perhaps it was just me thinking that. I don't really know for sure. But...well...it was just really weird.

Well, one thing's for sure: I had better pass this Level 3 proficiency exam (ta hou ga ii desu). I had better pass it so that I can move on and plan whatever future I can plan for myself. I am not going to spend all of my life writing stuff for people who don't pay me to write, dammit. If I'm going to write in the future, I wish to get paid for it. I wonder if I can start writing my own book. I want to write, but I'm a little afraid that I won't get to finish it. Not too many of the works I've started are finished. Actually, none of my original fictions (not counting short stories on theme papers in high school) are finished. Some are halfway done, some...have the start and the end, while some...have the outlines, but nothing's quite...there, you know. Everything's half-baked. That sucks, because I want to write my own book someday. I want to be able to sell it and get paid for it. Yes, I want to get paid for writing.

But I don't want to be a journalist. That's, like, forced writing. If I am going to work in a newspaper, I want to write something I will enjoy...else I want to be an assistant editor or something to that effect. I'd like to edit. I like editing. I like grammar.

So yeah, that's basically the whole and the half of what I want to do with my life right now.

Maybe I should get a job. All this moping around might be the one causing my frequent blue funks. I wonder if I should apply somewhere, like on a broadsheet or something. Maybe I need to work this off. Hm. I'll think about it after the proficiency exam. Yep, maybe I'll get a job...

Okay, let's move on to the second: I have this little online friend. I'm not going to say who she is (she might be reading this). Anyway, I feel like lately, she's been ignoring me. I don't know. She's not answering my mails or mailing me or anything. She hasn't mailed me anything for two weeks, and we've never gone off that long without mailing each other. Last Monday, I sent her an email, though...but she hasn't answered yet. I don't know why. Maybe she's angry at me, though I don't know for what reason, because I *know* for a fact that I haven't done anything to offend her in any way. I don't know. Or maybe it's just me who's feeling this way. Maybe I'm just expecting too much. Am I?

Or maybe this too much moping is really getting to me, and I'm starting to think that something is there even though it really isn't. I don't know.

I should probably just concentrate on studying those Japanese verbs. But dear God, I am just so SICK of them. Halfway through memorizing earlier this evening, I started to get dizzy. I'll memorize the other half tomorrow...and plus, brush up on the 200 kanji once again to see if I have them all completely memorized. Earlier this afternoon, I was brushing up on my nouns, conjunctions, prepositions, adverbs, and adjectives. I have like three pages which contains around....a thousand words, maybe. And I was trying to see if I had them all memorized. After that, I had moved on to the verbs (300+ of them). I don't know why I'm still alive and breathing right now. I didn't get them all memorized. I promise I really will tomorrow...and I hope I'll be able to live up to my promise. I've still got the 34 special conjugation and all the 5 verb forms to memorize and study and understand. And the if-when verb forms, and the conjunctive forms, and the comparison and the special verbs and...

I think I'll probably be dead before this is all over.

Or maybe not. I'll probably be dead after the proficiency exam. I really hope I'll pass this. I really need to pass this. I don't want to take another exam like this next year. I want to leave this sorry excuse for a country. I want to leave and never come back. I want to form my own future somewhere else....preferably NOT here. This is a sick sorry sad place. I don't like sick sorry sad places. I want to be happy, and I do believe I'll be happier living somewhere else. Some other country that is not here.

Japan is certainly a good option. I'll just get new, clear contact lenses so that the freaking men and women won't get freaked out with my eyes.

Enough about that. For my third thing: I have another online friend whom I think has been ignoring me as well. I know she may just be busy but...I'm hoping she didn't get offended by what I wrote. I mean, sure, it -was- a little extreme, but...I do hope it wasn't that offensive. I feel like she might have been offended because...well...in the mailing list we both belonged to, she didn't answer my question to her. I don't know if she hasn't read it or whatever but...well, I just feel...weird about it. Maybe she was offended. Or maybe I'm just too paranoid for my own health and peace of mind. I don't know. Either way, I feel weird about it. I feel kinda sad, too, because I feel that she's kinda ignoring me. And I don't like it when people ignore me. It makes me sad.

For the fourth thing: I don't think I've ever mentioned this, but...a while back, there was this person who mailed me and asked me if I knew some beta readers (cause I seem to know a lot of people in the ff community) and she wondered if she could maybe request me to ask them if any one of them would mind beta-ing her fic for her. What she said was somewhere along those lines, and I was thinking, she wanted -someone else- and not me to beta her fic for her. She wanted someone I -knew-, and not me per se. That was how I interpreted her mail, anyways. And then, I thought about it. I was wondering if whether I should reply to her or not. I was thinking it might be good polite courtesy (is that redundant?) to reply to her even though I haven't found any beta readers for her just so she'll know that I've read and taken her letter into account. So I did give her a reply. An online friend (the one who's been ignoring me--the first one) advised me on some of the things that I should tell my mailer. What I said was somewhere along the lines of: "you know, if I didn't have so many fic projects of my own lined up (and I -did- have projects...still -do-, in fact), I'd volunteer to beta your fic for you, but as it is...I do. Anyway, I'll try to ask some of the people I know if they wouldn't mind. If you're anxious to get a beta reader quickly, why not just email a couple of people and ask them yourself?"

My mail went something like that, I believe. And I think I added a few more stuff, like, how I didn't want to suggest any of my friends' names because it wouldn't be proper for me to go on suggesting them like that without their permission, stuff. And I -did- say I'll ask around, but...I don't really have time to do people I don't know many favors, and what she was asking me was kind of a big favor. I did ask one of my online friends...but just like me, she had stuff lined up for her, too. And besides, none of us have any beta readers. I don't have one myself, and -she- doesn't have one either, and I'm pretty sure my other friend (the second ignorer) doesn't have one too. It's just fact that not a lot of people in the ff community have beta readers (that's why around 60% of the fics in ffnet are loads of CRAP...you can only count the ones that are really of good quality, and they don't even get too many reviews...sheesh. Goes to show that not a lot of people have much of a taste...particularly in the SK fanfic community). It's hard to get beta readers, and good ones, too. Jenavira (one of the columnists in ff) wrote something about that. I believe around 75% of ffnet fics don't pass through the rough tests of beta-reading. Some people beta-read their own fics themselves (that's hardly beta-reading; just editing), like me, for example. It's a hard thing to get a good beta reader. And besides, -who- has time for it, really? I know -I- don't.

Anyway, this person who emailed me finally posted her fic on ffnet I think earlier this morning. She even said on her notes that no one wanted to beta-read the fic for her, and when I read that, I felt...a bit guilty. I *could* have beta'd the fic for her. I know I could have. I mean, I could have volunteered in my reply email, but the thing I've been justifying here is that SHE DIDN'T ASK ME. She asked me if I knew someone who could beta-read for her. Like I've said a while ago, she didn't ask me DIRECTLY if I could beta it for her. And sweet, wonderful little me just didn't feel like volunteering...I mean, volunteering to beta: there are all sorts of connotations for this (and knowing me as well as I do, I take note of ALL connotations). If I had volunteered, it would seem like I was *very* confident of my grammar and my beta-ing skills--and I'm not. I may be good, but DARN, I'm not THAT good. Not good enough to VOLUNTEER myself as a beta-reader, at least. Now, if she'd ask me like as in EXPLICITLY asked me somewhere along the lines of: "Hi Apple-chan, I have this fic. I was wondering if you could beta-read it for me. Please? Thanks." then maybe I WOULD have said yes. I mean, I've been asked once before. I've beta-read before, so I can beta-read again, but thing is, she should have asked me directly, not asked me if I knew someone, because although I know she might have been hoping that I'd volunteer, I wouldn't do something like that.
The question has to be direct, for me.

Anyway, like I said, for some reason, when I saw her fic (and her aforesaid comments) earlier, I felt somewhat guilty. Like maybe I should have volunteered to beta her fic for her. I know I have some valid justifications, but I wondered if maybe, just maybe--I could have made that little exception and confidently volunteered. But I'm just not like that. I have this obsessive compulsiveness for connotations...just like my obsession for grammar and with typo errors and paragraph breaks and such. It's unnerving, but...that's me.

I don't have any resolution for any of these problems. I just wanted to console myself, and I don't have anyone I can tell this to but my PC and the net. No one will ever understand this but me. Which is why I can't share this to the world. I don't think I'll be able to explain this orally even if I shared this to, say, my mom or my dear friend or my sister. It's just going to be too damn complicated orally. I know nobody ever reads my blog, but I feel better stating it out in something sorta published.

...There. See? I feel better now. Not quite so heavy anymore. Still feeling a bit depressed, but hey, I'll take what I can get.

Got to finish Azure chapter 5. I plan to have it out by Friday morning, latest. I hope I'll be able to get it out. I still have a short (long?) flashback sequence to write, plus an intro paragraph for one of the sequences. A semi-long introductory paragraph. I'm just glad I wrote out the dialogue way before. I can't even begin to think what my situation would be now if those exchanges aren't there yet. I'd be wringing my brain crazy for sentences and emotions. Well, no point in thinking about that. Important thing is, I have those dialogues written. I just need to work on the narrations.

I think after this passel of side stories, it's the end of it for my fic-making frenzy. I might post something here and there occasionally, but I don't think I'll be going through anymore with the Celebrations sequel thingie. After the side fics, I AM DONE.

Maybe I'll get started on the novel I want to get published...there are lots of written out plots in my notebooks I can use. All I need is an inspiration.

Damn. I think I need a sex life.

I want sex.

Anyone want to give me sex?

(...Right. As if anyone would.)